Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I've Got My BS in Management

I've never been one for managing the following in an acceptable manner:

*any further words along this vein you would care to add, INSERT HERE

It's been a problem of mine since I was a wee young thing.

When I was 17 I briefly dated - and I use this term loosely - a boy named Justin. His last name eludes me, otherwise I would most certainly print it. It's certainly through no respect of another man's privacy. Especially when said male is a giant douche.

Back in the days-o-highschoolhell Justin and I were set up by a mutual friend and began our short-lived romance via AOL.*

*By the way, there are to be no AOL judgments here. This was 1997 and AOL was how The Teens communicated. It was all fun and innocent until the day I learned what it meant when someone asked you to 'cyber.' But I digress.

Justin and I spent three whole entire weeks chatting via the wonder that is Instant Messenger. Finally, we agreed to meet. And not just any ol' meet, either. We were to have a DATE. A real, live DATE. After three more of these aforementioned Real Live Dates, Justin and I were officially GOING OUT. Oh. My. Gaw. *eyes all aflutter.

Well, we were officially going out until his psycho Notsoex-girlfriend decided to repeatedly Instant Messenger me and threaten my very existence.

After 2 weeks of Teenage Harassment Via AOL, and after I caught Justin lying about paying conjugal visits to The Notsoex, I broke things off with Mr. Bloober.*

*I've assigned Justin the last name of Bloober because it is sufficiently stupid and petty.

So what did I do? Well, I wasn't terribly heartbroken, but I was most definitely pissed. So I planned a bit of revenge on Justin and The Notsoex.

After a consultation with my good buddy Matteo we decided The Notsoex needed a lesson learnt her. So, again via the world of Instant Messenger, Matteo sic'ed his wily charms on the unsuspecting Notsoex, flirting with her mercilessly until she finally agreed to meet with him. Whereby he played her like, well, any string instrument you can happen to think of, and led that ugly horse to water.

Now, I know the saying says that though you may LEAD that horse to water, you certainly can't make him DRINK. But THIS HORSE most definitely wanted to take a drink. In fact, the aforementioned horse's arse, or The Notsoex, was all about taking a deep dive into that body of water. Pelvis first.

And while at first glance Matteo had been proffering that body of water for a big ol gulping drink, well, sometimes that body o water is just a wavering mirage.

In short, and because I've been using too many clich├ęs, Matteo dangled his goodies and then YANKED THAT TASTY MORSEL OUT OF HER GRASP.

And laughed.

Or so I thought.*

*Someone was so about to learn me a valuable life lesson.


Betty said...

That's really nice of your friend to fuck a girl for you. Why do I have a feeling my male friends would do this for me also and call it hate fucking. Funny story.

meghansdiscontent said...
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meghansdiscontent said...
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Carl from L.A. said...

In '97, AOL was how *everybody* communicated on line.

I was just reminiscing last night, while watching The X-Files, how much I missed the good ol X-File chats on AOL where you get 50 people in a room and all of them are real and none of them is creepy. Good times.

meghansdiscontent said...

My PREMO comment was deleted.
Sadness here.
Even though it was deleted for a good reason.

Darn it, Birdie. I hate that you're not anonymous!!

But . . you could still answer the question at the end. Have you heard from Randaloo??

Drunken Chud said...

hehehhehe, the imagery, the similie, the metaphor... and so completely entertaining. well, birdie, if you have any exes with girls up in detroit, and you need me to "teach them a lesson" just gimme their numbers... i would GLADLY do that. for you of course.

Coyote Mike said...

I hate internet dating. I've had my worst dates that way. Including:

A fundamentalist witch.

Another guy's ex-fiance who was still hung up on him.

A girl who had me help her move to vegas, then never spoke to me again.

A girlfriend who wanted to talk about weddings after 3 months of dating.

A Christian Nymphomaniac.

Two suicidal girls, who oddly enough live within about 100 miles of each other now that I think of it.

and many, many (shudders) others.

Jenni said...

Ahhhh, the good 'ol AOL instant messenger days. *Smiling/reminising*

Glad they're over.

Barry S. said...

Au contraire, jenni, the Good 'ol days are not completely over. Teens and tweens still instant message ad nauseum!

Matteo must be a good friend, robin! Never would I be THAT much of a wingman.

meghansdiscontent said...

Be nice!
Adults still instant message, too, guys!!!
Just not via AOL.
Heaven help us all.

Birdie, at one point RECENTLY was a hell of a Yahoo messenger.
And I'm still present on Yahoo and MSN.

Wow, is it possible for me to appear MORE of a loser than I already do??? Would it help if I assured you ALL that I have a very fulfilling REAL life??


Drunken Chud said...

don't fret megs... i'm permanantly logged into AIM and Yahoo. i am constantly IM-ing... when i'm at the computer of course. i don't have mobile IM, cuz that's just unnecessary. heh.

Jacques Roux said...

nice cliffhanger. Can't wait for the next installment.

the belligerent intellectual said...

e-romance, e-betrayal and e-revenge. It's internetastic!

Witelion said...

Yeah Matteo is the man. I would have to say Matteo, Birdie and I have been on a few fun adventures. *Memories* =)

PJ said...

Hi Birdie!! I've been reading your posts for a while now but have neglected to introduce myself. You and Meg are great and I love reading your stuff.

I was faux tagged by you some weeks ago and neglected to tell you i'd posted my responses. They're up now if you care to see, along with some pics of Australia, where I'm living at the mo.

Stop by and visit sometime! :)