Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Blame Latvia

Right now I can hear the gentle constant drone of the cooled air rushing through the air conditioning vents above the cubicles and truly, it’s one of the most pleasant sounds I’ve ever heard. In one fell swoop it’s reminded me that not only is it sunny and beautiful outside but it’s a stunning 71 degrees- a temperature so perfect even the miserly wanks of the world will agree, albeit grudgingly, that spring is most definitely here to stay. At least until summer knocks it out of the ballpark with a giant metal bat so it can trundle into the scenery with gallons of oppressive and lung-constricting heat.

I know, it’s just an air conditioner. But one has to understand that Corporate America will wait until the last possible moment to switch on the good ol’ AC—so the sound I hear is an indication that the Higher Ups have pooled their collective wills to dictate that spring will stay in residence because god forfuckingbid they turn the heat back on should a random frosty front decide to hop on through.

This kind of weather makes me forget that I spend roughly thirty dollars a month on Claritin in an effort to control the hellish misery induced by that dusting of yellowness on my shiny black car. Which makes it unshiny and ultimately ends up pissing me off. It also makes me forget that, should I forget my daily dose, my jaw and neck and upper arms and eyebrows and ears will itch uncontrollably, kind of like it’s doing now because YES MY FRIENDS I forgot to take my Claritin. They’ll turn red and hot to the touch, especially my ear lobes. I’ve thought many times today how much I’d love to find a way to strap ice cubes to my ears. They have strap-on genitalia, why can’t They have strap-on cooling devices? I should clarify this by saying that They should make every effort possible to make these strap-on cooling devices as unobtrusive as possible because I can just see some giant marketing douche, probably the same marketing douche that came up with those cereal and “milk” bars, pushing an idea for cooling ear muffs and scarves. Because nothing says cool like wearing ear muffs in the office. Save for starting a booger collection under the armrest on your chair and laughing hysterically at your coworkers when they inadvertently steal your chair out of your office and end up with their palms embedded in your biological smathering of nose goo.

I’ve had like six cups of coffee in the last hour and holy catpoop I have to pee so bad I just seriously considered the advantages of high cubicle walls and multiple trashcans.

9 comments:

oakland heidi said...

Spring is so beautiful when one can be OUTSIDE enjoying it.

All of the trees are in bloom. I walk through the ritzy neighborhoods of Berkeley on my way to work. They are full of big old Victorian houses with beautiful blooming gardens that overflow on to the sidewalk. Everything smells fresh and lush. For a minute or two, I even kind of like it here...

Carl from L.A. said...

I'd blame those damn statues on Easter Island. Now find Easter Island on a map.

I'd surmise that the a/c setting is different on different floors.

I had a black car once. It's the hardest thing to keep clean. But when it was clean, it was hot.

I have "hot ears" too. I'd rub ice on my face or immerse my face in water or, if possible, put my face directly in front of an a/c/vent. Yes, a cooling device would be nice.

If I drink six cups of coffee my hands (and maybe other body parts) would start moving by themselves.

Drunken Chud said...

i can imagine the cleaning crew at night... "aww shit, robin's trash cans are full of piss again." hehehe.

meghansdiscontent said...

And just when I thought that my birthday gift to you (YES, readers, Robin has a birthday . . she wasn't hatched . . and tomorrow TOMORROW is it) was going to have to be the dinner alone, I read about what you want.

Chica, there ARE strap on cooling devices.
Little air conditioner thingees that go around your neck.
Possibly I should run out and procure one for you.

Jenni said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BIRDIE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BIRDIE
Okay I'm singing out loud and getting looks, cuz I CAN NOT sing....But that doesn't stop me!!!

Prego said...

You're starting to sound an awful lot like that Ally Sheedy character in the Breakfast Club.

It's a brisk 51 degrees here in Booflax, NY - I think we get thrown a 71 degree bone tomorrow - along with a little bit of rain. Now here's a little something from Latvian singing sensation Robin Holmes, from her LP entitled "Urinate - I'm a 10...", a little trick entitled the "Claritin Blues"

Coyote Mike said...

You could always fill some strap-on genitalia with one of those blue thingies that you put in coolers, then strap it to yourself. :D


I helped :D

Carl from L.A. said...

A preemptive Happy Birthday to you, Birdie, just in case you decide to take a few days off to celebrate.

Barry S. said...

Who are They exactly, and are They to blame for the stinky food in my office fridge?

I drank only one cup of coffee this morning and lo and behond by the time I drove to work I was wearing several drops of it.