Blame Latvia

Right now I can hear the gentle constant drone of the cooled air rushing through the air conditioning vents above the cubicles and truly, it’s one of the most pleasant sounds I’ve ever heard. In one fell swoop it’s reminded me that not only is it sunny and beautiful outside but it’s a stunning 71 degrees- a temperature so perfect even the miserly wanks of the world will agree, albeit grudgingly, that spring is most definitely here to stay. At least until summer knocks it out of the ballpark with a giant metal bat so it can trundle into the scenery with gallons of oppressive and lung-constricting heat.

I know, it’s just an air conditioner. But one has to understand that Corporate America will wait until the last possible moment to switch on the good ol’ AC—so the sound I hear is an indication that the Higher Ups have pooled their collective wills to dictate that spring will stay in residence because god forfuckingbid they turn the heat back on should a random frosty front decide to hop on through.

This kind of weather makes me forget that I spend roughly thirty dollars a month on Claritin in an effort to control the hellish misery induced by that dusting of yellowness on my shiny black car. Which makes it unshiny and ultimately ends up pissing me off. It also makes me forget that, should I forget my daily dose, my jaw and neck and upper arms and eyebrows and ears will itch uncontrollably, kind of like it’s doing now because YES MY FRIENDS I forgot to take my Claritin. They’ll turn red and hot to the touch, especially my ear lobes. I’ve thought many times today how much I’d love to find a way to strap ice cubes to my ears. They have strap-on genitalia, why can’t They have strap-on cooling devices? I should clarify this by saying that They should make every effort possible to make these strap-on cooling devices as unobtrusive as possible because I can just see some giant marketing douche, probably the same marketing douche that came up with those cereal and “milk” bars, pushing an idea for cooling ear muffs and scarves. Because nothing says cool like wearing ear muffs in the office. Save for starting a booger collection under the armrest on your chair and laughing hysterically at your coworkers when they inadvertently steal your chair out of your office and end up with their palms embedded in your biological smathering of nose goo.

I’ve had like six cups of coffee in the last hour and holy catpoop I have to pee so bad I just seriously considered the advantages of high cubicle walls and multiple trashcans.