Friday, December 16, 2005

I Still Stutter Around Boys

The phone only rang twice before his mother picked up. In my nervousness I launched myself across the floor to tackle the phone, punching the hang-up button as quickly as any gangly eleven-year-old could possibly move. There was no way I was going to let Lacy do this. NO WAY IN HELL. But then, almost immediately, I was overcome with the need to KNOW, know RIGHT THEN, what the answer was. Did he? Did he not? Like vultures they could sense my indecision.

So this time Lacy picked up the phone while Tiffany and Ella held my arms down on the floor. All in an effort to prevent a repeat of my earlier launching performance. The phone rang three times, his mother answered. I started to giggle. An inexplicable reaction, but I giggled nonetheless. Even at the time I knew how juvenile it was but I was POWERLESS to stop it. And so Lacy began the dance.

How are you?
How's your weekend?
Have you finished your science homework?
Are you going to church tomorrow?
Isn't school totally lame?
Are you going to the Tiffany concert in Jackson? My mom is taking me and my sister.
Did you see what Erica wore on Friday? It was so ugly.
Do you ever talk to my friend [redacted]? The one that sits behind you? She told me you guys go to the same country club. Really? Don't you think she's, like, really pretty and stuff? I heard from Sam that you might like her. Oh? Really? Well, yeah, she is. But she's still really pretty, in her own way. Yeah, I know Melanie. She lives two doors down from me. Yeah, I talk to her all the time. Oh. Sure, I'll tell her you said hi. Hey, I gotta go. My mom is here to pick me up. 'K. Bye.

Lacy hung up the phone and told it to me straight. Not in the interest of sparing my feelings- but because she was actually foaming at the mouth to tell us, and everyone within a 30 mile radius, what the Grudzien boy had said.

"He says you never talk and that you're really tall."


The Grudzien boy moved away that Christmas, much to my relief and sadness. I never admitted to a single person, even my friends, that I had ever liked the Grudzien boy. I maintained FOR YEARS that Lacy had been trying to fix me up and I'd been held against my will by Tiffany and Ella. The next year I developed a crush on another Unattainable, Thomas Hutto. THAT crush, through lack of other available candidates and total boredom, lasted from seventh grade until junior year in high school. It lasted through Thomas' chubby faze, his growth spurt and subsequent bony skeletor faze. I supported his ridiculous attempts at facial hair and baggy-pant-addiction. I adored his black Chevy truck with the sticker on the back window proclaiming "We Don't Give a Damn How You Did It Up North." I became ridiculously smitten when he developed a nickname for me our sophomore year, BTH. Neither he nor any of his Popular Smart Kid friends would tell me what BTH stood for until the day before I was set to move to Texas. That afternoon he finally caved and whispered in my ear-- Big Titty Holmes. And you know what? My mild feminist values flew right out the window and I was FLATTERED that he'd noticed something, ANYTHING, about me.

I had no real crushes once I moved back to Texas. Though I did briefly date a guy named Adam who had possibly the least amount of game of any teenage male who has EVER LIVED. The first time he kissed me came after a three hour marathon viewing of South Park. He got up to turn off the VCR, sat back down on the couch and PROMPTLY launched himself, mouth open and tongue out, at my face. I actually had to ask him to take his tongue out for JUST A WEE SECOND so I could get a breath. I was too shell-shocked to give the boy any pointers, concentrating as I was on taking regular breaths and convincing him to take me home ASAP, so I hope some girl took pity on the guy later in life. Though I heard he became a huge pothead in college.

Let's hope that relaxed his tongue muscles a bit.


Jenni said...

Wow, Birdie. You're highschool dating experiences seem to have been about the same caliber as mine...not very exciting. But anyway...I LOVED the story. Your writing reminds me a bit of the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evonovich (which are wonderful).

birdie said...

OHMIGOD you are my new best friend. that was possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever said.


thank you for making my day :)

meghansdiscontent said...

