Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I Got A Bite On My Line. But I Threw That Bitch Back.

Every now and again I'm suffused with the urge to go out and play. With people my own age. In a setting where alcohol and generic fried food are served in quantity, not quality. And where all the single people pretend that they're really and truly there to hang out with their friends. But not to discuss the eye candy. No. They're there to hang out with their friends. Totally.

So Saturday night I found myself sitting at a slightly sticky table surrounded by two of my most fabulous friends at, take a deep breath now, THE BOWLING ALLEY. Not just any bowling alley, THE BIG ONE OUTSIDE OF TOWN WHERE THEY HAVE A BAR, YES, A BAR, AT THE BACK OF THE BUILDING.

A bar where, I might add, we were getting free drinks.

Because my friend Meghan had made flirty eyes with the bartender on her last two visits and Renee' was being a dirty rotten player and had been ignoring the phone calls of the door-checker-inner-person.*

*Why she had given her number to the door-checker-inner-person I HAVE NO IDEA. I mean, though slightly attractive, he is a) younger b) country and c) he has a heavy forehead, which makes me think of him as Josh, The Cro-Magnon Man.

So in an effort to win more of Renee's favor and because Meghan has big ol' flirty eyes, we were hand-delivered a veritable plethora of tasty delights. For free.

Just in case you missed that last part:

FOR FREE.

Between the three of us, we consumed four Long Islands, three Crown-n-Cokes and three Leg Spreaders. Drinks that were served to us in Big Gulp format. Cups the SIZE OF YOUR HEAD, I tell you.

Besides the free drinks we were voraciously throwing back, we were also voraciously decimating the VERY FRIGHTENING PERSONAGES who had decided to spend their evening at the bowling alley bar. This includes the lank-haired woman in the camo jacket, missing portions of all, yes ALL, of her teeth. A poster child for meth if I ever saw one. Along with Camy the Camo-wearer, we had Betty and Sally, The Permed Friends, directly to our left. These girls were prime examples of WHY NOT to listen your friends when they tell you that perms are bitchin and they make your face look thinner. When in fact perms are NOT bitchin and they make your face look like a puffy bowl of ricotta cheese. Again, a prime example of how two moderately attractive women-friends can spin themselves into the Whirlpool of Death By Way Of Bad Fashion Choices. IF YOUR FRIEND LOOKS HEINOUS, TELL HER.

After a bit, and enlivened as we were by copious amounts of alcohol, we decided a turn on the combo karaoke/dance floor was long past over due. So the three of us sashayed to middle of the floor and proceeded to shadow-booty dance for ONE WHOLE ENTIRE SONG. And then we were tired so we sat down.

But apparently, in my sashaying and shadow-booty dancing, I had attracted the attention of a Young Male Thing. One who was, quite honestly, not too terrible looking. In fact, one could even go so far as to give him an 'acceptable' rating.

My friends, being of the mind that I must bag me a hottie at the bowling alley, did what any moderately intoxicated friends would do. THEY WAIVED HIM OVER. Thankfully, he was in the midst of a gaggle of bowling alley bar-goers and missed the scariness, concentrating as he was on making it to the dance floor.

WHERE HE DANCED LIKE ALL MEN SHOULD DANCE.

Booty shaking- CHECK
Doesn't look stupid- CHECK
Dances with girls without shoving his bits in their booty- CHECK
Does The Running Man only in fun- CHECK

HE'S THIS EVENING'S WINNER!!! DING DING DING DING!

So at that point I made only the appropriate resisting motions when my friends AGAIN called him over, both of them having noticed his eyes staring me down. Which I might have noticed if I'd been staring at anything other than his booty-shaking ass.

There was flirting. And dancing. Maybe a kiss. Or two. (OVER THE COURSE OF 2 HOURS, I'M NOT A BLAZING HUSSY.) There was also a bit of phone number exchanging.

