Thursday, May 25, 2006

Sins of the Speeder

This evening I came home from work and realized I didn't have the monetary resources available to fund my dinner, thanks to my pesky driving habits, and for a good twenty minutes I ensconced myself in my yellow chair and sulked. Because I really wanted sushi.

After my allotted sulking time was complete, I wandered into the kitchen intent upon finding something of edible quality lurking within my cupboards. I didn't even open the refrigerator because I already knew exactly what was behind that off-white door: Three half-empty bottles of juice, a tub of butter, mustard, a package of frighteningly old cream cheese and a four month old apple. My cupboards weren't much better, yielding only rice, green chiles, asparagus, corn and a nine month old box of strawberry cheesecake Slim-Fast bars I bought on one of my attempts to become less 'round' and more 'svelte.' But the thing about labeling something as cheesecake when it is, in fact, a diet aid is that that no matter which way you bite it, it all tastes like congealed ass secretion with a pretty white coating of faux-chocolate. So really, my only choices were rice and asparagus.

I pulled out the pans I haven't used since my mother last came to visit and placed then on the stove, pats of butter in each one. As I was heating up the skillet for the asparagus it dawned on me that if I had a suspected mouse-friend in THAT cabinet then it was entirely possible that I had a mouse friend in THIS HERE cabinet and that I may want to reconsider cooking my food in said pans prior to disinfecting them with industrial strength Lysol and a tub full of bleach.

After pouring the already sizzling butter down the drain and scouring all surfaces of the pans with steaming hot water and antibacterial soap, I deemed my pans to be mouse-poop-germ free and resumed my cooking exercises. I steamed the rice to perfect fluffiness and warmed up that canned asparagus, touches of dill and red pepper in each, and then placed them on my shiny white plate where I ate at my shiny black table with my shiny silver utensils.

Overall, I give my meal a 4. Two points deducted for lack of protein, another two for still being paranoid about the mouse poop and two more for having to wash the fucking dishes when I was done.

3 comments:

Coyote Mike said...

I always wondered what the actual acceptable amount of mouse and rat poop in cereal is.

Carl from L.A. said...

I HATE "health foods".

No fake turkeys, no fake strawberry cheesecake, no fake chocolate, no fake burgers. You know that stuff called tofurkey? Gross!

I mean if you are going on a diet, then don't eat fake versions of food that you are not suppose to eat. Who are we kidding?

* * *

I love sushi too. I love it to a point where I've learned to make it, because restaurants always charge you an arm and a leg for something that you can buy at the market, bring it home and cut it yourself.

* * *

Back when I was single and unattached, I had an empty fridge and an empty pantry also. These days when I run a family with budget constraints, I cook so much to a point where we would actually use up things like cartons of salt or box of corn starch which, back in the days, was unfathomable.

birdie said...

really? you can use up a box of corn starch?
you know... i don't think i even know what corn starch is, much less what one would do with it. so i applaud your mad cooking skills!