Friday, September 02, 2005

How An Alien Fetus Done Flew Out My Coochie, Finished

Wad of toilet paper in my hand, I mentally pleaded with my bladder to empty PRONTO while I began the high-pitched whine/scream that females can do when faced with an unknown stressor. We keep our mouths shut, scrunch our eyes tight and SCREAM with growing intensity until the stressor either a) goes away and you resume your normal activity or b) continues and the scream becomes a full-fledged, open-mouthed glass-shatterer.

Just as the urine came to a blessed stop, not even waiting for residual droplets, I sprang up only to have something brown and winged fly STRAIGHT BETWEEN MY THIGHS AND UP PAST MY NOSE, FLITTING AROUND MY HEAD BEFORE SHOOTING OUT THE OPEN BATHROOM WINDOW.

Naturally, my previous closed-mouth loud whine became a full on heart-stopping scream.
Ruby flung open the door in total concern while my two suitemates crawled over each other to get to the other door, flinging it open with such force I was sure the hinges would break.

The last of my scream had just died in my throat and the room took on the total silence normally only found within the depths of a closed and sealed casket.

"Whada fuckh is goin on?"

A very distinct, and very male voice asked from behind Ruby's shoulder. It was my roommate's random Drunk Friend, who'd happened to surreptitiously drop by while I was in the loo.

"Why've ya got no pants on, Birdie?"

At which point the only thing I could think to say was:

"An alien fetus FLEW OUT OF MY COOCHIE!"

Note: Pants still around ankles.

I could see Drunk Friend's eyes begin to focus on my nether regions and I hastily yanked up my slacks, covering the most notable areas.

"Ah say WHAT?" everyone asked in unison.

"AN ALIEN FETUS FLEW OUT OF MY COOCHIE! I SWEAR TO GOD! It flew RIGHT OUT!"

More casket silence.

Looks are exchanged between the Fanatical Suitemates, Ruby and Drunk Friend.

"You and Ruby been schmokin agin?" Drunk Friend asked.

"NO WE HAVE NOT BEEN SMOKING, I HAVEN'T SMOKED IN TWO WEEKS AND I'M TELLING YOU THAT SOMETHING FURRY AND WITH WINGS FLEW STRAIGHT BETWEEN MY LEGS AND ALMOST ATE MY FACE OFF."

At this point, I knew I sounded crazy. But the gut-clenching fear of the alien movie + weird attack to my ass/coochie area was JUST TOO MUCH.

"Um, why don't you come lay down for a second and I'll get you a drink."

Bless Ruby. She always did know just what to do.

And all I could do was be led to my bed, clutching my pants around my waist while turning to stare out the bathroom window, terrified that whatever had flown between my legs would come back and eat us all.

____________________________
A very short time later, I did calm down and rationalize the situation. A general consensus was reached between Ruby, The Fanatical Suitemates and Drunk Friend that I had, in fact, sat on the toilet so fast that I had trapped a small moth in the bowl. Once I stood up, it made a mad dash for the only available exit, the window.

In my heart of hearts, I still maintain that I gave birth to an alien fetus.

9 comments:

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The Gnat's Trumpet said...

Birdie, I think that it is time for you to add the spamword or the alien fetus may start posting comments here like the last two clowns.

Very funny story. But, it could have been worse, have you read Dreamcatcher?

Oswald Croll said...

Drunk friends, fanatical mates....and birdie. Good times. And I agree....Dreamcatcher..... 'shiver.

Os

sqg said...

Morning girl! I see that you still have them begging for more. :)

LOL!! My word verification to post was muff!!! w00t!

meghansdiscontent said...

Dear Sweet Jesus! Must you continually bring up that story???

I don't tell the story of when you drove SO DESPERATELY BAD (think Baker bad) that you hit a speed bump while I was sitting in the back of the SUV and my uterus fell onto the lovely carpeting of the Montero.

But you continually tell of your alien fetus.

I will be 90, sitting next to you on your Rascal and hearing this story. I feel it.

Joey said...

Uterus's falling OUT??!!!

What is going on over there?!

Oswald Croll said...

I'm with Joey, I'm going to need some details on the anatomic droppings in the backseat of said SUV.

meghansdiscontent said...

Umm . . . so for some reason this didn't post last week. But I said the following:

Understand the need for clarification. Check out my blog, the story will be there. Promise.