Thursday, August 04, 2005

Are You Gonna Eat That? No? WELL THEN MOVE OVER, LOSER.

Did you know it takes more energy to chew celery than the actual calories inherent IN THE CELERY?

MY GOD.

Can you imagine if foods we actually LIKED came with this property?

Cake, for instance. I love cake. Not so much cookies. But cake, definitely. And not the cake with the super-sugary icing. Because the cake ITSELF needs to be moist and delicious and oh-so-very-mouth-wateringly-tasteee. And the icing needs to be buttercream. Or that really light whipped kind of icing that comes on some cakes. BUT NOT THE FREAKISH KROGER ICING THAT SPARKS OFF INSULIN WARS IN MY PANCREAS.

Other foods?

Hmm.

Cheetos. Cheetos are THE BEST. The one area where Mrs. Federline and I agree. Well... there was that ONE TIME I had sex with my loser backup dancer.. but I think I was high at the time so it TOTALLY doesn't count.

And finally:

ALL MEXICAN FOODS. See, I'm not a super-big fan of the Eye-talian foods. I like them, and I enjoy them, but I don't LURRVE them. Chinese food is awesome but let's be honest-- no one can eat that shit more than once a week. But Mexican food... Honey. I could eat that yummy goodness seven times a day if need be. The state of our nation depends upon eating as much Mexican food as possible? I GOT A PURPLE HEART FOR THAT, BITCH. That baby can't be pulled from that well alive unless that whole tub of Mexican food is eaten right this very second! THAT'S WHY MY MOUTH HINGES OPEN, FOOL. ALL THE BETTER TO INHALE DE MEHEECAN FOOD.



On another, and just as pleasing, note:

THE ANNOYING DATA ENTRY BITCH IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here's how it went down: I had just sat down to work after yet another PeppityPepPep meeting when DEB (Data Entry Bitch) says "I'm just going to take my picture frames home and change out the pictures in them."

I stare blankly at her because, even though she SEEMS to be aiming her whiny-assed voice in my direction, why would it ever cross her feeble mind THAT I WOULD GIVE A SHIT.

But apparently the silence was too much for her to bear and she finally pipes up with a "Birdie, did you hear meee?"

Thinking: GAH! yes I heard you, you infantile drain on society!

Saying: Yes, I heard you. Silence. (searching brain for appropriate thing to say.) Hope you find some new pictures.

DEB: I'm going to clean out my desk too, while I'm at it. It's so dirty!

Me: Um. Okay. Good luck with that.

So she proceeds to spend the next fifteen minutes cleaning out her desk and gathering up her picture frames. She mutters and empties things in the trash but I learned a long time ago to not respond to her mutterings becuase IT JUST ENCOURAGES HER TO SPEAK EVEN MORE.

DEB leaves at 11:15am.

12:30pm

1:30pm

2:30pm

Her supervisor comes over and asks what time DEB left for lunch. Expresses concern that DEB has not yet returned.

3:30pm

4:30pm.

Calls made to DEB's cell by her friend in credit and her supervisor. Calls made to home number. Calls made to hospitals.

NOTHING.

So today, she doesn't show up either. We look in her desk and IT'S COMPLETELY EMPTY. She even managed to somehow take the heavy-as-shit tape dispenser and stapler as well as every pen and pencil this side of the Mississippi.

Confusion is expressed that her desk is so empty... and yet her stupid leopard print pillow is still sitting in her chair.

To which I say: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

I AM OFFICIALLY FREE OF THE DEB!!!!!!!!

Her supervisor signed her termination papers a scant hour ago!!!! YEE HAW!

And of course, we felt compelled (and by we, I mean the other nosy, cranky individuals with whom I work) to change her voicemail message. We didn't want anyone to be confused now did we? And if we just happened to listen to her voicemails while we were at it? Just making sure there was nothing important on there!

HERE'S TO YOU, DEB! YOU HAD 4 COLLECTION PHONE CALLS IN 24 HOURS ON YOUR VOICEMAIL AND YOUR OUTGOING MESSAGE HAS BEEN DELETED!

CHEERS!

2 comments:

Carl from L.A. said...

Unless you are lucky, I think everyone has someone like DEB in their office. Glad to hear that yours is gone.

Oswald Croll said...

I agree with Carl, that I why I strive to be DEB, and just make everyone else crazy.