Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Yesterday was one of those crazy days where the world stops spinning on it’s lovely diagonal axis and you get a second or two to understand what Mr. Clarke was talking about in ‘Childhood’s End.’ Obviously I’m overexaggerating, but that’s what I do. I say things like “This lotion smells like heaven” when what I really mean is “This lotion adequately performs it’s lotionizing duties but I feel I must be excessively exuberant in my appreciation of the lotion.” That may or may not be a good example but I’m counting on you not to judge me and to continue nodding your head in semi-agreement.

A friend of mine got married yesterday afternoon and another one found out she is having a bundle of joy that comes fully equipped with a sausage and meatballs, which means she instantly began debating the name that will accompany this little boy well into adulthood. Here’s hoping they don’t name him Rupert or Otis.

Both of these girls are like balls of hyper-rotating happiness, radiating fields of glowing human sunshine that thankfully does not require one to wear protective glasses to prevent the dancing sunlight from sneaking in and searing off your corneas. It’s a pleasant kind of sunshine, one that leaves chunks of sparkly glitter in their wake because they’ve got so much giddiness stored up they can’t possibly contain it.

On a different note, this means I am the last remaining single female in my office. If I think really hard about it, I may be the only single PERSON left in my office. This is neither good nor bad, it just is. Just like the love of Tom and Katie just is. And the lure of yellow post-it notes just is. And the thirst-quenching effects of water just is. That was all one potential grammatical nightmare but I had to keep going with my analogy. You understand.

So what I’m thinking is this: I’m going to start dressing my cats in clothing, like, really scary clothing. The best kind is usually made for dogs, so I think I’ll just repurpose it for the cats. Cats have four legs and a head. Dogs have four legs and a head. There’s no reason this won’t work. Then I’m going to double, no, triple my efforts to train The Demonspawn in the delights of walking on a leash. There’s really nothing delightful about it but with the use of many, many cat treats and the lure of an open can of tuna, perhaps I can convince them to go along with my plan.

Once we master the leash walking and the clothes wearing, we’re going for very long walks around the neighborhood. I’m going to start waiving at everyone in lieu of channeling my inner New Yorker and refusing to make eye contact with passer-by. So instead of Inhospitable Southern Lady Who Probably Has A Yankee In The Family, I’m going to be the Gracious But Distinctly Crazy Southern Lady Who Smells Faintly Of Cat Litter.

That or I’m going to get some religion in me. So when people ask for the thousandth time why I am still single at the ovary-shriveling age of 26, I can tell them it’s because I’m married to my lord and savior Mohammed Ali.

**Addendum: Just so we're clear, I'm truly not concerned with my ever present single status. Though if I listened to my grandmother, oh, I don't know EVERY TIME SHE SPEAKS, I'd have settled down and hence would have someone available who, theoretically, would readily volunteer to help me move roughly every 18 months. And Carl is right-- marriages and kids take a lot of time and energy, neither of which I'm willing to spare. if everyone listened to their mothers and fathers and truly believed them when they said marriage and offspring are hard work, no one would actually participate in the propogation of the human race. And if everyone listened to me ramble, no one would get married or let their ovaries accept the knocking of some traveling sperm. Unless you're that girl Erica from 'The Bachelor.' Then I will beg you to listen to me and strongly urge that should the situation arise when someone is willing to loan you their DNA, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU BREED.


Carl from L.A. said...

The marriage and the kid thing are much overrated, if you ask me. Spouses and children inevitably become excess baggage, and get very expensive to maintain - if you are responsible and maintain them, that is. Should things don't work out with the marriage, last check it's about 50% of the time, your then-beloved spouse would drag you to court and take half of everything your worked for. Your children, meanwhile, first tear up the house and then rebel against the hands that feed and clothe them and declare themselves as independents and you as irrelevant. Just wait till they find out.

Look at your singleness as a blessing.

duckie said...

I completely disagree with Carl. I consider being a parent the most rewarding thing in my life. They are all the best parts of me and more. They love me when I'm a jerk. They love me when i don't get that promotion. They love me when I'm tired and ugly. They will always love me and i will always love them. There are few people in the world you can say that about, but you can say that about your children.

My life is so much fuller because of my children. That's not to say that I would'nt have a nice life without them. But i really couldn't image being as content as i am now.

Having children isn't for everybody. But i believe those that are most frightened by it are the ones that would make some of the best parents.

Don't write it off comepletely. You've got time. All it takes is finding the right guy and you may totally change your view on the whole situation.

Jason said...

...still, when it gets to the point of dressing your pets, you gotta start to wonder about things...

Carl from L.A. said...

I'm glad things are working out for you, but you need to look at things from a different point of view, Duckie.

Being married and having kids does not make your life, nor if you are single and childless make you useless. There are too many irresponsible people out there who don't know how to be a good husband/wife/parent that make this society fucked up the way it is. I much rather people take responsibility and not get married and have kids just because the masses look at it favorably. The masses won't be there at the divorce court or when the kids don't get the proper attention and become drug addicts, alcoholics, promiscuous, runaways, etc.

kiki said...

i'm 22 and my parents are asking questions of when i'll have kids!!

i think they have given up on the other two (older)...

Janet said...

26 is the prime of your life! You have plenty of time to find "The One" and change diapers. If you don't feel ready, you aren't. Besides, marrying at thirty is the new Vogue.

Kid Fury said...

Oh gods no, not the 'clothing on the cats' please no! You can do that when you're 50 and bored.

I know finding the 'One' takes work but don't make it easy for them to think you've lost the marbles, hehe.

Yes, it's a lot of work. Sometimes it's like scraping out the inside of your skull but those highs do make up for the lows. Kids are wonderful that way. Now marriage... there's something we can do without. It's crazy talk I say!