Saturday, June 25, 2005

If You Were a Box of Jello, What Flavor Would You Be?

This Morning:
Slept until 9:30 am.
Cats were curled up together at the end of the bed. The only morning I theoretically don't have to be up and dressed and work-i-fied, they sleep like angels. Any other morning, they'd be playing Chase the Imaginary Monster Down the Hall OR the Imaginary Monster is Chasing the Kitties, RUN, OR Look at the Blinds, Kitties! Try and Climb Them!
I wake up.
Decide am not taking shower because I had one yesterday and it's the weekend and WHO CARES IF I SMELL.
Walk into kitchen. Feed cats, change kitty-water.
Accidentally lock Fat Kitty into small midget closet in kitchen where kitty-food is kept. 20 minutes later hear plaintive meowing. Release Fat Kitty from trauma-inducing closet. Hold Fat Kitty, Pet Fat Kitty, Assure Fat Kitty that Mommy is very sorry and would never intentionally lock Fat Kitty in dark midget closet.
Open closet door and critically eye the clothing choices for the day. Decide on black loose stretchy pants, green long tank top and black stretchy tee. Decide will wear gold flip flops even though work dresscode prohibits flip flops.
Walk into kitchen. Stand in center. Remember have no food that could possibly be construed as "breakfast" consumable.
Spritz hair with Febreeze. A pre-emptive measure used when am too lazy to bathe and bar smell may have infiltrated hair follicles.
Spritz self with perfume. No point in being utterly disgusting.
Apply eyeliner, black eyeshadow, lipgloss and bronzer.
Slect large disc-like earrings from jewelry case.
Scoop kitty litter as have noticed poo smell emanating from kitty poo area.
Wash hands. Kitty poo may have burrowed under hand-skin to attack unsuspecting body molecules.
Decide am ready to go.
Walk out to car.
Stand for 3 minutes staring at THE DING SOME MOTHER FUCKER PUT IN THE SIDE OF MY CAR THAT SCRATCHED MY PAINT AND MARRED THE BLACK SMOOTHNESS OF MY VEHICLE. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN YOU IGNORANT PENIS-LESS BITCH. I had noticed the ding on Thursday but had been unable to fully appreciate ding as had first become aware of ding in the half-light available when I get off work.
Drive to West Little Rock.
Stop at Coffee Beanery for croissant and large coffee. Not the coffee with all the weird shit in it. Just PLAIN. ASS. COFFEE. The LARGE, please.
Can see work building.
Pull into parking lot.
Rest head on steering wheel.
Cannot run away today.
Need paycheck next week.
Clock in at 10:45.
11:45 realize friend Lilleeeee is also at work. Discuss Lilleeeee's cha cha pains (as had rigorous night of, um, festivities). Ascertain that boo-tay is not also in pain. (See Lilleeee's description of boo-tay pain at
Lilleeeee did not bathe either. So there.
Other friend Jill is also at work.
Decide tonight will be a margarita ladies-drink-some-other-guys-tequila-that-they-themselves-did-not-pay-for night. Meaning that Jill will be bringing over the bottle that her unsuspecting special friend left over at her house. Stupid boy.
Realize have spent as much time as humanly possible wasting time and will now proceed to work.
Random thought before posting: Hmmm. Well. Cannot put thought into words. Will try another day.
*blows kiss*


meghansdiscontent said...

Remind me NOT to tell you WHO you sound like with the febreezing of the hair.

I used to wonder how you two ever became friends. Carol and I wondered that all the time . . because it made sense we were friends with her, but you two didn't . . . which is why I wasn't surprised when the shit hit the fan. But now, I'm starting to see how it was minootly (spelling it wrong because it LOOKS wrong spelled correctly) possible for you two to be joined in this dimension in a friendship capacity.

James said...

*blows kiss back* This post makes me want a gin and tonic. Mmmm. I'm gettin' loaded tonight.