Thursday, July 03, 2008

A whole new look

For the most part I ignore the Spam folder in my gmail (an email address that will remain forever sacred because, hello, have you ever been online-stalked by a foot-obsessed podiatrist? I have and it's not as fun as you'd think). But today I got a wild hair up my ass, an expression I am just now contemplating and realizing is a bit disturbing. I'm picturing rotund buttocks with mutant fur that grows steadily into the rectum, all in fast-forward video. It is not pretty. And neither is my Spam folder.

As you can see, quite a lot of people are encouraging me to update my penis.

First, let's talk about the random capitalization of letters. Why is Penis capitalized, but not Your? I mean, this is a perfectly good imperative independent clause. Implied subject, verb, noun, the whole bit. What kind of significance are they placing here? It's like saying "Clean your Room!" or "Change your Underwear!"

Second, how does one go about updating a body part? I mean, I love makeover shows, but the thought of giving a weiner a new set of earrings or a stylish new hair-do is just plain un-American. Updating is what you do to your wardrobe or nail polish, it's not what you do to your wangalang.


Carl said...

Are you qualified to comment on a body part that I most certainly wish that you do not possess?

It's now three months between posts, almost sparse enough to be called "once in a blue moon".

Anonymous said...

I love your stories! I read your blog at work, and I'm always getting dirty looks from laughing wildly and LOUDLY~haha

Jack said...

Yeah, what's up with that? My inbox is constantly accusing me of being flacid.

And the verdict on Vermont was?