Benches and Gavels and Judges, Oh My!

Yesterday afternoon I went to court for my speeding ticket, the one I got after a 17-hour workday and the pleasant surprise of a bottle of bleach exploding in my trunk. The one where the cop stoically requested my license and registration after I asked, incredulously, “Do you not SMELL THAT?” The one where the cop took twenty whole minutes of background checking and ass scratching and shining his super bright spotlight through my back windshield before handing me my ticket. The Mandatory Court Appearance ticket.

Truly, I thought I would go my whole life without having to sit in a courtroom. I mean, I’m not planning on getting married so that negates divorce proceedings. I’m perfectly happy to Live In Sin and host dinner parties in my non-kid-safe home. I plan on having breakable objects just everywhere and sharp corners on coffee tables so that when my friends drop their kids off for visits, they know those kids are in for a good time and possibly a trip to the hospital. I also plan on being Auntie Robin who carries around her special glass of coke, special because my glass of coke is way lighter than your glass of coke due to the special ingredient we’ll just refer to as ‘juice.’

I also have no intention of succumbing to Suburban Bullshit where neighbors call animal control on your cat because it’s not on a fucking leash. Because while I’ll smile at the nice animal control officer and promise to keep my cat inside, don’t think for one second that I won’t set your front lawn on fire in a fit of rage. And if you leave your car unlocked I’ll put raw shrimp under your floor mats. So if by chance you can prove it was me, I’ll be more than happy to write you a check for new car flooring and sod. But go to court, I will not.

But I sure as hell sat in a real live court room yesterday, with real live wooden benches and real live crack whores. I’ve never seen such a conglomeration of scariness in one building, especially the docket of folks there for multiple DWI charges. Could you NOT have worn something clean to court? Seriously? It was so bad the judge actually congratulated a young man on wearing a tie and gave the kid probation. Personally, I felt overdressed in my black-slacks-purple-top-I-came-straight-from-work attire. But being overdressed did not stop my nervousness when I stepped up to the slightly sticky oak podium and had to utter the following, in my Very Contrite Voice:

“I plead guilty, your honor.”

The judge didn’t so much as look up, he just offered me probation in the kind of bored tone that lets you know he is unimpressed with your outfit, your Contrite Voice and that he is most definitely unimpressed with you driving 22 miles over the speed limit. But then the pursed lip bitch to his right had to go and pop up with a ‘But she had a speeding ticket in 2004.’

Yes, thank you, you giant Cuntbag, I appreciate you bringing that up.

But the judge was more bored with this than I thought and just looked at me, told me not to get any more tickets and banged his gavel.

It was then that the word diarrhea took over.

“Um, your honor? It’s just that I sort of already got another ticket, two weeks ago, so I’m not sure how well that probation is going to work out for me.”

I could hear all the crackwhores behind me twitter and giggle and if I’d been in another situation, I’d have turned around and hissed at them. About that same time I realized that the bored demeanor Mr. Judge was sporting was not really indicative of his actually boredness because his head did a very nice owl-snap and his eyeballs, they made full and direct contact with my own slightly surprised ones.

“You got another ticket?”
“Er, yes, your honor. But this one was Little Rock police, not state police. And I’m really sorry about that and it was only 15 over, not 22, like this one. But I’m really sorry and that one from 2004 was in Texas where they drop the speed limit at night and I didn’t realize it and so really I was only going 7 over what I thought was the speed limit and this new one is 15 over, which is bad, I know, and I’m really sorry but I swear I’m-
“Yes, you’re sorry. We covered that.”
Silence.
More direct eye contact.
“I have to say I’m very impressed with your candidness.”
“Thank you, your honor.”
“You didn’t have to be honest about that ticket.”
“No, your honor.”
“Not that I’m rewarding honesty in a courtroom.”
“No, your honor.”
“And you understand that I’m definitely not rewarding you for being honest?”
“Yes, your honor.”
“So if I offered you community service, would you take it?”
“Whatever you deem appropriate, your honor.”
“Very good answer. I’m giving you one day of defensive driving school and 24 hours of community service under the assumption that I will not see you back here within six months.”
“No, er, yes, um, no you won’t see me back here and yes, um, thank you, your honor.”

He gave me one brisk nod, signed my slip and turned his attention to the next guy in line. I was ushered through three sets of double doors where I wrote a $100 check for a ‘probation monitoring’ fee, picked my driving school location and chose the Pulaski County Animal Shelter as my chosen locale for community service.

Now I just have to figure out how to get my cop-sense back. Because there is no way in hell I’m going through that again. The other option would be to slow the fuck down but me, I live dangerously. What can I say.

