Saturday, June 04, 2005

The List is back from "hiatus." Also known in some circles as "rehab" SHHHHH. It's totally fine. No judgements.

How better to spend my Saturday, stuck at work, in a cubicle-- THAN BY USING COMPANY TIME TO ADD TO MY LIST? I am a genius.

38. My incisor tooth on the bottom right is EXCEPTIONALLY pointy and sharp. Not so much that it stands out among the rest of my teeth (which are straight and white, thanks to orthodontia and Crest Whitening) but sharp enough that it's a ceaseless source of amusement to run my tongue or finger over it when pondering the meaning of mullets or why people have children when they SO OBVIOUSLY SHOULD NOT HAVE PROPAGATED THE DANK POND THAT IS THEIR GENE POOL.

37. If you purchase an SUV or truck, PLEASE, reconsider lowering the suspension and having the undercarriage drag the fucking ground. IT'S FUCKING SACRILEGIOUS. If you BUY and SUV, I'm going to assume you bought it for a purpose. AND WHAT FUCKING PURPOSE DOES IT SERVE WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO SLOWER THAN ME IN MY HONDA WHEN COMING OUT OF THE TARGET PARKING LOT? I'll tell you-- NO FUCKING PURPOSE WHATSOEVER EXCEPT MAKING IT QUITE CLEAR TO THE ENTIRE WORLD THAT YOU ARE, IN FACT, A GIANT DOUCHE.

36. Bird noises totally creep me out.

35. I don't do sports that involve anything between my body and the ground. This would include skiing and um, skiing. Both water and snow.

34. I don't do sports where balls fly at my head. It's unnatural. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DUCK, PEOPLE.

33. I sleep on my stomach. One leg hiked up. Pillow under head. Pillow under arm. Arm wrapped around pillow and pulled close to chest.

32. Be prepared to let me stop and pee on any trip longer than one hour. It's gonna happen. Just accept it.

31. I like the sound of fast typing. When I was 10, I begged my mother for a typing program that we could use on our old-school computer. She obliged and I learned how to type by Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing.

30. I'm not bitchy or cranky or pissy or stand-offish. <---Actual comments made about how I behave in many social settings. People are overwhelming. I'm not going to hug, touch, love-up-on or schmooze with random people I don't know. I have to watch them. THEN I'll decide if I want to make conversation.

29. When I used white-out as kid, I had to make sure I painted out the word completely, in a perfect little white-out box. I then had to let it dry until the PERFECT STATE OF DRYNESS where I could write on it but it was still a little soft -- not so soft it made the jagged edges around your pen when you wrote-- but soft enough where it just enveloped the ink and it would stand out against the dull ink surrounding it.

28. I've been to The Netherlands, Belgium, France and Spain. But here in The States, I've only been to New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennesee, Georgia, Alabama, Florida, New York and New Jersey. That leaves out a WHOLE HELL A LOT OF THE COUNTRY. Guess I have a lot of traveling to do.

28 is an acceptable number to end on becase 8 is divisable by 2, which equals 4, which is made up of two 2's.


sqg said...

#36 - Hmmm, does anyone else see the irony in this?

duckie said...

I'm so not following you nips. it just happens that way.

you sleep exactly like me. Bu this position has caused me to visit the chiro-cracker more than once for an adjustment to my neck. Apperently, you are supposed to be completely uncomfortable to sleep correctly.

meghansdiscontent said...

So glad your back on your list. It's always odd to find out things I didn't know about you. Particularly things we're alike on.

And no, crazy, I didn't go get married. . . hell after this weekend I'm glad I get a weekend to myself with my family. The brother in law comment was a reference to earlier in the night (before your arrival) when someone called MY cell phone asking for "Mr. Ostrander" and I very sarcastically said "It's for yoooouuuu, MR. OSTRANDER" and without a beat of hesitation he said "Thanks, Mrs. Ostrander" before taking the phone.

I was FLOORED. Still am. CAN NOT DEAL WITH THOUGHTS OF THE LONG TERM!!!! Jesus, this is the longest relationship I've had since Jeff . . and we all know why that worked - because he had to spend MOST of his time with his WIFE! (not something I'm proud I ever did for those who don't know us.) And that was what . . holy mother full of peanut butter, that was almost 5 years ago. We know my average is a month or an entire weekend spent in each other's company - whichever comes first.

Adam said...

You. Birdie. Fly to Australia. Tomorrow.

Carl from L.A. said...

I don't hate SUVs because if you have kids like I do then it really comes in handy. I do, however, have a problem with people who can't drive them. Driving a Tundra is a little different from driving a Civic. I think DMV should require a special license for driving SUVs.

The car that really serves no purpose, IMO, is the Hummer. Check out, it's my sentiment, exactly.

I was lucky enough to have traveled to all 50 states. There's a lot of beautiful country out there.

Badpatty said...

Since I didn't catch the beginning of the list, the rest of it makes as much sense as coming in to the middle of the final episode of 24 and asking, "What's happening?" Whoops.

grace said...

you don't need to go to any other states. they're overrated :P

except for cali. cali's not overrated.

birdie said...

dukie: "i'm so not following you nips. It just happens that way."

um. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? not saying that in a pissy voice, just a so very confused and need long explanation voice.

and i love sleeping on my stomach. though me and the chiro-cracker are like THIS (making motion with fingers crossed)

patty: list is just a waste of time. i loved everyone else's list on randon blogs i found and thought "hey! i'll do one too!" dur. i have a short attention span so i havnen't been very, um, reliable with it.

sqg: caCAW caCAW!

carl: suv's rock. as long as people don't lower them and put ridiculous wheels on them. ugh

meghansdiscontent said...

I can so totally explain the value of the Hummer (vehicle not action).

The idiotic, taxes everyone too much for everything and fucks small businesses government messed up. Which means that small businesses got a hell of a deal. They passed a law stating that if you purchased a work vehicle that weighed over 1 ton, you could write off the entire cost of the vehicle, not just interest. Therefore MANY MANY MANY small business owners have Hummers because they can write off EVERYTHING.

I am actually thinking of trading my SUV in for a Hummer because I own a small business and would enjoy getting to write the ENTIRE $900 a month payment off instead of JUST the interest part of the payment.

Carl from L.A. said...

That would explain why my real estate agent drives one...

meghansdiscontent said...

Yep, yep.

See the intelligence of driving something that seemed inane?

sqg said...

Sure is quiet over here in the birdcage. Almost too quiet.

Murrye said...

hey just found your blog, it is incredibly entertaining. you're a fabulous writer! thank you for making my slow morning at work much more pleasant!

Blue Skies from Pain said...

Love the random things on your lists...
I own a SUV and know how to drive it :)

Badpatty said...

Birdie, long attention spans are also overrated. I think I may have to do a list. You're my hero (and my candidate for President)!

duckie said...

where oh where is my little birdie?

Emmanuel.K.Bensah II said...

you've been to Belgium?

You're my main...erm...lady!:-)

Which part did u visit?