Don't think for one second that I won't cut you.

I have a serious complaint and I’d like all four of you out there to read this in its entirety, because it’s of great significance, possibly even great NATIONAL significance. Or something.

People. Why do you not respond to my emails? I’m not talking about friends and acquaintances, though to be honest I can’t say I don’t want your responses, because I do. It’s just that I know that there are times when I’m not good at replying. I get distracted by the ceaseless noisemaking of the two felines that insist upon living in my house, even though I’ve decided they are good for nothing but lots of smelly poop and tracking miniscule bits of litter on the sofa. And so I read an email and hear a meeeOWWWW, mmmeeeoowWWWWW, MEOW BITCH LISTEN TO ME I WANT YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION meeeOOWW. And then I throw whatever unsolicited mail has managed to pile up on my desk right at their heads, halfway hoping the sharp pointy edge takes out their vocal chords. As such, my attention gets turned away from the laptop and towards a dust bunny that needs sweeping or a marathon showing of Laguna Beach. (Who gives a 16-year-old a Range Rover? Seriously.)

So while I don’t normally judge the friends/acquaintances group for not replying, because I have replying issues of my own, I most certainly judge the work/business inquiry group for not replying because, hello. Does your email not sit directly in front of you all day long? Have you somehow managed to figure out how to keep the little You Have New Mail celebratory message from popping up in neon lights on your desktop? HAVE YOU? Because it took me nearly a year of using Outlook to figure out that was even a changeable option, that I could somehow turn off that annoying function that not only shows I have a new piece of mail but also displays the first twenty or so words to whomever happens to be sitting in my office. Which is awesome, especially when I get a non-work-related email that starts off something like Hey hooker, how’s your day? Ugh. I’ve got major gas from those burritos last night…

More specifically, when I send you an email inquiring about an apartment for rent, one you listed on your confusing and inelegantly designed crock of a website, do not take eight days to reply. This is a cutthroat business, folks. Someone is bound to snap up an under priced two bedroom in the historic district and you with your slow replying and lackadaisical response of “I can set up a viewing anytime late next week” is totally unacceptable. I don’t apartment hunt for my health. I apartment hunt so I can find a place I like, sign a lease and MOVE IN. I do not dilly dally. I don’t wish wash about decisions. If anything I make decisions too quickly, only stopping to mock the slow decision makers along the way. This may or may not be a good trait but personally I could not give less of a shit.

So in conclusion, if your livelihood depends upon me and various others stroking you a check every month, it seems that it would be in your best interest to reply to my email already and in quick-like fashion. The sooner you get me in, the sooner I am likely to fork over a thousand dollars worth of security deposits and pet fees. And the sooner you can lease a new Porsche or twelve with your rental income, all because your wife’s father was loaded and gave you some change to purchase a real estate “investment,” which now funds your golf habit and that tennis pro you’ve been seeing on the side.