Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I Blame The Extra Hormones Brought To You Today By Ortho Tricyclin Lo

Sometimes I wonder if, by chance, I got left out of the Whole Gene Packet.

The Whole Gene Packet being the Packet that allows you to absorb the full and total amount of genes your blessed parents bequeathed to you, their blessed offspring.

What I DID receive from this Whole Gene Packet was my father's gimp third toe, the one with a missing joint. It comes in handy when I want to flip you off. With my foot. I also got the family skin. (We age well in our family.) From my mother, I got a propensity to have moles in weird places. Like the one between my 2nd and 3rd toe. And the one between my nose and mouth. (Though I must say, when Cindy Crawford became famous in the early 90's SHE DID WONDERS for my social appeal. Suddenly "the girl with the mole on her face" was "the girl with that hot Cindy Crawford mole on her face.")

I got my father's impatience and temper, my mother's quiet and artistic nature. That grudge I'll hold against you for the rest of your life? Thank my father for that. My bony feet? My mother's sister.

But here's where I got left out:

Everyone in my family- and when I say everyone, I mean mother, father, brother, aunt, uncle, cousins, grandmothers and grandfathers- has a very large propensity for relationships. Long ones. Ones that last, if not a lifetime, then long enough to make you thankful that we've got long-life genes in the family and that nursing-home marriages are on the rise.

My brother, from the time he was thirteen-on, has been in some form of a relationship. He even stays LONGER in the relationship than necessary, dragging it on for years and years when really, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED OFF IN SEASON TWO. My mother met my father at age 17 and married him at age 21. My aunt? Married at 15, divorced and with child at 17 and married again by 24. My cousin, married at 22. My OTHER cousin, married at 23. Grandmother, married at 19. THE LIST GOES ON AND ON.

And, let's note, it's not like these people married the first thing they saw coming off the bus. There were Steadies in that pool, plenty from which to choose.

And then there's me.

I can't hold down a relationship for longer than 2 months. YES THAT IS AN ACCURATE STATEMENT IT IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION.

The last time I even DATED someone?


His name was Evan and we broke up because he said humans weren't meant to have feelings and emotions. And that he wasn't a sexual entity. Of course, not three weeks before he had come near begging for a bit of cherry pie. SO PARDON MY CONFUSION WHEN YOU TELL ME YOU'RE NOT A SEXUAL ENTITY.

Not that I'm bitter.

Now I'll be honest. For a very, very long time I don't think I was physically capable of a relationship. Sometimes things happen. And sometimes you dwell on it for far too long and you end up becoming a person you don't really like. And then you spend a lot of time trying to FIX the person you've become and whom you don't really like until one day BAM! You realize, hey, I don't mind being touched anymore. I don't mind touching other people. NO SKIN CREEPY CRAWLIES! YAY!

But how do you go about telling everyone else you feel okay now? How do you correct years of standoffishness and untouchability? HOW DO I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE? Commitment, with the right person and at the right time, doesn't skeeve me out anymore. Little babies and wee kids- they don't make the hives come out in full force or the bile rise in my throat.


But here's where I'm freaked out.

Everyone else out there ("everyone" being a very broad generalization) has had those 'practice' runs. Things in high school. Things in college. Things after college.


Nada. I'm ten years behind schedule.

I haven't had anyone express outright, full-on interest in, well, years. Yes, there are the freaks of the world. The creepy guy at the bar missing teeth and sporting a Hawaiian shirt. The friend's friend with the Star Trek obsession and pasty skin to prove it. But no one that has pursued, or even attempted to pursue, well, me.

And today, for some reason, that makes me sad.

But I am a girl and I'm allowed to have these days without judgment. SO BITE ME.


trueborn said...

Well Miss Birdie. I feel your pain. See I went to an all guys High School, and while I did date a little, I was socially retarded when I went off to college. Oh and I had acne in High School, the girls didn't dig that. So when I went to college I was a fish out of water. I had no idea what I was supposed to do when a girl showed interest in me, I dropped the ball. My own experience with relationships has come about over the last couple of years. Now that doesn't mean I didn't have days like yours. I had a lot of them. My self esteem took a while to be built up after high school, but after a while I figured out it was time to put my money where my mouth was. I'm behind, but I'm working hard to catch up.

From what I've seen (cute picture) and read if you were anywhere near me I'd be asking you out tomorrow.:)

Get out there. Meet new people. Take some scary chances and let other people glimpse the wonder that is Robin. It's never too late to start looking for love.
Good Luck Birdie.

Again, men in the south are stupid!

Annathy said...

girl you need to do two things.

