Friday, January 07, 2005

Crazy Season is officially OVER

Just like the title says, I am no longer in season for Crazy. Done. Stick a fork in me. Roasted crispy. Ready-to-serve.

I had a five day span where I really did go off the deep end a little bit. But, I suppose we all have those moments. Or so I assume. Granted, sometimes I don't have the best surround sound in my head. I have body image issues that pop up at the most inconvenient of times and a basin full of self-deprecating thoughts waiting to explode. But it's by no means my every day thought process. When I wrote my previous entry, I felt like it would never get any better. I was conscious of every flaw, defect and blemish. Not to mention having become so obsessed with presenting to my family the image they so desperatly want to see. How could I ever knowingly disapoint the ones I love when it was something I could so easily change? Surely my dating/commitment reservations were not natural and merely a by-product of too much must-see-tv. Right?

Well, this whole shabang has (cheesily enough) taught me quite a bit.

1) I tried to mold someone into something I would like. And worse yet, I attempted to mold myself into something he'd like. I didn't listen to a single thought that said otherwise. I wasn't sure about his voice. And yet I told my friends otherwise. I explained a disproportionate amount of my humor. And still I told my friends how he got my jokes. I disregarded quirks that normally would be deal-breakers ... being the picky person I am it's easy to find these "quirks" in just about everyone. So I attempted to be less demanding. Overall, I was just as enthralled with my friends reaction to my date as I was with the actual date itself. It showed them I was participating in normal behavior. Not letting past mishaps cloud my thoughts. And I worked myself up into such a frenzy, there's no way I could have let anyone live up to such standards. Ridiculous, really.

2) In the process of trying to bring me out of my self-imposed panics, I learned way more about the minds of men who surround my friends. Turns out, they think I'm cute. I'm a little weirded out that the word "hot" was used as a descriptive word as I'm pretty sure I've never heard myself called that, but it's still kinda nice. Every girl needs a boost now and then. Let's be honest. I was a weird looking kid. And quiet. And brainy. And a little too goofy. Now, here I am at an age considered 'adult' by the majority of the free world, and I still think like I did when I was 12. But at least I am aware it happens.

3) I may want, desperately, to delete my previous post. But I will not. It will be there to remind me how ridiculous I can get.

So. I feel calmer than I have in days. The infamous date is over. I'm still not completely sure about this whole thing. I just don't buy into the theory that this has to be complicated. I think we make it complicated. But if we (I) listened to our (my)
head(s) in the process, we'd (I'd) be a lot better off.

Well. I've exhausted the self-centeredness for the evening. I'm going to go sleep the last of my crazy off. Contemplate how I let myself become such a huge freak over a five-day-period.

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