Crispy

Last night I went to a writing group which completely filled my nerdish needs for bookish individuals who spend their free time pursuing activities like photography and music and yoga and the selection of festively named beer.  I wrote strange rhyming phrases about mold and skittering feet and penned passages concerning our chosen topics of sleep and fear.  I wrote down a succession of words that began with Lemon Drop and ended with Lichtenstein, though rest assured there were other words in my list that didn’t begin with ‘L,’ such as orangutan. I ate a chocolate chip cookie that was crumbly and delicious and confessed to my obsession with bleaching sheets and how I’d lusted after an ironing machine in Williams-Sonoma that professed to quickly and easily press the largest of sheets and cloths, no creases involved. 

At the end of the evening I realized I’d spent two and a half hours in a small room with three people I’d never met before and not once wanted to stab any of them in the eye.  Not once.  Not even a wee bit.

This is quite the accomplishment for me.   

 

Good Times, They Roll

Normally I try and cram as much as possible into my lunch hour. Grocery shopping, bank deposit, post office- check, check and check. Such was this afternoon’s laundry list of duties when I stepped into my notso shiny black car and sped out of the parking lot, barely missing the bitch in the silver Camry who was dead-set against waiting her turn for parking-lot leaving rights.
I was in a hurry because today’s lunch was already a guaranteed tight one, seeing as how I’d added in a stop at the tanning salon in addition to my bank and grocery stops. You can laugh all you want about the tanning bit. I tan on average of six times a year which, by my calculations, gives my skin cells ample time to replenish themselves. That or I’m just speeding up the already genetic inevitability of cancerous pustules on my dermis, and who doesn’t need a little cancerous pustule? Exactly.
But the tanning was a distinct necessity as I’m celebrating the birthday of a friend of mine this weekend and the birthday celebrations involve an all-day trip to a waterpark. I feel confident in saying that should the public have to look at your un-toned ass, you should at least give them the courtesy of not displaying an un-toned pasty ass. This same level of courtesy should be extended to people in the next stall over by not talking on your cell phone while you drop last night’s Mexican food into the porcelain bowl. But The Public At Large seems to disregard these common courtesies and while I could be a vindictive slut against The Public by smathering my pasty self with blue body glitter or by making grotesque noises so the person in the stall next to me feels compelled to shut off their phone and hence, their mouth, I will not stoop to such levels. I have standards. And what if they thought my make-believe noises were real?
So after I sped through the bank line and stopped into Kroger for some insta-oatmeal and granola bars I drove across the street to the tanning salon. My first visit there I am usually nervous and intimidated by all of the petite and skinny and well, quite obviously, tan young girls who barely have the energy to raise their heavy eyelids from their Cosmo GIRL! and check me into a room. But by the second visit I normally realize that while these girls are the epitome of what I am theoretically supposed to look like, let’s face it, most of them are between the ages 17 and 25 with little to no job prospects, unless someone out there knows of a place that’s looking for Bored and Ambivalent girls who definitely can’t spell Ambivalent but who look great in a bikini. Also, my daddy didn’t buy my Lexus sitting out front and my tits, they’re real.
So I checked into room 4, a room I’ve strangely never been in but as all the rooms look exactly the same it didn’t register much in the ol’ noggin. So I took off my clothes, poured on the tanning lotion that purports to be a Supreme Tanning Booster and Instant Brozeifier and laid down on the cold plastic surface, placing the wee goggles over my eyelids.
Six minutes later my time is up and I quickly lift up the coffin-like lid only to be greeted by a very bright and very large rush of sunlight. I actually paused for about two seconds, just enough time for me to stand completely stupefied and mutter the phrase “holy fucking shit on a stick.” I then lunged for the wide open door and slammed it shut.
It was in that moment that I realized I had definitely forgotten to lock the door.
And that I’d just treated a gaggle of giggling girls to a full frontal shot.
And that I’m definitely never going back there again.
Shit.

It's Almost Mother's Day And Won't She Be Proud

When I first gave my mother the address to this blog I was immediately overcome with the kind of panic one would expect to feel if they were running a Hot Asian Sluts porn ring from their living room couch and that cute young thing they'd just bought from a nice man in Beijing was just revealed as an underage boy on one of those Dateline investigations, the one with all the cameras and the boom mikes and, oh yeah, those pesky police officers. The real kind, not the rent-a kind.

And while I was able to spell the address out, letter by letter, in a voice that hopefully betrayed not one ounce of my fear, I still kept waiting for the sudden cacophony of fifteen semiautomatic weapons being drawn and pointed in my direction, thanks to the in-depth reporting of Stone Phillips. My thoughts centered on what an awkward moment it was going to be when she found the post about how I crisped my nips in a tanning bed last year and equated the feeling to the sting of a thousand bees. Not only that, but she was sure to read the one about my boyfriend in eighth grade, the one she totally didn't know about. Or did, in that weird psychic mom way, and just never mentioned it for fear of traumatizing her already socially retarded daughter.

