There’s a scene in Empire Records where the Slightly Off-Balance female character walks into the restroom, stands in front of the mirror and proceeds to calmly hold up a giant chunk of hair and SNIP! it falls to the floor in one feathery chunk. A few more snips combined with the utilization of an electric razor and we’ve got one seriously serious girl, parading about a record store with a bitchin buzz cut, daring everyone with her seriously serious eyes to make one scathing, one questioning, one antagonistic remark because this one, she will cut you. She is making a statement re: her Mental Anguish by stylizing her hair in a fashion guaranteed to make the general public stare and gaze in awe, in appreciation and possibly, gasp! fear for the safety of their younguns because the chick with the buzztastic cranium is definitely going to open her mouth around the delicate head of your baby and crunch happily upon his fuzzy, crunchable skull.

There is no point to the above observation except that it was a nice lead-in to the statement I am making today with my own hair, unbrushed, and my shoes, bright as yellow (and if you ever owned the soundtrack to the above movie then I heart you for getting that reference- if not- I don’t judge too harshly because I never get movie references and mostly get slightly annoyed that someone knows something I don’t, being as how I’m the World’s Most Mature Individual and all). But there’s no Mental Anguish vibe on my end today, only the Woke Up Late With No Time To Shower vibe. I also have no plans to buzz cut myself because it took long enough to grow out my old lady-slash-lesbian ‘do and what if it turns out that I have an oddly shaped head? It serves to reason that Natalie Portman could shave her head and still look like a sprightly elf. I, however, would shave my head and look like a chubby, if slightly stubbly, bowling ball. A bowling ball with maybe a strange bump on the lower left side or an emerging and previously unknown tentacle on the upper right. So obviously this is just a chance I cannot take. With the head shaving and all. Other chances, like the chance to not wait in line at the Walgreens drive-thru for my entire lunch hour or the chance to not have my shoes rub uncomfortably on my left heel or even the chance to avoid committing a serious overshare offense via email, well, those chances, I AM ALL OVER THEM.