Monday, January 30, 2006

Oh, Dante... You Old Devil.

In the ten minute breaks I am allotted twice a day in my new position of Ass Wiping Specialist, it's quite hard to churn out any amusing or anecdotal stories that might amuse you, the reader or even me, The Freaking Author.

Because I have officially entered into the fifth circle of hell, the area of hell reserved especially for Ass Wiping Specialists.

Oh, you thought the fifth circle was where the wrathful and sullen were punished?

WELL YOU WOULD BE RIGHT, MY FRIEND.

I am BOTH wrathful and sullen. A combination- and quality, I might add- needed to continue working as an Ass Wiping Specialist. Because one cannot be gay and lighthearted when working as an Ass Wiping Specialist. One cannot be joyous or exuberant while working as an Ass Wiping Specialist.

One can, however, BE GRUMPY AND VENGEFUL when working as, YOU GUESSED IT, an Ass Wiping Specialist.

I have spent the past nine business day attached via a black umbilical cord to the world of the Ass Wiping Specialists. It's been enlightening, to say the least.

AND IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME THAT IT'S NOT THAT BAD AND I COULD CERTAINLY PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE THEN I WILL STAB THEM IN THE EYE.

10 comments:

meghansdiscontent said...

If THIS is your new behavior, I'm uninviting you to the Superbowl Shindig.

:)

And it IS that bad. But at least you get to listen to the women in your department tell off the debtors. Your stories were cracking me up at dinner.

Speaking of, did you make a decision?? Because I really think we need to rethink this living situation thingee . . .

Drunken Chud said...

wow... wiping an ass while sullen and vengeful... that's a recipe for humor. "he doesn't know it, but birdie has just replaced his toilet paper with 80 grit sandpaper. lets see the reaction." now THAT would be funny.

and just cuz i have one too many eyes, "IT'S NOT THAT BAD AND YOU COULD CERTAINLY PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE". sorry, it was there, if i hadn't done it, i wouldn't feel whole.

Carl from L.A. said...

I guess you are no longer mildly cranky, Birdie. Now you are REALLY cranky.

(running for cover)

trueborn said...

Vent Birdie vent.
Destroy all those who oppose you!
Scatter their bones to the wind. Especially those fuckers you work with, yes I hope they read this comment and go buy a dildo so that they can go fuck themselves.
I liked the old Birdie, the one who had humorous stories about her demonspawn and lovely twisted tales about her boys and men.
This umbilical, you must sever it my dear, tell all these bastards to take a flying leap off the plank before they get a size 12 boot planted in their ass by yours truly.

Johan Jordaan said...

It's not that bad.

the belligerent intellectual said...

I always thought you basically just started in the front and, in one smooth motion, wiped to the back. But now that I know there are actual experts in it, I'm beginning to think I've overestimated my abilities.

Coyote Mike said...

Your job is evil. You have every right to grump. And I'll send you a bottle of chilled vodka to ease the heat of hell :D

Coyote Mike said...

Oh, and I added you to my list of irregulars.

Jenni said...

The fifth circle of hell...sometimes I think it's stretches as far as north Georgia!

Oswald Croll said...

When in Hell, do as Milton advises.....RULE!!! That is what revolutions are for. If that doesn't work.... try cherry bombs in the toilets.