Saturday, March 12, 2005

Five beers later and I have plopped my ass in front of my macketymacmac to typetytypetype. Yo. G.

Probably not a good plan.

Fingers not moving as should.

I would like to discuss the Jesus pamphlet. My brother threw the Jesus pamphlet away (fucker) so I'll just have to go from memory.

The pamphlet arrived in the mail a little over a week ago. Hell, it could have gotten here 8 months ago for all I know. I just happened to sweep my hand in the bottom of the mail box and came up with a colorful and shiny little pamphlet. Before I'd really paid attention, I thought the pamphlet was for some creepy sci-fi convention. And who could blame me? On the front cover was a decidedly orange, bulked up man with flowing, shoulder-length white hair. A red snake/dragon thing curled around his legs and a off in the distance was a young, dairk-haired girl looking over her shoulder while non-chalantly standing on a planet-type thing.

DAMN I wish I still had the pamphlet. The wording was truly a work of art.

Gist of it is, there's this guy. He travels around and whatnot, broadcasting his message of the "true" meaning of Revelations. He explains what Jesus really wants from us. He shows us the way. He tells us The Truth About Jesus and demonstrates what we can do to follow Jesus's hunky orange example of power and light, all while RAKING IN THE DOUGH. Oh, don't get me wrong. He's a smart one. His four week program is entirely free. But, uh, feel free to donate to the cause of the orange Jesus.

By the way, beer 6 is down.

ALL PRAISE THE ORANGE JESUS! Let him show you the way to eternal buffness!

And could someone explain the girl, standing on the planet, looking all calm and shit? Please? This isn't Mary, is it? Because I don't think Mary (the "whore" not the "mom") was ever into orange guys. Cause this guy is O-Range. And he's sporting what appears to be a giant wanker. If we stay on this pattern, I think we can expect a new porno out soon.

"JESUS DOES DALLAS-- AND SATISFIES THEM ALL!"

Sorry. Is that offensive?

Suck it.

Personally, I'd loooooove to hear this guy's feelings on the world at-large. I'm sure he's full of all manner of awe-inspiring comments that will turn my life into a giant cesspool of Orangejesuslove.

Fuckityfuckfuck.

Beer 7.

Hold up need to pee.

Holy Catpoop, Batman. I need to scoop the cat litter. Phew. It smells like a giant sack full of catpooass upstairs. Llama (the cat) has had some intestinal troubles since I switched his cat food. He eats his feelings. And he was getting on the chunkee side. So I put him on the fat-cat food. Even though Llama has no self-control, I'm hoping that the fat-ass-cat-food helps bring him down from obese to maybe just big boned. It's all my fault. I thought he was hungry when he meowed. So I always kept his food bowl filled. And now he's a fatmotherfucker.

Beer 8.

Shit. I was all ready to talk about the orange Jesus. Orange Jesus. Orange Jesus. Lovely flowing white hair. I'm sure they didn't mean to make a religious icon into a hulking sexpot. I'd also love to hear the explanation behind the red snake/dragon thing. What's the purpose with that? Okay okay, the devil. Yes, I know. But it's ridiculously sexual for the Orange Jesus.

Yes, followers of the Orange Jesus! The Devil will slither up your leg but you're to grab him by the head and BITE, yes BITE his head off with your shiny white teeth!

I'm sleepy.

Night.

2 comments:

Jbsss said...

Friends don't let friends blog while drunk =P.

sqg said...

Ok. I'm hooked! This is truely entertaining writing! Orange Jesus! -lmao!
Can't wait to get back here and read more of your archives.

I've got to tell my friend Pepper about your place. He'll just love your writing.
Is Llama bent on world domination too? I know that Pepper's cat is.
-lol
Great stuff birdie!
Keep up the great work! :)
sqg