1) put a wedding ring on that left hand. buy one from walmart if you have to.

2) be happy, like you would be if you were in a happy relationship.

having said that, the guys will notice - and not just the ugly dorks either. they see something tasty that they can't have (hence the ring) and they will be interested.

how do i know this? well all through senior year, not one guy looked my way, but once i got married and out in the real world, those same guys started flirting with me.

when they asked who i married, i heard them say "oh, its one of those guys from band" i turned around and said, "yes a guy from band, because guys like you didn't give me the time of day!"

what do you have to lose? give it a shot and then post all the details for us to read. :)

sqg said...

Don't be sad sweet birdie.
You're still so very young. Women shouldn't think that they have to find Mr. Right at your age. You've got plenty of time to be pursued. I'd say 35 is a nice age to start weeding out the have's and have-nots!

A nice southern girl like you will be driving the guys crazy for a long time. :)

Katy said...

Oh I so feel your pain. I am now past the age of everyone else in my family when they got married. If I hear my grandma say "if we could just find you a nice boy" one more time I swear I'll...I'll do something or say something really mean! Good luck.

Jenni said...

I'm relating to you here, on some important levels. I did not date one single guy I went to high school with. Later,I met a peice o' crap and ended up marrying him because I didn't realize that I was a late bloomer too and could hold out for better, much better. I divorced the looser and found Mr.Right. Don't worry, your day will come without having to go through the crap that I did. You are much smarter, I can tell.
The best way to catch a man is to use those feminine wiles. Accentate whatever it is about you that you like. It'll happen for you.

meghansdiscontent said...

Oh damn, girly!
Why didn't you include this tirade in your emails the other day . . . I had no idea this was boiling under the surface:

1st - your brother is WEIRD about his relationships. Besides THINK about THOSE girls.

2nd - Evan was a fuckwit. Hello?? Can you say TARA???

3rd - Pursual of you HAS occured. Babe . . . need I say more than AND I QUOTE - "you should have been my New Years kiss"

Yes, normally I hate this boy with most of the fibers of my being - - but he IS hot, he IS intelligent and he IS all about some BIRDIE! (even if deep down I think he's a bigger fuckwit than Evan)

sqg said...

Listen to Meghan birdie!
Sounds like she know's of what she speaks.

I recommend that you fluff up some pillows, curl up on the couch (a vodka martini with extra olives would be a nice touch) and sit back and enjoy "The Red Violin".

Forget about all this other silliness for now. :)

birdie said...

Meghan- you of all people know that Jon was never in the "pursual" category. He likes to mess with my head.. but that's about it. I'm talking about someone who had ACTUAL INTEREST in being in a NORMAL relationship. That, my friend, has never happened.

sqg said...

*raises hand*


Betty said...

Hrm.... Star Trek? Perhaps, but only if a paper bag will fit over his head. ;)

You'll be fine. Just get out there and do your thing.

Barry S. said...

I agree with trueborn. Get out there and meet people.

Dating can be as good or bad as you wish it to be, so, the most important thing is NOT TO TAKE THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY.


I was at a Christmas party once, and I began talking to the hostess. Cute, single, etc. I told her I could shotgun a beer faster than her and she proved me wrong. I asked her out and she said yes.
On our first date, I pulled out my fake, "Billy bob" teeth, and as serious as can be, asked for a kiss. She looked at me like I was an idiot, which I am, but it broke the tension, and as soon as I took the teeth out she kissed me. We have been together ever since (and that is 5 years).

Go have fun!

meghansdiscontent said...

He counts as persual simply because he came after you.

As for the relationship thing . . . umm, have you realized yet that we live in ARKANSAS??
Men here are NOT normal.
Relationships here are forged in junior high. Marriages occur at 16.

When is the last time you saw ANY of us in a, ha ha ha, HEALTHY relationship??

birdie said...

HE NEVER CAME AFTER ME SILLY GIRL! The whole point of my misery was that he *never* once pursued me, no matter how much I wanted him to. It was just a bait and switch.
You are in normal, healthy relationships all the time- you can't downplay that. Sometimes they don't work out, but them's the chips. At least you have practice. I'm out of the loop.

birdie said...

now enough whining. i'm done with this subject. :)

Chairborne Stranger said...

well i hope you are doing better now!

Josh, Amanda & Kota said...

You are the bomb! You know that! For those of you that don't know Robin and I went to both high school and college together. She is a hottie and has an even more impressive charm to go with it. Your time will come. But as far as being 10 years behind. STD's and pregnancy scares aren't all they are cracked up to be.=) Besides it sounds like you are getting things together these days. Hang in there darlin!