Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Nexium Isn't Working Yet, So I Can Effectively Blame All Hate Crimes On My Stomach Pain


  1. Banana clips are not making a comeback.  Sorry.
  2. Do not ask questions during a meeting FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF ASKING A QUESTION. It wastes seconds of my life and please, when I cut you off every time you open your vast oral cavity which emits a carrion-screeching-bird-like voice LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.  I will continue to cut you off and stare you down UNTIL YOU LEARN.
  3.  If you’re too vapid to remember what happened in LAST WEEK’S meeting, then SHUT YOUR TRAP and keep your talking hands TO YOURSELF.
  4. Do not rehash what I, or anyone else, just said.  Everyone else understood it.  SHUT. UP.
  5. We sit in chairs that come attached with their VERY OWN armrests.  Do not lean sideways and REST ON MINE. 
  6. We gave you the least important, least involved and least annoying (or so we thought) position in the presentation.  DO NOT pretend like it’s the most crucial portion.  DO NOT ask us to review your notes for the bazillionth time. DO NOT. DO NOT. DO NOT.


On a slightly different but always related note, I still hate my job. 

My stomach is still tearing through what little gastric lining is left and preparing to munch on my colon because I’m still at a loss of how I’m going to accomplish quitting my job, going to summer school sans reliable income and healthcare and hoping like a fat kid hopes his momma baked him some cookies for an after school snack that I get in to the program come August.


Also, some under-educated overall-wearing buddha-belly sporting ASS SECRETION decided to chainsaw something very important from 6:50am until 7:45am, when I finally gave up the ruse of sleeping and made some coffee.


Now, sometimes things just need chainsawing. 


Offending trees.

Winter firewood.

Hanging branches.

Live power lines.

Small woodland creatures.


BUT TO DO SO in what is effectively the WEE HOURS OF MORNING is just uncalled for.


Also, you need a bigger overall size.  Your hip fat was hanging out you ball-less twat.




Drunken Chud said...

i know i need bigger overalls, but shit, you didn't need to call me a ball-less twat. just cuz i'm fat doesn't mean i don't feel. anyhow, i love nexium... mmm... but i hate the damn diet they had me on when i started taking it. fucking bland as shit. only drink water, no ketchup, no mustard, no vinegars, no blah no go fuck yourself! worst 3 months of my life... i am a fat man after all. i needs me some flava!

Jenni said...

"hoping like a fat kid hopes his momma baked him some cookies"....Birdie, I really hope your stomach stops hurting, but I certainly DO NOT hope that you ever stop cracking me up!!!

Carl from L.A. said...

To be able to tolerate others is an art.

Barry S. said...

Actually, I think the tight overalls are a bit much; personally, when chainsawing small woodland creatures I prefer to do it in my Batman costume.

Coyote Mike said...

I cured myself of what was going to be an ulcer by a daily cup of mint-tea, and by avoiding coffee. It sucks, but it worked.

Rune said...

I want to be your man slave....

meghansdiscontent said...

Were we not going to be sleeted into our respective homes . . . I would be bringing you copious amounts of alcohol and tons of friendship.

Bad day, babe??

Tried to email but your email is the devil again.
Won't call because you can't answer at work.
But you need to call me because we gotta talk.

Jacques Roux said...

Carl from LA sounds like a pussy, tolerance is WAY over-rated.

Keep the Hate on, Full Steam Ahead!!

Carl from L.A. said...

I pity you.