The "t" in "often" is SILENT, but two guesses as to what I'll be doing more OF(T)EN

Because of this:

So to kick things off, like, eight days before it's really necessary to start the hunkering down process, here is a copy of an email I sent yesterday. And if you are too lazy to read what I think is my last post, the one where I bitch about the steroids, then just know that the Teenage Acne is still going strong! I liken this whole experience to getting totally shit-faced and going home with the skeezy guy by the pool tables and then waking up two months later with a raging case of herpes so you go to the doctor and he says "Yep, that's the herp, enjoy!" and you're all "And this lasts how long, exactly?" and he's all "FOR-EEEV-ERRRR" and you're all "sweeeeeeeet." Except in my case it's not forever, so it's really more like I have herpes of the face for 6-9 months.

The email:

Random: So I’m in Walgreens a minute ago because my head was about to explode, right behind my left eyeball, throbbing away like someone was pinging it with a ball peen hammer, and I’m perusing the skin care section, like you do, because I’m nearly thirty godamn years old and I’ve got teenage fucking acne on my cheeks (wtf, can we not grow out of this? Am I being punished for my clear skin as a teenager? For all the times I just thought people weren’t washing their face enough? Dear Universe: I’M SORRY I WAS A TEENAGE IDIOT. PLEASE DO NOT HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE FOR MY UNDEDUCATED VIEWS OF THE ACNE-RIDDEN.) So I’m looking around and I notice this thing on the top shelf, mainly because the price has three numbers in it and I think, Holy Cupcake, what kind of skin care regimen has three numbers before the decimal sign comes in to play? And it’s this crap called Zeno and it zaps the zits with it’s hot hot heat and I WANT IT. I looked at the reviews on Amazon and everyone’s all, love it! can’t get enough! would make out with it if I could! And I’m thinking, you know, I just might buy this. This is self-esteem in a mechanical device! Plus, it’s a gadget, and I can get away with buying stupid crap because THAT’S WHAT I DO. If not for my uncontrollable quirks (hello, I’m looking at you, Miss Carmen Electra workout strippercize video set) I would be just a regular human with the rather obvious and odious problem of not cleaning out my vehicle.

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