Upsy Daisy

Earlier this evening I was watching the premier of Saturday Night Live, only about a week or two late. Thankfully they replay such things on various channels which is why I occasionally get moderately caught up with this supposed icon of pop culture.

The host for the evening was Dane Cook, a guy with whom I’ve become only vaguely familiar since they’ve been playing the previews to Employee of the Month (starring Jessica Boobson) pretty much every 45.7 seconds. Apparently he’s some internet stand up comedian and a purported previous love conquest of Ms. Jessica Boobson, who totally doesn’t want to be known for her blond hair and boobs but still insists upon flaunting them about like cupcakes.

The thing is, for the first five minutes of his super lengthy opening monologue, all I could think was a) THIS is the guy everyone’s talking about and b) did no one tell that kid his shirt’s too tight? Because he wasn’t really that funny and his hips kept moving in strange quasi-flamboyant movements. Plus, and I know I’ve mentioned this already, his shirt was too tight. As in so tight I could tell he’d laid off the crunches the past few weeks and maybe it was time to go up a waist size in jeans. Which sucks for him because he’s not a chubby man. He’s not even a super flabby man. But when your shirt is 87% spandex with a little cotton thrown in to dull down the sheen, you have to be very secure in the fact that you’ve spent a lot of time in the gym or you’ve got a personal assistant who doubles as your emergency liposuctionist.

I was getting ready to change the channel because MY GOD this was the longest opening monologue I have ever seen on SNL and I could be doing important things like lint rolling my ironing board. I hadn’t managed to crack a smile through the opening act of politically correct holiday celebrations (oh, I’m sorry, didn’t you guys already to this sketch like three years ago? k, thanks) and this Cook chap was certainly not tickling my fancy or my funny bone. But then he started a bit about shoe shopping and I stopped my finger from pressing the channel up button because, well, here’s something with which I can relate. He saw a pair of boots and he needed them in his life. This I understand.

So he asks the shoe girl for a twelve and she hands him a nine. At which point he makes a joke about a bone saw and don’t ask me what I found so funny about a bone saw but it kind of made me snort a little. Shoe ladies the world over adhere to the same practice then, I thought. I ask for a ten and they say “well, I had it in a nine” and I have to hold myself back from pushing my finger in their eye. If I’d wanted a nine I would have asked for a nine you ignorant twat. And now, look, here was a grown man expressing the same shoe shopping frustrations. I CAN SO BOND WITH YOU NOW.

Then he launched into a bit about erections and I mentally rolled my eyes because I totally expected him to go with the beaten-to-death (no pun intended) joke surrounding those pills that help men get their thingee up and the ensuing joke about “if you have an erection lasting four or more hours...” Funny the first time and, if I’m really honest, funny eight-hundreth time, but still not funny for a paid comedian to add in their act.

But he took it in a totally different direction, not mentioning the thingee-lifting hydraulic pills but instead talking about a really dandy stiffy he’d had one day while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Noticing a can of cashews he pops the top and places a delicately curved and salted nut right on the tip, pulls back his member and flings the unsuspecting cashew towards his head where he catches the nut between his pearly whites. At this point I’m actually laughing out loud in my apartment because This Man Be Crazy.

Cut to commercial and my laughter dies down. I think this situation through. And then it fully dawns on me that this Dane Cook guy has admitted on national television that he ATE A CASHEW FLUNG FROM THE TIP OF HIS PENIS. I’m still finding the situation amusing but am now very concerned about his personal hygiene. Because just in case you didn’t know, THAT’S WHERE THE PEE HOLE IS AND HE JUST ATE SOMETHING OFF IT.