Friday, April 21, 2006

I Have An Ulcer In My Mouth

Q: Are the rumors true that Robin has a third nipple?- Coyote Mike
A: Wasn’t aware there were rumors but I’d appreciate it if whoever started them could be lightly beaten with small, toothy woodland creatures. Thanks. I’m very sensitive about such things.

Q: Where did you two go to college and what did you study and is she as fascinating in person? – Carl from L.A.
A: We both went to the University of Central Arkansas and are Honors College alumni. I majored in Telecommunications w/ a minor in Honors Interdisciplinary Studies while Brittany was a vomitous overachiever and double majored in Speech Language Pathology/Psychology and double minored in Creative Writing/Honors Interdisciplinary Studies. Until I asked her last night I was completely unaware that she was a doubleupper. I can be excused from knowing this as I worked full-time for the majority of college, hence excluding me from various bits of knowledge up to and including the whole double major scenario and her favorite flavor of jell-o. And I am totally not fascinating in person. I go to work with wet hair almost every day, I drink a Diet Dr. Pepper for breakfast, my favorite food is cheetos, I tell horrible and long-winded stories and all the items on my desk are lined up perfectly. I give heinous first impressions and I wear lots of bracelets. I get nervous on the phone with boys and talk super-fast and laugh my weird girl-laugh and usually make not one lick of sense. Though I am SUPER flattered that someone thinks so.

Q: If Robin won a million dollars, what would she do with it? – Jenni
A: Since I’m capped off at a million we’d have to assume slightly less than half go to taxes, leaving me about 650-thou. I’m thinking I’ll hire a landscaper for my parents 26-acre property, refinish their deck, give my mother new countertops, buy my dad a new truck, build my mom an art studio with lots of windows, pay off my car, pay off my debt, buy a small house with wood floors, take a trip to Switzerland and buy myself a cabana boy named Paco who performs various and sundry duties.

Q: Dear Abby, what’s her other strong points besides writing so eloquently?- Texas Roxy
A: I open a mean can of asparagus, I can aim the squirting water bottle at my demonspawn with a successful water-hit up to 30 feet away and I have wicked nice teeth.

Q: How tall is Robin? – Pam
A: I am five foot seven inches, exactly. Not even a millimeter above or below. Well, maybe one.

Q: Robin, what does Brittany look like naked? – anon
A: I’m only assuming here, but are you by chance infected with Mad Cow Disease?

Q: What is Robin’s medical history? Has she ever contracted an exotic disease? Visceral Leishmaniasis? Rabies? Malaria? Whooping Cough? Polio? Tuberculosis? Mononucleosis? Osteoporosis? Any osis? – anon
A: I totally got mono my sophomore year thanks to a slutty fellow counselor at the summer camp I worked at- but he was totally hot and drove a bitchin Camaro so that makes my SIX MONTHS SPENT IN BED TOTALLY WORTH IT. I should have ixnayed his ass when I found out he drove a red Camaro. I distinctly remember a time about 2 months into my bout with the dreaded kissing disease when the elevator was broken and I had to take three flights of stairs to my dorm room. By the time I got through the first flight I was panting. By the second flight I was near the passing-out stage and had to sit on the top step for TWENTY MINUTES until I thought my shaking legs could hold me up. I don’t even remember walking in my room but I woke up ten hours later face down on my dorm bed. Fully clothed, thankfully.

Q: If Robin was an animal/book/murder weapon which ones would she be? Also, what’s her telephone number? – The Belligerent Intellectual
A: If I were an animal I’d be an alligator because HOW COOL would it be to have snappers like that? If I were a book I’d have to be a new one because I totally judge books by their cover and can always find fault with a design so I’d probably have to with a book about star crossed lovers (oh, the cheese) and have the cover be a brilliant cerulean blue with a warm chocolate brown one-inch edging and a tiny metallic gold star (because YOU get a gold star!) in the center. If I were a murder weapon I’d have to go with a tea cup because you KNOW someone can fuck your shit up if they kill you with a tea cup.

Q: Does Robin like fat guys?-Drunken Chud
A: How obese are we talking here? There will be no slapping of the fat and riding the wave in.

Q: Has Robin ever had a lesbian experience? – Drunken Chud
A: Besides the spin the bottle kiss I shared with some fellow college graduates, no. Pussy totally skeeves me out.

Q: If some catastrophe were to strike and Robin could only bring 4 things with her, any 4 things, her possessions or someone else’s, what would she take to live out her days in the wilderness- Drunken Chud
A: A supersize box of chapstick, a harpoon gun, a plastic covered and sealed queen size mattress (for sleeping and river traversing) and a tarp.


Carl from L.A. said...

Intelligence is such a turn-on.

I recently rediscovered Cheetos and am now semi-addicted to it.

Can we make this "Questions from the audience" a regular feature?

Coyote Mike said...

I'm sure it was chud who started the nipple rumor

Drunken Chud said...

wow... you and brit are teh s-m-r-t. but then, we all knew that by simply reading what you and her write.

it's cool that the first things on your list of people to spend money aren't you. i would be greedy as shit. spend it all on me, then the folks as an afterthought.

oooh... 5'7...

damn... so many great answers, so many things learned. thanks for the insight.

tamtam said...

i loved your answer to the lesbian experience, i was laughing out loud and i would have to agree, it's pretty skeevy

Faltenin said...

Hmmm... Interesting insights...

I note you don't actually answer the 3rd nipple question!


colter said...

Maybe I'm just easily impressed, but I heart people who use the word "cerulean." Ironically, I also loathe the phrase "I heart..." but I didn't want to say "love" because I only just stumbled over this blog today and you may turn out to be a complete and utter boor, although I doubt it because Cheetos give everyone magical powers and prevent lameness, whilst simultaneously causing cancer in laboratory mice. For everything you gain, you lose something. That's my motto.

Jenni said...

You are super generous to your parents. That is waaaay sweet.