Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Stupid Thoughts From Today, Mostly Influenced By Heavy Sedation Due To Over-Medicating Myself With Total Crap Cold Medicine THAT IS SO NOT WORKING.

1) Ok. So I understand the placing of signs in the elevator informing THE ENTIRE COMPANY that LORDY LORDY *some chick's name here*'s FORTY!! Super. Whatever. You're excited because your friend turned forty. But placing these same sheets inside BOTH THE MALE AND FEMALE RESTROOMS?? ON THE INSIDE OF THE STALLS??? SERIOUSLY???
2) It might be beneficial to read the backs of medicine boxes before actually ingesting said medicine. For instance, do not use the nifty vapo inhaler 15 times in a row and then follow it with 3 shots of nose spray because THAT SHIT BURNS, AND BURNS HARD. I suppose this is how people who snort coke feel. I'd bet my leftover candy that I've got a hole in my septum the size of a lemon.
3) Why do people in my office grow bamboo at their desks? Does this look like a fucking jungle? Does it? NO. When the bamboo grows 3 feet ABOVE your cubicle, perhaps it is time to start thinking about CUTTING BACK THE BAMBOO.
4) No one is fooled by that faux bun on the back of your head. We all know you don't have hair down to your ass and that there's NO WAY in THIS LIFETIME that you'll have luxurious locks. Only black ladies can do that and get away with it. WHITE GIRLS CAN'T DO FAUX HAIR. Unless your name is Britney Spears, of course. Then by all means, have at it.
5) I just sneezed and used a total of four, count 'em FOUR tissues. And I even bought the non-ghetto kind with the lotion.

THERE IS A GIANT MUCUS BALL INSIDE MY CRANIAL CAVITY AND IT'S MAKING ME VERY CRANKY.

Want. To. Shove. Q. Tip. In. Ear. Oh, THE PRESSURE.

4 comments:

meghansdiscontent said...

I was so totally going to reem you for not calling, as promised, on your break, but now I see you may have checked yourself into a hospital . . . and rightly so. Honey, I think you may have avian flu. Or just general sickness. Or possibly you've finally become allergic to your 1 cute cat and 1 fat, obnoxious cat.

Need chicken soup?
Or a man from Toronto to scrape your windows?

Anything I can do to make you feel better (like stop OTHER friends from drunk dialing you from Waffle House at 3 AM)?

Carl from L.A. said...

A hole the size of a lemon does not look good anywhere on you.

Oswald Croll said...

Unlike the other thing that feels great, just inserting isn't enough...... the Q-Tip I mean. The best part is spinning it......mmmmmmm. It feels like a sneeze, but bigger.
Sorry you're not feeling well. I find a little whiskey at breakfast makes the day go better. If not, repeat at lunch, then as many times as needed till deisred results are reached.

OS

meghansdiscontent said...

You sounded so not good tonight. I hope you got some real rest for once. Alana and I apologize for bothering you . . but remind me to tell you tales of the hot (not so hot to Alana, but you KNOW her man taste) bartender.

Sounded like you got some great drugs though! May have been better than the bartender would have been for you! :)