I'm not sure from where this impulse originates but I have this unrelenting need to be as secretive as possible. So secretive, in fact, that I once hid $100 worth of collected birthday and Christmas money when I was six years old only to be unable to find it ever again. That same impulse is what drove me to keep Thomas Grover a secret, even if it meant living in fear of the phone ringing for an entire six week span. I would dive for the phone because I couldn't stand the thought of having to explain who Thomas was and why the fuck he kept calling every day. Boyfriends or crushes or passing fancies were never to be discussed within earshot of the parents. And there would certainly be no explaining of why I wanted to be dropped off at the movie theater two blocks from the entrance just so I could sit in a heavily air conditioned theater and hold hands with my not-so beloved.

But secretive I was and will probably remain, though it's certainly become less pronounced over the years. I no longer hide my money in uncertain places but I do keep a stack of trashy romance novels hidden behind my properly shelved and displayed classics of yore. I also hate to tell people where I'm going or where I've been; not for fear that I'll be reprimanded, just the fact that they'll know. Back in the day I refused to tell anyone when I first kissed a boy (a blind date when I was 17) or when I got my heart broken (18). It wasn't through any misguided stoicism or some need to suffer in silence, it was just me and my craving for all things hidden and obscured.

What's unfortunate is that I even had to keep how much I loved her a secret. My first memory of expressing the familial love was at summer dance camp, on the phone. I can remember how stilted and awkward the conversation felt; I'd never before had reason to talk to my parents on the phone. Why would I ever feel inclined to keep up a steady stream of conversation if you could just pause now and again and pick up when you were ready? But things don't work like that on the phone. That first conversation was riddled with pauses and lulls and forced words masquerading as sentences. At the end of the chat she told me she loved me and I knew I had to say it back. But it was the first time I'd actually had to SAY IT say it. I was strangely embarrassed that the other girls would know I loved my mom. The secretive thing again. But I said it that day and maybe a few days after. Then I said it some more when I left for college. And said it some more when I moved to New York. And now I say it every week, no awkwardness or stilted conversation involved. Because now I know how important it is that she know how damn cool she is and how much I need her. Need her like a fat kid needs a Little Debbie snack. But I do, I need her. So it's really not so bad that she reads this. Because at least some of the things I still find hard to say in person- like how much I love the way she smells and how she makes me calm and how I love that she no longer acts shocked when I say Fuck- can come out in some format other than verbal.

So now I can officially tell my mother that I am not a lesbian, even though Aunt Vicky is convinced I am. In fact, there is no chance of me being a lesbian. Don't get me wrong, I fully support whatever lifestyle anyone participates in as long as it doesn't involve small woodland creatures or anything that might encroach on my Hot Asian Slut business (I really only do it for the shoe money). But if you could just let her know that pussy totally skeeves me out, that would be great. Also, it's probably going to be a long time before I bring somebody home for dinner. I don't date much, ok, ever, and that whole introduction to the family thing will probably always be a little awkward. And I haven't really cut my brother out, I'm just patiently waiting on him to get his shit together.

Finally, you have a really nice ass and should show it off more.

Spankalicious

I totally have The Clash’s ‘Rock the Casbah’ stuck in my head on repeat.  Unfortunately it’s been on repeat since 7:45 this morning so while the first few hours were spent mentally jamming out now I’m just unbelievably annoyed.  And since I opened my mouth and told everyone about my affliction I now hear it in surround sound as one of my coworkers will inevitably start to hum it just as my mental CD has finally stopped spinning, dashing my brief moment of peace and effectively hitting the Play button on my one-track mind. 

Every time I hear this song I think of ‘Bring it On,’ a movie with no redeeming qualities whatsoever unless you really dig cheerleaders, skimpy outfits, spanky pants and the gangly-armed simian antics of one Kirsten Dunst.  And while I’m really quite apathetic about the aforementioned qualifications for ‘Bring it On’ love, I can still admit to you, without shame, that I once downloaded and burned the opening cheer song and can even recite it, many years later, word for word.  Because who doesn’t love a song that involves the following lyrics:

I’m major!

I roar!

I swear I’m not a whore!

We cheer! And we lead!

We act like we’re on speed!

And while I’m relatively certain that ‘Rock the Casbah’ is not played in any ‘Bring it On’ movie montage, the dark-haired rebellious boy who eventually wins the heart of Kirsten ‘Cheertator’ Dunst sports a black t-shirt lauding the coolness of The Clash in their introductory scene.  Obviously this is a boy with whom we shall not trifle!  He wears black logo-emblazoned t-shirts without shame!

