Tuesday, November 21, 2006

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you

Normally I don’t watch the weird reality shows that force people to make-out on camera in tiny bikinis and perfect makeup while frolicking in the ocean surf. I also don’t watch reality shows that force people to hike or fish or swim or swallow living things with exoskeletons. And I really hate the ones that pretend that walking a low-quality metal structure with a camera strapped to your hard hat are meant to entertain me. They make me uncomfortable and they make me feel awkward. Not awkward as in I just burped in front of my boss awkward but awkward as in Holy Catpoop, Batman, did that girl really just eat an uncooked cow penis on national television? My heart hurts for her.

But last night was different. I was bored and feeling very disinclined to get off my couch and find the remote. Granted, I know that the remote is sitting on the left side table right next to the DVD and stereo remotes because this is where the remotes live and god help you if you move them. My arms aren’t long enough to reach them while stretched out on the couch, however, and short of training The Demonspawn to perform such useful acts, I was left watching whatever happened to come on ABC at 8pm.

As it turns out, the 8pm slot was reserved for some kind of catch-up show for The Bachelor. Besides the fact that The Bachelor holds some of the characteristics I mentioned above, I don’t watch it because it is by far one of the stupidest concepts I have ever seen appear season after season on the airwaves. I can’t even be bothered to explain why because it truly just annoys me that much.

Apparently not enough to force me off the couch and change the channel, though. I watched an hour of some reunion episode, where the “most memorable” girls came back to air their grievances and get a short generic statement from Senor Bachelor about why he didn’t choose them to be his most esteemed lifetime companion.

The real amusement came when some dark-haired Prissy McPrisserton named Lisa was asked to defend the fact that she WALKED OUT OF HER BEDROOM WEARING A WEDDING GOWN when Senor Bachelor came to meet her folks. Just in case you missed that: SHE WALKED OUT OF HER BEDROOM WEARING A WEDDING GOWN. Like, one she purchased before going on the show. I’m not sure what message she was trying to send with this display of commitment-readiness. And let’s not even talk about the plethora of wedding planner books and brides magazines and various other Till Death Do Us Part accoutrements. This one, she is scary.

The part I was really looking forward to was the discussion of Erica, the Texas-born rich girl whose comment of “I don’t see any maids around here and I’m a little concerned.” was played on various satirical radio and television broadcasts. I even once caught a scene of Kelly Ripa impersonating the little pointy-chinned twat, and I thought surely, SURELY, she was exaggerating just a wee smidge. But no, she was not. She was by far the most annoying human being I have ever seen on television, and that includes the creepy kid who played Urkel. Her vapid smile made my innards quiver in fear because someone, somewhere will breed with this idiotic specimen of a human being and those genes will yet again be watered down and passed forth to an unsuspecting and ill-prepared generation.

In the end I felt kind of sorry for these girls, and doubly sorry that I had not found the energy to change the channel to a nice viewing of Meerkat Manor on the Animal Planet station.


Carl from L.A. said...

I don't particularly care for those reality dating shows, except for "Flavor of Love" - now *that's* good TV.

I've been hooked on "Heroes", you know, Save the Cheerleader, Save NBC. It's almost as good as my old fave, The X-Files.

duckie said...

those carzy Meerkats are cool.

Adam said...

I thought Meerkat Manor was just a crazy show for Australian people... does your version have a storyline? Do you think they get minor celebrities in every country to do the narration?

So many questions...