"Can I have your number?"
"Yes, you may have my number."
"Are you testing me"
"With what, your grammar? No."
"No, I meant are you testing me to see if I'm actually going to call you?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
"Because I AM going to call you."
"Okay. Good." <--this was said with a smile. I was not being a curt bitch.
"So when can I call you?"
"Whenever you want."
"So, I could call you five minutes from now?"
"If you want to."
"I'm going to call you in five minutes. Are you going to answer?"
"Yes."
"Good. Keep your phone on."
"I will." <-- more flirtatious smiling. Or what I assume is flirtatious smiling. I could actually look like I'm eating a live animal. I have no idea. But it was my ATTEMPT at flirtatious smiling.

FIVE MINUTES LATER:

"MEGHAN!! HE'S CALLING!! YOU HAVE TO ANSWER IT!"
"Hello? Er, no. This is Meghan. Her friend. She's in the ladies right now. I'll tell her you called though. Yes, I will remember. Yes, she has your number. No, she won't forget. 'Bye now."

TWO HOURS LATER: (I have since left the bowling alley bar and am comfortably residing in my bed with my cats and am making every attempt possible to drift into sleep.)

****loud and incessant phone ringing noise****
"mmashhhgghhhHello?"
"Robin?"
"Hi Jeremy."
"Where am I?"
"Well, honey, I have no idea where you are."
"I fell asleep at the bowling alley."
silence
"You fell asleep at the bowling alley."
"Yeah. Do you know where Mitch is?"
"No, dear, I don't know where Mitch is. And can we go back to how you fell asleep in the bowling alley? You called me five minutes after I watched you LEAVE."
"Well, I was waiting for you in my truck. *pause* I wanted you to follow me home. So we could hang out."
"Uh-huh."
"So is it too late to hang out?"
"Yes, sugar, I'm afraid it's a bit too late to hang out."
"I was trying to stay awake for you but I got tired."
"Uh-huh."
"It was cold out in the truck. *pause* And I got sleepy."
"Yep. We covered that. So, to be clear, you left with your friends only to NOT LEAVE THE PARKING LOT where you subsequently FELL ASLEEP in your TRUCK where you have just now WOKEN UP and are now CALLING ME. To hang out."
"You're such a good dancer. You've got some serious moves."
"Focus for me."
"Oh, yeah, I was waiting for you to come out. I just thought we could hang out some more."
"Honey. I've got to get up in four hours. To go to work. At my second job. I'm tired. It's late. And I'm going to hang up the phone here in just a sec."
"Well, can I call you later?"
"I don't really think that's the best of ideas."
*click*

One would assume that such a frightening display of a lack of social ability would be embarrassing for someone. But no. Not this guy. He was QUITE PROUD of the fact that he had WAITED for me to leave the bowling alley bar. In his truck. Where he fell asleep.

BECAUSE HE IS A GINORMOUS FUCKWAD.

And, I might add, he had the giant cojones to call me AGAIN last night. At 11:24pm.

Freak.

25 comments:

meghansdiscontent said...

Oh God.
It's even funnier the second time.
And you didn't mention Renee getting handcuffed.
Or THE CUTE - he is cute - no, really, he is cute - checker inner boy WATCHING Renee tongue down with "Mitch".
Or the fact that A loves us so much he tries and FAILS to play Pussy Control at least 4 times.

Oh Jayzus.
So Saturday night??? :)

PS - You also forgot to mention Shane's LOVERLY pink polo and acid washed torn jeans.
AND that the permed chicks WORK THERE! Yes, that's right - they ARE bartenders on the off nights.

Hence the reason I made fast friends.
By not lying - but not telling the truth.
Her hair WAS a pretty color - - under that fried chemicalness.
SO now we get free drinks from the chicks too.

trueborn said...

Megs I love ya, but the bowling alley aint always the best place to pick someone up. The gene puddle available is crying out for some Chlorine. Now if you go for free drinks (that seems to happen everywhere w/ you) that's different. But if you're in search of company or dare I say it, a keeper the bowling alley ain't the best choice.

Birdie my dear. I too have had an experience like this, only it was at a Hotel Bar in Jacksonville. The person doing the the smoozing was my good friend Scott who just so happens to be from Little Rock. Lets just say the night ended with a fade to black and I woke up naked with a tie wrapped around my head like I was Rambo next to someone I barely knew
Thank God I didn't wake up with a tatoo.
Oh wait I guess that isn't like your night at all.
Mea Culpa

Prego said...

