Sunday, November 28, 2004

Excuses, Excuses

So... I haven't been the best of employees lately. Yeeeeeah. I haven't made it in for the past three days. And each day I've gotten up, found clothes to wear and sometimes even gotten in my car. Only to be distracted by the Baskin Robbins down the street... or the coffee shop that's WAY out of my way... or the oh-so-pleasant voices in my head.

So anyway. I thought I would compile actual excuses that I've tried to convince myself to use these past three (deliciously unproductive) days:

1) I set my car on fire.
DAMN. Who can argue with that. No one knows what kind of car I drive at work. I could SO have pulled that one off. I even had this elaborate story about how the cherry from my ciggy flew in the car window while I was saying goodbye to my aunt, setting the papers (including my work schedule) on fire. By the time I paid attention, the whole seat was on fire and the headliner... just ruined. I had no choice but to stay in San Angelo to get a new headliner installed and a new seat cover...

2) We checked my brother into rehab.
Who can argue with family trauma? I didn't think I'd be tipping the karma scales too much on that one seeing as how it involved no actual death and destruction. My boss has even overheard comments concerning my perpetually hung-over brother, so it would have been TOTALLY believable.

3) I've got lice.
I think it's always best to have some truth in your lies. This story involved my cousin-in-law Sheri. She's a tireless social worker who just happened to pick up a crack-baby infested with lice. (This story actually happened, though the lice never came within 60 miles of me. I want NOTHING TO DO with bugs in my shit.) Now, after hugs and kisses, the whole family has a raging case of the critters. You'd never want me to inadvertently give some poor unsuspecting customer an itchy little bugger, now would ya?

and 4) --and this one's nasty-- explosive diarrhea.
Had a lot to eat this Thanksgiving... and low and behold, my aunt put something real shady in her gravy and now the whole family is just on last legs. Sympathy quotient: making a multi-hour drive with 2 cats (who also had some of that shady gravy) and a month's supply of Pepto. From personal experience (with cat shit and cars, not human shit and cars) that smell NEVER comes out.) Granted, this excuse is possibly the lamest of all. But I'm absolutely POSITIVE it woulda worked.

Ugh. Ok, I'm seriously gonna try and go to work tomorrow.

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