Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Wears dark glasses like the cops in Texas

I would show you a picture of the back of my car, the bumper hanging so precariously from its plastic and styrofoam sheath, but I will not. Mainly because that would constitute physical proof of my poor luck, but also because the car is outside (obviously) and I am inside. Also inside is my camera. Hence, due to some very simple logic, I will remain inside.

I started my taxes on Saturday night but they asked such ridiculous questions. It’s worse than filling out the form to give blood. Did you ever have sex with a man who had sex with another man before 1978 in the Congo region of Africa? Did you ever engage in questionable acts with a primate from the Congo region of Africa? Have you ever kissed a transvestite? Similarly, the tax software I use wants to ask silly questions about my personal property taxes, as if I would be so organized as to keep that information. Did I purchase a large item this year, such as an auto, but not a boat or RV or jet ski? Yes I did! I get a tax credit! BUT WAIT. Please enter the selling price of the vehicle minus the sales tax plus the commission, less the depreciation and adding the cost of after-market items. Please put that number HERE in this yellow flashing box. It’s all very simple, didn’t you know.

I gave up finishing that project because I have a mind to become a fugitive from the law. I will wear dark jeans and learn to live off the land. I will lure fat squirrels into my lair and roast their pitiful bodies over bic lighters. I will rob convenience stores for Dr. Peppers and Oatmeal Crème Pies.

Randomly, I am thinking of getting a new phone. I have been thinking of getting a new phone for a year now but it’s such a grand commitment. I become overwhelmed by all the features and options and buttons. What if I purchase this one but realize three months from now that I really should have gotten the one with mp3 capabilities? What if I realize I needed unlimited internet access? So I’ve decided that my current function-less phone and I are just stuck, stuck together like Dolly Parton’s breasts. I will upgrade only when the current model truly fails to deliver. Presently it is only cranky and I cannot in good conscience put it out to pasture.

Anyway. It’s been a long time since I updated this poor thing, hasn’t it? I reread some of the crap from the past few months and realized I had to cut myself off. It was for the benefit of mankind, really.

5 comments:

Kid Fury said...

I'm sure there's so much more than the pain and the suffering that you aren't sharing. What makes the day bright for our favorite Robin?

Carl from L.A. said...

I'm done with my taxes only because there is a huge reward that's waiting to be claimed. When money is dangling in your face, there aren't a lot of questions that cannot be answered.

Before anyone says anything about how the IRS is making interest off my money, let me just say that I have not found a better way to save money in my entire life than the "withholding" method.

By the way, TurboTax rocks.

* * * * * *

For the longest time, I was not caught up on the cell phone craze. I can care less about the wireless web, the camera phone, the video phone, the razr, the chocolate phone, even the blackberry. Phones that plays mp3? Not big enough to carry my 4,500 songs. Text message? It's just a pain in the ass. Bottom line is, I'm just not impressed.

That is until I saw the iPhone. I WANT TO GET ME ONE OF THAT!

Drunken Chud said...

i finally upgraded my phone a month ago. the damn thing couldn't hold a charge for longer than 24 hours. i finally jumped in head first and purchased. holy jeez i have never been happier. camera, speakerphone, voicedial, recordable ringtones, bluetooth, bells, whistles, et al. do it! do it!

Jason. said...

Did you just wreck your car? Because that would be messed up if I called that...

duckie said...

don't be a loser. get back on this shit. now.