Wow. What do you get when you cross a Journey song with a Farrelly Brothers script...?

Judging by your photograph, you're worth the wait, but Cletus seems to have eschewed dignity and common sense for a desperate attempt at a three pointer.

I'm trespassing via Hubris & Hate. I hope you don't mind. I dig your style.

Love,
p

~A~ said...

I stumbled in from FuquaRob and I just had to comment that I had a very large chuckle on sleepyboy. OMG thank you so much for reminding me that being married isn't so bad because I don't have to deal with them anymore. ;)

Annathy said...

oh birdie, he sounds like the cute puppy that someone fed and now followed them home.

i so don't know how i would handle dating again, i've been married forever. i fed my puppy home baked cookies 11 years ago and he has never left.

you are so courageous! remember, men have to be trained. :)

Jenni said...

Birdie, I understand. I have come across my fair share of men whose good looks thinly disguise their weirdness.
BTW: "more flirtatious smiling. Or what I assume is flirtatious smiling. I could actually look like I'm eating a live animal. I have no idea. But it was my ATTEMPT at flirtatious smiling."

That is a helluva hilarious way to put it!!!

meghansdiscontent said...

She was flirtatious smiling.
We were proud of her.
It happens so rarely!

Trueborn - angel, I am MORE than aware that the bowling alley/bar is NOT the place to be trolling for marriageable men. I go there for the free drinks and hilarity only. ONLY.

Though, if all is right with the world, we may be re-attending this weekend. Birdie and I need more free drinks.

I'm sorry, did you miss the word F-R-E-E??

And you're right, True, I do get free drinks almost everywhere. But it's because, as Birdie put it, I have big ole flirty eyes. It's like Betty Davis eyes but without the scariness.

meghansdiscontent said...

SPEAKING OF --

Damnit BIRDIE!
I count on you to STOP me from doing stupid things.

A. informed me last night that at one point I removed my undershirt.

You know, the cami under the sweater that is cut down to my damn navel.

UMMMMM . ... DID THIS HAPPEN?? IN THE BAR???? WHAT??????

Yes, the drinks were gi-fricken-normous, but enough to strip myself down??

And why didn't YOU remind me of this fact? Why did A. have to tell me while guilt trippin me for missing his birthday??

Chris said...

Oh my, sounds like you ladies had a good time. I can not believe that he called you back a few days later. Actually, I can not believe that he called you 5 minutes after he left. So are all of your men that you attract this...audacious to keep calling even after told not to?

Rolligun said...

That was extremely funny!!!

I try to look for the bad in meghan, but I have come to trust her judgement, she channeled me over her and was completely right.

That's worth a second read, maybe a third. Uh oh, I think I might be starting to sound like the guy who couldn't stop calling.

Coyote Mike said...

Just visiting from Meggypants's place. You do know that she is probably the one who told the guy to wait for you and call lots of times. She will deny this, but you know it is the sort of thing she would do.

Jacques Roux said...

I'll let it go that you've presumptuously elevated your readership-share, if only for your extremely good sense in shutting that ass-neck down cold when he'd clearly overstepped his bounds by 1) calling after he'd awakened in his cold, cold truck, (can I double under-score "truck"?), and 2) obviously trying to play with someone WAY out of his league.

Better luck next time.

Re: quitting smoking, I'm close to the one year mark (347 days to be exact).

Drunken Chud said...

another reader from megdala's site... and i have to say you have me in tears. i was laughing so hard, i think i may have just shit my computer chair. i wish i lived near you guys, cuz you girls sound like you can party, and lord knows if there's one thing this chud loves to do, it's party. and pass out in my truck. and call at all hours. (ok, the calling at all hours, yeah, i do that. i am a serial drunk dialer). anyhow, loved the post.

sqg said...

Bowling alley huh?

LOL! Go get'm girls!

Adam said...

