I Have An Ulcer In My Mouth

Q: Are the rumors true that Robin has a third nipple?- Coyote Mike
A: Wasn’t aware there were rumors but I’d appreciate it if whoever started them could be lightly beaten with small, toothy woodland creatures. Thanks. I’m very sensitive about such things.

Q: Where did you two go to college and what did you study and is she as fascinating in person? – Carl from L.A.
A: We both went to the University of Central Arkansas and are Honors College alumni. I majored in Telecommunications w/ a minor in Honors Interdisciplinary Studies while Brittany was a vomitous overachiever and double majored in Speech Language Pathology/Psychology and double minored in Creative Writing/Honors Interdisciplinary Studies. Until I asked her last night I was completely unaware that she was a doubleupper. I can be excused from knowing this as I worked full-time for the majority of college, hence excluding me from various bits of knowledge up to and including the whole double major scenario and her favorite flavor of jell-o. And I am totally not fascinating in person. I go to work with wet hair almost every day, I drink a Diet Dr. Pepper for breakfast, my favorite food is cheetos, I tell horrible and long-winded stories and all the items on my desk are lined up perfectly. I give heinous first impressions and I wear lots of bracelets. I get nervous on the phone with boys and talk super-fast and laugh my weird girl-laugh and usually make not one lick of sense. Though I am SUPER flattered that someone thinks so.

Q: If Robin won a million dollars, what would she do with it? – Jenni
A: Since I’m capped off at a million we’d have to assume slightly less than half go to taxes, leaving me about 650-thou. I’m thinking I’ll hire a landscaper for my parents 26-acre property, refinish their deck, give my mother new countertops, buy my dad a new truck, build my mom an art studio with lots of windows, pay off my car, pay off my debt, buy a small house with wood floors, take a trip to Switzerland and buy myself a cabana boy named Paco who performs various and sundry duties.

Q: Dear Abby, what’s her other strong points besides writing so eloquently?- Texas Roxy
A: I open a mean can of asparagus, I can aim the squirting water bottle at my demonspawn with a successful water-hit up to 30 feet away and I have wicked nice teeth.

Q: How tall is Robin? – Pam
A: I am five foot seven inches, exactly. Not even a millimeter above or below. Well, maybe one.

Q: Robin, what does Brittany look like naked? – anon
A: I’m only assuming here, but are you by chance infected with Mad Cow Disease?

Q: What is Robin’s medical history? Has she ever contracted an exotic disease? Visceral Leishmaniasis? Rabies? Malaria? Whooping Cough? Polio? Tuberculosis? Mononucleosis? Osteoporosis? Any osis? – anon
A: I totally got mono my sophomore year thanks to a slutty fellow counselor at the summer camp I worked at- but he was totally hot and drove a bitchin Camaro so that makes my SIX MONTHS SPENT IN BED TOTALLY WORTH IT. I should have ixnayed his ass when I found out he drove a red Camaro. I distinctly remember a time about 2 months into my bout with the dreaded kissing disease when the elevator was broken and I had to take three flights of stairs to my dorm room. By the time I got through the first flight I was panting. By the second flight I was near the passing-out stage and had to sit on the top step for TWENTY MINUTES until I thought my shaking legs could hold me up. I don’t even remember walking in my room but I woke up ten hours later face down on my dorm bed. Fully clothed, thankfully.

Q: If Robin was an animal/book/murder weapon which ones would she be? Also, what’s her telephone number? – The Belligerent Intellectual
A: If I were an animal I’d be an alligator because HOW COOL would it be to have snappers like that? If I were a book I’d have to be a new one because I totally judge books by their cover and can always find fault with a design so I’d probably have to with a book about star crossed lovers (oh, the cheese) and have the cover be a brilliant cerulean blue with a warm chocolate brown one-inch edging and a tiny metallic gold star (because YOU get a gold star!) in the center. If I were a murder weapon I’d have to go with a tea cup because you KNOW someone can fuck your shit up if they kill you with a tea cup.

Q: Does Robin like fat guys?-Drunken Chud
A: How obese are we talking here? There will be no slapping of the fat and riding the wave in.

Q: Has Robin ever had a lesbian experience? – Drunken Chud
A: Besides the spin the bottle kiss I shared with some fellow college graduates, no. Pussy totally skeeves me out.

Q: If some catastrophe were to strike and Robin could only bring 4 things with her, any 4 things, her possessions or someone else’s, what would she take to live out her days in the wilderness- Drunken Chud
A: A supersize box of chapstick, a harpoon gun, a plastic covered and sealed queen size mattress (for sleeping and river traversing) and a tarp.