My New Lotion Smells Like Oranges

Right now I can feel the collective Rock of Food, similar to the Rock of Gibraltar, sitting immobile and sullen in my lower intestinal track. I know, tasty. Run off and eat your dinner now, kiddos! It’s just that in six days I’ve spent copious amounts of time in booths or tables with a nice cloth napkin spread over my thighs to catch the inevitable barrage of things I drop on myself. It started Thursday with the trip to Jasmine’s, a nice sushi/tasty food/bar at the edge of town that even now, with the 46lbs I’ve gained in 6 days glaring at me, makes my mouth water buckets of spit. I was treating myself, you see. I’d been eating so well, keeping such close watch of my checkbook that I thought What The Hell! I’ll spend a twenty on a delicious lunch this week. But then I got to work the next day and looked in my Outlook calendar- I’d scheduled a lunch with coworkers! No biggie, the girls are fun and I’ll order something healthy and cheap. And so I ordered the Jalapeno Grilled Tilapia from Johnny Carino’s. Which sounds deceptively healthy. Fish! Grilled with vegetables! That’s like 2.3 calories! But then it was placed in front of me and the fish, oh the beautifully seasoned fish, was placed daintily on top of a heaping pile of angel hair pasta tossed in a yummy cream sauce with chopped bits of jalapeño and spinach. And, not wanting to be wasteful, I ate every last drop. If I hadn’t been surrounded by a table full of female coworkers I would have licked the last scraps of sauce from the edges of the bowl that I’d been unable to sop up with giant chucks of fresh bread.

Six hours later and I’m sitting in another restaurant, this time it’s Buffalo Grill, and I’m devouring an excellently grilled bacon cheeseburger and fries like I’ve never eaten before in my life. So I go home, resolving to spend my weekend cleaning and eating my leftover frozen dinners.

But then I get bored.

I send Brittany off on her adventure with a waive and a smile, secretly knowing that it’s entirely possible I may have to google a Certain Someone and drive cross country to break Certain Someone’s knees. I use this expression a lot, the threat to break someone’s knees. I threatened to break my brother’s knees when he drove his car into a ditch and disappeared, only to turn up in the county jail. I want to make it clear that I don’t use this expression in vain. I will actually break someone’s knees should they happen to piss me off enough. Or, in this case, hurt a friend enough. Because breaking someone’s knees sends a certain message, much more so than threatening to kick someone’s ass. You can kick someone’s ass and chalk it up to horseplay. But there’s no getting around broken knees. That person meant business.

So after I watched her drive off into the sunset I called Amanda, who desperately wanted some cheese dip. And me, being the self-sacrificing friend that I am, acquiesced to her crazy demands for the liquid cheese. And upon penalty of death I might have eaten some, okay, a lot of that cheese dip. BUT IT WAS FROM SENOR TEQUILAS AND YOU JUST CAN’T BEAT THE DELICIOUSNESS OF THEIR WHITE CHEESE DIP.

Then Sunday I went to work. I came home. I made a frozen dinner. Yay for me! But then the Dollar Movies were calling and I mean, My God, you can’t beat watching a movie for a dollar. So Amanda and Kara and I threw ourselves into Kara’s slightly unstable vehicle (made unstable by her frightening driving habits) and swung through Wendy’s to get a spicy chicken sandwich, lettuce only, fries and a Mix-n-Frosty. I had to get the Mix-n-Frosty because HELLO! You get to add things, like butterfingers or oreos, into your frosty! Nothing could possibly be more delicious! Except maybe smuggling it inside the theater at the bottom of your purse and eating it in the cold dark anonymity of the movie theater.

Then Monday came along. I’d gone grocery shopping the night before in an attempt to curb my eating-out but NO! My plan was defeated by the same Fun Lunch Girls who insisted I go to The Purple Cow. Where I ate a cobb salad that had all the nutritional value of a bucket of raw bacon.
Then dinner with Brittany at Chili’s where I ingested Southwestern Eggrolls, the most delicious invention ever because who REALLY wants to eat an eggroll full of cabbage and strange pork pieces when they could eat eggrolls filled with chicken and spiciness?? I know. And then I ate some Paradise Pie. But Brittany made me.

After Monday comes Tuesday, unless you’re a cast member in The Godfather and then it might come after Saturday or whenever The Godfather wills it to be. I got up early, made my healthy turkey wrap and ran out the door. But at 10:30am my phone rang, another co-worker in need of relationship advice- how was I to turn that down?! I was needed in a time of female turmoil! And there’s only one place to conduct female relationship squabble- Fu-Lin’s! So I had the Kung Pao Beef with an eggroll and wonton soup and I must say that the wonton soup was especially good today but let’s be honest- it’s just a bit of liquid trying to work its way down through the solid rock of food that has taken up residence in my body. This is not to imply that I’m having trouble expelling the food because EW. I would never talk about that. I would, however, talk about warts or ulcer-induced vomiting but I draw the line at personal poopage. Because it’s not that it’s ACTUALLY sitting in my stomach it’s just that I can feel the ACTUAL four chins that are just waiting to burst out from underneath my jawline thanks to the sixty thousand calories I’ve ingested recently.

I would make a joke *here* about bulimia but that would probably be in bad taste.

*Addition: I do not actually HAVE bulimia, BRITTANY, GIRL WHO IS TRYING TO DISTRACT ME FROM HITTING HER OVER THE HEAD IN HOPES OF KNOCKING SENSE IN THERE, the ulcers make mi estomaga muy sensitivo, yo, and there is sometimes vomiting when it is unhappy with what I’ve decided to put in it. THIS DOES NOT EQUAL BULIMIA. It does, however, mean that I can have a very uncomfortable fifteen minutes hovering over your bathroom toilet.