Young lady, you are a master story tellerer without peer.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

OHMYGAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More proof that some guys just have NO respect for girls and think that you would actually come find him in his truck and give him some??? What an idiot!!!!!!!!! It's so appalling and insulting when a guy thinks you have his same mindset when you flirt with him. I'm insulted for you. Then to drunkenly call you later and admit this to you. At least PRETEND not to be sleazy. Contrary to what he may believe, not all women are hookers.
You said everything that needed to be said about perms. I was glad you said it.
The bowling alleys in Maryland don't have bars that people hang out in. Not that I know of. I mean they serve beer but at the same snack counter everyone goes to.
And Meghie you crack me up with your added bits of story. It's just like when I'm standing there with one of my friends telling a story - I'll be all "YOU TELL IT BECAUSE U TELL IT FUNNIER" and then I keep edging in parts in between anyway.
Girls go to a regular bar for free drinks. You know how easy it is. I know you know you won't meet Mr. Right at the bowling alley and the free drinks are great, but you can get the same treatment at the bar and you know thisssssssss man. Although the laughs you get from it all seems to be worth it. I just don't know.

janestarr said...

Nicely handled, kudos for your straight forward termination of Jeremy the "wait in my truck so I can get some bowling alley" kid. Good times, good times.

The Gnat's Trumpet said...

Damn, I always thought the waiting in the truck outside of bar/follow me home routine was a sure winner. Too bad he didn't have a van, he could have invited you to hang out some more right in the parking lot.

Very funny, I can't wait to read about the next trip to the bowling alley (if meghansdiscontent is to be believed).

rob said...

You are never, ever allowed to use the term "fuckwad" or any permutation thereof as a moniker for anyone who calls five minutes after a phone number is acquired.

Acceptable variables are as follows:

-Ass-douche
-Lugubrious fuck tard
-Scrote waxing muppet diver
-German person
-Dumbdumbstupiddumb...butt
-Ted

Fuckwad (and any permutation thereof) is applicable, however, for such gross indecencies as:

-Calling drunk
-Calling at inappropriate hours
-Calling drunk at inappropriate hours
-Owning a truck
-Sleeping in a truck
-Being a German person
-Stalking
-Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time
-Steve

Please monitor and modify any future usage of "fuckwad" (and any permutation thereof) accordingly lest reciprocal legal action be taken.

Litigiously yours,
fuquad!

Pam said...

This is hilarious. It reminds me of my life before marriage, only I was in a pool room: yes, ROOM. Oh technically it was a very VERY local bar, but in reality it was a tiny little room with a pool table in the middle so that when you sat at the bar you were constantly dodging someone's pool stick, having to move your head back to front, left to right to maintain conversation with your girls.

And the frequenters of said establishment were Harley Davidson types. My girlfriends and I....well, let's just say we're not. We're pretty girly. Needless to say, I did not meet my husband there.

While I agree his truck habits are a bit odd, sad and offensive, you did say in your conversation that he could call "whenever you want." Guys from bowling alleys and pool rooms take that seriously - and WILL DO IT. It's happened to me, and on more than one occasion (I was a slow learner, okay?).

Keep writing. I love your blog!! :)

Coyote Mike said...

Is Meghan ok? She has kind of disappeared.

auburn said...

We don't have bowling alleys like that in Oz!

We don't breed the puppies like that in Oz either.
A) They don't call five minutes after getting your number.
B) No matter how much they want your booty.
C) They're all too cool to admit that they waited in their truck for you.
D) They rather stalk from afar.
E) Or just try and shag you in the alley.
F) Yes i'm dramatising.
G) And stereotyping.
H) But that's what the guys do when they assume us girls are up for it anytime, anyplace.
I) No...of course we aren't;)

Great referral from Meg! I need to come out with you girls for some free Long Islands!

trueborn said...

You've been tagged Darlin'

Oswald Croll said...

It started off so well....... what happened?!!!!!!

Men are idiots...well, except for me... and Daniel Craig (he did score the new James Bond job).... and Derek Jeter (sorry, I'm a Yankee fan)... and Peter Griffin..... and Homer Simpson, Bart is off his rocker.

But the rest...dumb.

Os

beachgirl said...

Ok, so I'm a little late... There are NO WORDS, only pure unadulterated laughter!!! You are too funny and fab to boot! I have some great pics of us from NYE's...
Where was this guy NYE anyway? Where were the guys, PERIOD!! We should have gone to the Bowling alley...

Love ya girl!!