Monday, February 28, 2005

Are there rocks ahead? If there are, we all be dead!

There is something sinister afoot….

Okay, sorry, couldn’t resist. Puns are generic and simple-minded but I adore them and use them whenever possible. Of course, I haven’t explained the pun yet so naturally you are waiting in a state of twittering excitement.

I have a corn. A corn? A CORN.

I was not even aware of what A CORN could be until I got one this weekend. I spent a good two hours whimpering about how badly my pinkie toe hurt until finally my mother took of my shoe (we had gotten back in her car, this was not in public) and examined my pinkie toe.

“It’s a corn.”

So matter-of-fact! And she looked at me with the head-down, eyes-over-glasses look that conveys total lack of faith in my abilities as a human being.

I, naturally, had never had any need to find out what a corn was until that very moment. I knew they existed. I knew Dr. Scholl’s carried a whole line of products to get rid of them. I knew it involved feet. And that was really where my interest waned. I don’t care for feet. And other people’s feet ailments are right up there next to grasshopper mating habits on my priority scale.

So I asked what a corn was. And why it hurt so very, very much.

Turns out, according to my mother, that corns are hard patches of skin that form under skin due to wearing incorrect footwear. There is a little hole-looking thing that appears on the offending area where the pressure is most intense and from where all of my pain is radiating in great, eye-ball loosening waves.

At this point I received another of my mother’s ‘looks’ coupled with a swift and knowing glance at my brand new turquoise-colored pointy-toed pumps.


The agony. You have no idea.

So on my lunch break today I made a quick trip to Kroger where I purchased a bright yellow package of Dr. Scholl’s Corn Removers. It’s possibly even more embarrassing than having to fill up a buggy with tampons and wander around the store asking shoppers if they know where the Stay-So-Fresh wipes are. The humiliation. I imagined that everyone was watching and becoming mentally revolted at the thought of my corn-covered, scaling oozy feet. Now, my feet aren’t corn-COVERED and they’re certainly not scaly or oozy. But the store patrons didn’t know that. I felt like explaining to everyone that I was getting the Corn Removers for my dear, sweet little grandmother who just had HORRIBLE feet problems and wasn’t I a good little granddaughter for purchasing the required package of Corn Removers?

Really. I understand how overly-dramatic I was being about this. But. EEEWWWWW.


Anonymous said...

Ok, after reading a few of your 'blogs' i must ask, do you write for a living or something? You have a truly excellent style and the one about the 'crackhead' nearly made me fall of my chair laughing at co workers now think im wierd. Thanks.
Anyway...if you dont write for a living i suggest you start thinking about it, you most surely do have a talent.
Anyway, i have to go now. If my anyone discovered i nearly fell into hysterics on a 'girly website' my carefully constructed 'if you look at me funny ill cut out your fucking eyeballs' attitude and image. Remember, i was never here ;)
Oh, and by the way, i see you have read The Messianic Legacy, and the Davinci Code. I am wondering if you have read the first book, The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail? If not i suggest you do so, its well worth looking at.
And if you are interested in the Priory of Sion, i suggest you keep an eye on the current events surrounding the Pope, more properly, who will replace him when he, ahem 'dies of natural causes.'
Anyway...*nervous cough* ill go now, before you start thinking im a psychotic stalker or something (I scare people sometimes ;))
Have a good evening, and reply if you get a chance, i am curious as to what you think of Holy Blood, assuming you have of course.

birdie said...

Hmmm. Will answer questions/comments in chronological fashion.

1) Do not write for a living. Work in finance for a living. It's a cruel twist of fate, really. The one who deliberately chose a major in college that involved only one math course is the one who checks financial contracts for accuracy. HAH!
2) Please, hook me up with your publisher.
3)This is not a "girly website." It does not involve naked tits swinging to and fro and/or there is no discussion regarding the benefits of cotton panties vs. nylon.
4)You were never here
5)Yes, have read Holy Blood, Holy Grail. There are times when an encylopedia is only slightly more interesting, but I plowed through it nonetheless. Informative. Though everything I read is taken with a grain of salt. God Forbid I become a conspiracy theorist.
6)You mean, you think the Pope won't die of natural causes? BLASPHEMY, CHILD! BLASPHEMY!
7)I cannot condemn stalkers. After all, I am the girl who took the long way to school every morning my sophomore year just so I could catch my crush as he walked out to his truck every morning. My best friend conviently lived 3 blocks down and I oh-so-graciously volunteered to pick her up every morning.
8) Anonymous is what people do when they are being shady. Shady Shady Shady. Or they don't have blogs. Which is just too odd to fathom.

Anonymous said...

lol will answer your answers in chronological fasion. Well...will try anyway.

1: Thats a damn shame. I clear cheques for a living. Its great fun.
2: I dont have a publisher. If i had a publisher (or any skill at writing) I would be living in a villa in in the Costa Del Sol smoking mountains of fine sativa and being fed grapes by pretty half naked females.
3: I withdraw my statement and stand corrected.
4: Thank you.
5: Indeed, it can be pretty damn hard to plow through it, though i found it a good read. Ive recently bought the Davinci Code and am still on the 2nd chapter...i really hope it gets better.
And, of course, its best to take everything with a grain of salt, but whats wrong with being a conspiracy theorist? ;)
6: Very sharp of you, i can see why you've made it this far in this bitersweet symphony which is life.
7: comment.
8: And there i was thinking the 'Tall Mysterious Stranger' thing made lasses go all warm and fuzzy.
Hmm, actually, as this is the net and i could very well be a 4ft overweight Belgian Midgit for all anyone on this great creation known as the net knows, i can see why it wouldnt.
I do have a blog, though its...ahem, not that good ;)
Though if your interested please by all means go and laugh at the sad excuse that is my 'blog', and the things which i find interesting.

If you are interested in the events of 9/11 and post, i suggest you read a book called 'Crossing the Rubicon' by Michael Ruppert. Or go to

Ahem, ok, ill stop now. Sorry, get carried away sometimes. Considering you do not want to be a 'conspiracy theorist' i doubt you will be interested. Or perhaps i am wrong.
Anyway, as its 430 am and i have work soon...(*sigh* i have to stop doing this everynight...) I will be going now.
Its been fun bantering with you Birdie. Have a good day/night.


Jbsss said...

Thought i would stop in and say "dam nice blog you got here."

I was just thinking that there are wayyyy to many stupid ass blog's floating around. Mine included. Gonna keep my eye on this one. I enjoy reading about people and especially when those people write so well. Well take care.