Hang on,
Wasn't Thomas Hutto the guy we met Freshman Year at Arbys with the other Texarkana/Hope people????
Your friend that attended A & M???
Am I wrong??
You had a crush on that guy??
I HAD NO IDEA! Seriously.

birdie said...

NO. This guy was from NATCHEZ. You never met this guy. And I know who you're talking about and SHAME ON YOU for thinking that I thought he was crush-worthy. SHUDDER. :)

meghansdiscontent said...

That's why I was so totally and utterly confused.

Sorry. :(

Barry S. said...


I especially loved the part about Adam and his lack of game. It reminds me of a girl I dated once who was perhaps the WORST kisser in the history of mankind. She could be worse than Adam. I actually felt physical pain after kissing her; my lips went numb. It was like getting punched in the mouth.

BTH, eh? We never gave cool nicknames like that...our "game" consisting of stealing girls' Swatch watches and making up nicknames for girls according to which type of animal or inanimate object they resembled (i.e., Bulldog, Jack-o-lantern, you get the picture).
This could be your best installment yet.

Jacques Roux said...

Here via your comment on fuquad's page. I dig your writing style and will certainly be back for more.

By the way, I found out, rather unwittingly, that one's "lack of game" doesn't necessarily disappear after highschool. I dated (ever so briefly) a woman in her mid 30's this summer who was, in fact, the WORST kisser I've ever met. Like she had never even done the practice "kiss the back of your hand" trick.

I'd hate to think what her blowjobs are like. Of course, that probably wouldn't even be an option, if she didn't know how to KISS by now.

Looking forward to more from you.

Last Girl On Earth said...

I'm with Jenni! You are right up there With Janet E! Can't wait to read more. Michele sent me this time, but I'll be back for more!

trueborn said...

My God. What's horrible is that that acronym is still around. I was shocked to be introduced to a girl here at school as BTE. The first two letters you can guess at.
Where's the originality? Guys can think of better ways to tell a woman she's hot than that.

Oh and Birdie, I really like the way you write. You really have a distinct voice.

More please.

Carmi said...

I had to laugh when I read the bad kissing episode. The least the guy could have done was read up on technique before tossing himself down your throat.

Sigh... subtlety is so lost on the young!

I really like the vibe of your blog. Your writing flows nicely. A great read all around!

meghansdiscontent said...

May I make a request for your next blog???

Please, please, please?? There's a funny little college story that the world needs to know about . . and only you can tell it BEST. I could so try, but it would be a corruption of the TRUE tale.

Annathy said...

i read your profile. are you my doppleganger?! i despise talking on the phone. i hate when strangers don't allow me my three feet of personal space. i am only cranky because i have zero tolerance for stupid people. [i guess i am cranky alot] i carry several notebooks [as described in my profile] to remind me of things. i caught your blog from oaklandheidi. i am enjoying your sense of style and i'll be back!

rob said...

I'm pretty decent at chatting up girls but when crushes are involved I turn into a monosyllabic ass-tard..

I just may have a crush on you, so...ummmm...there's...cheese... inside of cows.

My elbows are bendy...


...but only one way.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Very interesting. Thank you Birdie LOL

And I must add, this didn't even sound a bit cranky

maggie said...

damn you

Instead of getting stuff done today, I was hooked onto your stories. I love your story-telling!! You stopped by my blog the other day (?) ... I have my comments set on moderate (stupid spammers). Anyway, your comments there should show up now if you ever leave another one again. Wait, this comment isn't supposed to be about me.

Great blog. I'll keep reading!

Carl from L.A. said...

As you can see, you have more than four readers here. Many, many more.

See? I was right about your great storytelling skills.

Oswald Croll said...

I had all these thoughts while reading you post, but then I got to the last line and in true childish-form, can not type because all I can think of is relaxed tongue muscles....hahahahahahaha.
Gawd, I suck!

MattyG said...

If you ever want an eye opener, just google your own name and read about yourself in a blog written by a childhood friend who you were sure would never have had a second thought about you. Wow I feel like an idiot now! But so you know, I'm not that skinny anymore, and after meeting Condoleeza Rice, that was a mean thing to say about my teeth, haha!