Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Bette Midler (sp?) Would be So Proud.

This company is notorious for it’s gossip mongering, just like any company where the employees have to sit in cubicles and pretend to be interested when really they're slowly bleeding out from intestinal ulcers.

Earlier this week I finally lost my patience with one of our more annoying employees. He mistakenly assumes that not only do we want to hear him talk to customers on the phone at decibel fucking five hundred, but he wants to stand up and do it as well. Because it’s not annoying enough to HEAR him, he wants us to SEE him as well. He’s also a big fan of sports, spouting off scores and personal opinions about everything from baseball to hockey to professional ping pong.

I imagine that he goes home to his internet dating website and scours the scads of females for his next victim.

Oh, and his voice is so high I doubt his nuts have dropped.

So Monday night he was, as usual, standing up at his desk and volunteering the information that he didn’t think people should be allowed to vote if they commit a felony. REALLY? THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK? WOW, TELL US MORE ABOUT HOW YOU SKIPPED THAT DAY IN CIVICS CLASS. He also made sure to tell us that he thought people convicted of a felony should be beaten with golf clubs.

And on Monday night I’d had it. I’d had the strangest set of seven days ever in my life history. I’d gotten a promotion- HIGH! Some motherfucker gouged my bumper- LOW! It’s going to cost 500 dollars- VERY LOW! Oh wait, it’s a non-moving hit and run, you’re deductible is only 200 dollars for that one- HIGH! Your brother is missing- LOW! He may be dead- UNBELIEVABLE LOW! Wait, he’s alive- HIGH! He’s been in jail- LOW! Brother hung up on you because of an incurable amount of stupidity- VERY LOW!

So really, my outburst was justified.

I slammed my hand on my desk, pointed my finger in witch-like fashion and told him to SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. Then I turned around to my computer screen to continue my phone call. With a customer that I had placed on hold, obviously.

So far I’ve been congratulated by no less than seven people. I also received the following exchange of emails that I thought I’d share:

J: Word on the street is that you put the smack down on Monday. Is this true?

Robin: Holy crap. Word travels fast around here. Uh, yeah so apparently I lost all good sense and told Chatty-Pants over here to sit down and shut the f* up. Good times.


Robin: He was standing up, per usual, ranting about something involving beating people with golf clubs and why felons shouldn’t vote… and I just couldn’t take it.

J: Did you ever know, that you’re my hero?

Robin: And you’re the wind beneath my wings.


Coyote Mike said...

You're my hero too. Yay you. Loud sports guys should be shouted down at all opportunities. I bet they get you cake.

mmm, cake.

Johan Jordaan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Johan Jordaan said...

I feel that people who commit serious crimes like rape and murder should be shot, that way they can't vote.

Drunken Chud said...

i feel that everyone should be allowed to vote. even stem cells. that way we get something something something something are you even reading this something something something conspiracy something something throbbing cock something something something. yay for for the verbal ass whooping! w00t!

Betty said...

You're fucking awesome. I love it.

Jenni said...

Tell em like it is, Birdie. Now call your brother and share that wrath with him too!

Coyote Mike said...

I feel drunken chud should be beaten with a live fish. And I bet if I tried hard enough, I could find justification for it.

Carl from L.A. said...

Way to go!

I secretly want my daughter to grow up just like you.

Drunken Chud said...

i love mornings/afternoons of drunken commenting. mike, there is ALWAYS justification for beating me with a live fish. i mean, i was sort of fighting for the right of stem cells to vote... last night was a good night.

meghansdiscontent said...


Ummm. . who the heck is the coworker - you have not spoken of this.

auburn said...

Totally awesome work there.
The adrenalin you get when you do something like that is intense.