Thursday, April 06, 2006

I Joined The Band To Get Out Of P.E.

Twenty minutes until I go home and I’m so tired I could easily crawl under my desk and sleep until morning.  Maybe it’s the rain or the cloudy skies or the gradual polarity shift scientists say is happening or perhaps even my body is so in tune with le nature that I can sense the slowly depleting ozone layer and my body is offering itself up as retribution for the sins committed by mankind.  And if YOUR body was offering itself up to the Ozone Gods then you too would be ridiculously tired. 

Also, my left buttock hurts.  Don’t ask me why because I couldn’t tell you.  Even though my body was offered up to the Ozone Gods they declined the left buttock, instinctually knowing it was malformed and because of this rejection my left buttock has taken to sulking. Which has manifested itself by way of strange pains.

I’m so glad this is making sense to someone BESIDES ME. 

In preparation for this weekend I’m doing nothing because I have to be on my best behavior.  Brittany and I are going to Fayetteville (spelled right? how sad. this is a large city in my current state of residence and I can’t even be bothered to spell check it.) and as I have never been there I’m strangely excited.  Not strangely as in the first two paragraphs strangely but strangely as in this is a college town with a bar-lined street named after the offspring of a male appendage (Dickson) strangely.  We talk constantly, her and I, of taking weekend trips to somewhere, anywhere, over the rainbow.  This life sometimes gets so monotonous that only a little road trip will clear the air.  But now, after two weeks of having her heart broken (I am not allowed to break the heartbreakers knees because she still *retch* loves him and HE seems to think he has another side to the story.  To which I say Who Cares because you suck and can’t make up your mind and lie by omission which makes you a Vagina.  And not the good kind, either.  Obviously I’m expressing the full range of my maturity, she is my friend, leave me be.) as well as just a few days after hearing the words “kidney” and “failure” in the same breath and from someone we may as well concede would know about such things as he is a medical doctor and all.  So in an attempt to distract from broken hearts and failing kidneys we’ve decided to force her liver into shock because really, WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO? Take medication? Eat healthy? Meh.  Obviously our solution of is way better than that. 

Again, I am kidding.  I don’t drink that much – anymore—and neither does Brittany. And killing one’s liver is never a good response to anything.  Much like breaking someone’s knees is not a good response due to that pesky jail time and possible broom raping from Big Joanne in the cell next door. 

 

 

12 comments:

Carl from L.A. said...

If I were you I'd take the left buttock back and trade it for one that's acceptable to the Ozone Gods. I mean, wasn't it on the warranty??

Hey, be nice to Big Joanne!

Coyote Mike said...

I want a friend like you :(

Jacques Roux said...

I beg to differ, my dear girl. A full frontal assault on one's liver is, quite often, not only an acceptable, but in fact, preferable solution to many of life's little obstacles. Screw what society or the whiny-assed do-gooders say. Go for broke! Show that liver that you mean business. Hell, just look at what you (or your friend in this case) did to the kidney when it didn't want to play ball.

Faltenin said...

Dickson. LOL. In China I came across a "Dongsymen street". Maybe they're related.

As for Britt, I'm worried that she's paying too much attention to her heart and not enough to her kidneys. (hello Britt).

I like the Ozone Gods! Protecting us from Ra's wrath...

Drunken Chud said...

hehehehe, broom rape. not as funny in actuality as it is in my mind. i picture the straw end going in first. hehehehe.

and i agree with jaques... liver death is a perfectly acceptable coping mechanism.

rob said...

...this is a college town with a bar-lined street named after the offspring of a male appendage (Dickson) strangely.

Before I read "Dickson", my mind had already decided that it was "Cockspawn".

I like my version of Fayetteville better.

Carl V. said...

A road trip can often be the cure to all that ails. Hope you both have a relaxing, wonderful time.

meghansdiscontent said...

Two words:

Poo Water.

Texas Roxy said...

I love calling men Vagina's. Heehee!

Anonymous Assclown said...

Alas, you have done all there is for a friend that you can do - which of course is to threaten physical violence against the cockass that hurt her. You have to leave it up to her as to accept your offer or not.
But if she does, please consider targeting his Achilles tendon rather than his kneecaps - much more permanent and painful.

rob said...

I sure hope they didn't...you know...kill you and stuff in Fayetteville.

That wouldn't be very spiffy.

Highly un-spiff.

Barry S. said...

Dicksons, vaginas, and left buttocks all in one post? You are truly a master.

Plus, good job wrapping it up nicely with the broom raping comment. Nice.

Hope the weekend was fun!