Thursday, September 22, 2005

A Gift From The Peanut Gallery

I came back from lunch today to find a special surprise.

The ingredients of this surprise?
1 toilet plunger
2 napkins, slightly dirtied
1 sugar-free pecan delight chocolate turtle, melted and stretched

The toilet plunger is an object we of sick mind pass around the group to indicate those that truly SUCK to the best of their ability. A client yells at you over the phone and you sweet talk your way out of a reaming by telling the client how MUCH you ENJOY working with them on a DAY TO DAY basis and can't we just all be friends? Plunger on desk. The boss comes by and comments that your sunglasses are on your head, perhaps you didn't notice that you were inside? Well, they're there in case you walk by, you're presence brings such an unimaginable brightness to all our lives. Plunger on desk. You're coworkers hear you give a hearty fake-laugh over a joke that is most assuredly not hearty-laugh funny. The joke was from a senior vp notorious for being a waste bin of dead jokes. You guessed it-- plunger on desk.

So I go to lunch, eat my animal crackers, drink my diet dr. pepper and play the tetris game on my phone for a full 40 minutes. I come back to my floor to find the not-so-surprising addition of the plunger on my desk. (Not surprising after the ass-kissing I participated in this morning) But what was surprising was the new addition to the plunger game.

THE SUGAR-FREE CHOCOLATE CANDY WAS MADE TO LOOK LIKE A PEANUTTY TURD, THE NAPKINS WERE SOILED TO LOOK LIKE DIRTY TOILET PAPER AND THE PLUNGER HAD MELTED CHOCOLATE SMEARED ON IT. And let's not ignore the total irony in placing a piece of chocolate on my desk that some marketing genius labeled as a "mild laxative." Yeah, I'll be rushing out to by a bag of those.

My boss later told me they had debated whether or not to try out their new plunger scheme on me. He said they were all a little nervous about me making one of my comments that always seem to come out when the room goes completely quiet.

For instance, last week one of the girls made the following statement:
"I didn't ever think we'd get a person hired for that shift."

Her statement was met with laughter from another employee, who claimed that the phrase "did not ever" was not a grammatically correct statement. I chose to disagree. And so I used several sentences to demonstrate my point. Those sentences were:
"I didn't ever go to the store on that side of town."
"No officer, I didn't ever see that girl come in the bar."
"I didn't ever have sexual relations with that woman."

Well, quite naturally, the last sentence happened to be made just as the room had fallen unnaturally silent, letting my voice carry across the field of cubicles like some spooked rabbit. Taken out of context, I look like a defensive lesbian.


But, as my boss informed me, they decided to risk a scary comment because the sheer amusement far exceeded any inappropriate remark I might choose to make. So now I have a brown chocolate stain on my desk and a plunger by my feet. And the peanut turd jokes are never ending.


ty bluesmith said...

very nice

Oswald Croll said...

Are we sure it was chocolate?

meghansdiscontent said...

Umm . . . yucky.

You working tomorrow?
Bakey bake is coming to C to get his birth certificate from his parents to get his passport. Did you know he's going to Paris for Christmas?

Anyway . .. wanna hang out with us??

Carl from L.A. said...

You are one nutty funny chick, and you write remarkably well. Let me know if you ever publish a book, write a newspaper column, etc. I am a fan.