Friday, November 26, 2004

Home for the Holidays

So I've just returned home to a but-ass cold house, a dishwasher I forgot to turn on and the mound of dirty clothes I left in the hamper.

Granted, I left a mere two days ago... but it's like my house forgot I existed.

Moving along.... Thanksgiving was grand. Fabulous. Super.


I think we need a cast of characters for this years Thanksgiving (which was highly out of the ordinary as it usually just my parents, myself and my brother with the occasional visit from one - never both- of the grandmothers.)

Aunt Vicki: loud, smoker, funny, neat freak-- She's one of those relatives you really enjoy seeing but you thank God you won the genetic lottery and didn't end up as her daughter.

Uncle Rex: Vicki's 2nd husband. (first husband died when she was eighteen. yup, Vicki got married at 15.) also loud, non-smoker, very politically uncorrect-- I believe the words "towel-head" "slanty-eyed" and "damn mesicans" were used with abundance. Makes a lot of money and keeps Vicki... and their children... in the manner to which they've become accustomed.

Cousin Ashley: Vicki's son by first marriage. Bought a chicken farm in Hope, AR, after working for his dad, working as a fireman, being in the national guard and a disastrous first marriage to a woman who left him a 'dear john' letter on the fridge. Married his high school sweetheart from Mobile, AL after divorce.

Cousin-in-law Sheri: Ashely's wife: Was a social worker until the really fun incident with a crack-baby and some lice. Got her masters, now teaches somewhere in Hope and helps Ashely run the chicken farm.

Cousin Amanda: Vicki and Rex's daugher. Just got laid off from her job... along with about 30 others. Had just moved to Florida to scope out the "man scene." Always ends up with millionaire men... Though her first husband (and only one so far-- though there are 3 ex-fiancee's) was a bit of a douche and didn't have a lot of dough. Very fun girl... though you gotta wonder about her mental stability with a mother like Vicki... who disowned her after her first marriage but let her back in once she was divorced. And she spent a lot of time in boarding school. That'll warp ya.

Maw Maw Silvia: My mother's mother and hence, my grandmother. Gets her feelings hurt quite easily. Have to watch out or she'll start to snivel a bit. But she's a fabulous lady once you get past her ability to make you feel like a four-year-old who just shaved the neighbors cat. You can't help but love her, though.

Gramma: My dad's mother and my grandmother. Arrived with the lady that stays with her at nights to make sure she doesn't fall or trip or choke or die or need a glass of water. Losing most of her teeth due to her unwillingness to go to the dentist (had a bad experience once where the dentist dropped the tooth he was extracting down her throat.) Soooo she can't chew much, can't see what's on her plate to chew and can't really hear you telling her where the food is to pick up and chew as she's sporadically heard of hearing. Hear's you just fine when you're trying to sneak in the pantry and steal a chocolate bar, though.

My brother: Showed up to the table late as he was recovering from a night spent with Jack, Evan and Jim. For you slow folks out there, that's liquor.

Dad: Deep fried six chickens outside in the fryer to avoid... pretty much everyone. Watched the Outdoor Channel with my uncle. Talked about the proper knives one uses when cutting open deer, elk and the like. Showed the pictures of deer heads from recent hunting trip. Displayed newly-tanned deer-hide by placing it over the back of the couch for all to marvel at.

Mom: Slaved and cooked and slaved and cooked and tried her damndest to make sure everyone was happy and warm and normal and for the most part kept the 'undiscussable subjects' off the floor. These include, but are not limited to: racial slurs, excessive use of the word 'fuck', democrats, military action, guns, gutting deer, and gays/lesbians.

Unlike Faux Thanksgiving it wasn't relaxed and peaceful. But it was fucking hilarious and way more amusing than any other family-get-to-gether I've been a part of in quite some time. I wish I got to see everyone more... though that would take the fun out of conversing with people you really barely know but are --quite strangely-- related to.



meghansdiscontent said...

You have family members that are allowed to say "Fuck" at your gatherings???
I can't imagine the response of ANY of my family members saying "fuck".
It may be the ONLY thing that's off limits.
However, what was NOT off limits, were the endless rude comments by my extended family about my political preferences.
What else was not off limits were comments about my weight gain, my new job with THOSE people, my single lifestyle and my lack of children.
Oh, the holidays.
Must they only last a month???

birdie said...

From where did you think I got my lady-like mouth? And my ability to chain-smoke. And my need to start drinking at 8:30. In the morning. Certainly not from my parents... Straitlaced a bit, they are.
"Fuck" was used by me when I stubbed my toe, my uncle when referring to 'mesicans' and my aunt when referring to me, the disapointment in the family. Yup. I gotta college degree (the only one so far to be had by ANY of the grandchildren) only to work as a Volvo service advisor, be unemployed after using the word 'fuck' in conjection with my boss and then work at Dillard's. Whoo hoo! Good times.