Thursday, November 18, 2004


I've been caught zoning out more and more frequently these past few weeks. My ulcers are back. In full force. And I sleep with the irregularity of a newborn. What THE FUCK is making me crazy?

Well, lots of things really. But few relevant to the current problem. At this point I can either sit down and figure this out or I can buy stock in Rolaids, Tums and NyQuil. So here goes... my very own little therapy session.

First problem (and the easiest to diagnose): This is, in general, a bad time of year. Some may claim to get the holiday blues but I get the holiday grim reaper. Thanksgiving was the last time I saw my grandfather alive five years ago. He died three days after Christmas. I left after the Thanksgiving holiday to finish up my semester at school and came home to a raging case of the flu or some equally destructive sickness. My Grandpa, being elderly and on a downward slide (but a slide that we'd seen him recover from numerous times) was hospitalized and then released. All while I spent my days bemoaning the lack of any "real" Christmas vacation. Christmas day came and went with both my father and I confined to the house in an attempt to keep our sickness away from Grandpa and his failing immune system. Three days later he was dead.
I watched my grandmother's beautiful blue eyes fill up with tears at the wake. She didn't have the sight left to see her husband laid out, covered in powder and in his best suit. Looking nothing like the man I knew. Losing the man she'd known since she was 10 years old and he 13. Most of my grief is now for my grandmother.

2nd problem (again, easy to diagnose): Money doesn't make me happy but paying my bills sure does. Never a dull moment when the 19-year-old bank teller is giving you lessons as well as an admonishing glare about balancing your checkbook. Sweetheart, I'd LOVE to balance my checkbook. But there's not money to BALANCE. Well, if I was to be more concientious about my spending habits, I wouldn't be overdrawn now would I? Well sugar, here's an interesting little tidbit for ya: When mommy and daddy don't pay for your shit anymore and you've got actual BILLS TO PAY, lemme know how that works out for ya. Until then, shut your fucking trap.

3rd problem (easy problem mixed with indefinable problem): My job and soon to be new job. Selling shoes is akin to having a job where one picks scabs off of genital warts. But living in cubicle land surrounded by paperwork... well, that remains to be seen. It pays more, which may help rectify the 2nd problem. Nothing fixes the first problem except for time. And Time is one fickle little bitch. But here's where the indefinable problem kicks in: Did I choose wrong? Fate and Destiny run with the same pack as Time... and all three have their quirks. But there's no voice in my head telling me I made the right choice. Should I have sucked in my fear and made The Leap? It will disapoint my parents... and I will have officially removed myself from the pedastal I've been placed on for years. But do I have a better chance at being happy in EVERY aspect of my life? I want to enjoy my work, my friends and my family. But maybe I'm just asking for too much. Or maybe I should give up some of my control and trust my God to lead me where I'm supposed to go. Or at least to places where I learn. That sounds better. Maybe this isn't the end-all be-all. But I'll make sure I learn something from it.

Slightly calmer now. I doubt the ulcers will go away overnight... and by no means is everything okay. But I think I had forgotten what it was like to give up control. Whatever choice I make will be okay because I will inevitably learn something from it. If I walk away from this new job with nothing more than a better idea of what I don't want to do it will be enough.

Becaue that's farther along than I was before.

1 comment:

Ophelia said...

it's me again. While I dont even know you, i'm intruiged. My granny, like your grandpa died around the holiday time 3 years ago. I also give myself little therapy sessions, but you're best idea, the idea i would go with is giving your God control of your life. I'm trying to accomplish that as well at this time.