This rebellious young thing is the same boy who stood alongside Angelina Jolie way before she thought about exchanging tongue molecules and spit samples with her genetic sibling or even before she participated in inking the name of Billy Bob Thornton on her personage.  The movie was ‘Hackers’ and I heart everything about which is why when Mr. Black Shirt Rebellious Boy showed up with his lopsided grin I immediately recognized him as the brace-face teen who stores his hacking knowledge on floppy disks (oh, the floppy!) and assists in the hacking of the mainframe run by The Evil Guy with Plans For World Domination. 

 

In other news my toe hurts and I would like to amputate it. 

 

 

Al Bundy Was A Douche

Today my good mood is like a delicious Little Debbie Starcrunch® in its ability to outshine any and all Moon Pies® that happen to come my way.  I know the world as a whole doesn’t generally shun the Moon Pies but I file them in the same category as Peeps, only Moon Pies are ranked just slightly above as Peeps are only pseudo-marshmallow substance and colored sugar with weird soul-less black eyes while Moon Pies at least take a stab at deliciousness with the cookie and chocolate part.  It’s just things went sour when they started adding in the pseudo-marshmallow. 

I’m also strangely obsessed with meatloaf now after seeing my boss pull out a blue Tupperware container filled with strangely appealing slices and homemade mashed potatoes.  I’ve never even ingested meatloaf, seeing as how it’s called meatloaf and my religion prohibits me from eating anything that sounds disgusting.  Like radish.  Radish sounds like rash which reminds me of The Herp which makes me think of oozing genital sores. Meatloaf normally makes me think of meat balls which leads to thinking of just balls, (specifically, cow balls) and have you ever seen them? Cow balls?  Like when they’re cooked? If you associated meatloaf with what a boiled cow ball looks like when sliced down the middle then you wouldn’t eat it either.  I also have issues with olive loaf and cole slaw

 

The Allure of Office Supplies

This morning I got an email that made me want to vomit, just a little, but not in that way you’re thinking of because I know you’re thinking that my violent reaction is due to some strange repulsion or perhaps the gaudy display of sandals worn with pantyhose or even a picture of small children being beaten with stilettos (because both are equally repulsive). It’s not even the vomit initiated by a bad piece of tilapia or an undercooked chicken sandwich. It’s the kind of vomit that I get on First Days or when I’ve blatantly told a lie that I know deep down in my soul is so going to come back and bite me in the ass. It’s the quivery stomach-on-strike feeling I get when I’m waiting for a boy to pick me up for a date or when I’ve got a job interview that literally forces my entire gastro-intestinal system to clench in fear.

The timing of this email couldn’t have been worse. I mean, I just sat in my car the other day and looked at one of my best friends and told her how content I was. How everything felt like a Lithium bubble- perfect and clear and guaranteed to give the world a glossy, shiny hue of rose petal dreams. That’s not to say that I stopped feeling things altogether because I’m not really on Lithium, I’m just sort of floating. It’s a nice float, don’t get me wrong. The water’s nice and the fish don’t bite too hard. I’m not sure when it happened but one day I woke up and realized everything really was okay. Not like a pretend okay but really okay. My new job is nice, my apartment is nice, my hair is normally agreeable 4 out of the 7 days in the week and I get to write here, as often as I want.

And so I’ve been pulling up this email for the past two and a half hours, periodically re-reading it, memorizing every word, trying to get my head around what it took for him to write it.

The thing is, I don’t hate you, Jack. I never did. I mean, there was that pesky incident where I stood up in front of your class and told you to go fuck yourself. And, okay, there might have been a wee bit of hate that day but Aunt Flow was probably visiting. By the way this doesn’t give you free reign to make jokes about menstruation. I’m just saying. What’s strange is that three weeks ago I looked you up on the internet and found that movie you made listed on imdb.com and I wanted to send you something congratulatory because after like a bazillion years it was finally done. Or at least the imdb gnomes think so.

Anyway, sorry ‘bout all that.

So I’ve sat at my desk and stared at my green speckled cubicle walls in between viewings of this email. I thought I’d gotten rid of that urge that makes me want to scream in the parking lot at the top of my lungs or throw the cats in the car and never come back. This urge used to be so strong it was an act of whatever deity you pray to just to get me out of the car in the mornings. Many an hour has been spent with my head resting on the steering wheel with silent inner monologue running rampant in my head.

Here’s where I actually explain why I got that that feeling listed above, the heinous nausea that makes me want to crawl under my desk and retch silently into my trashcan. It’s because I so desperately want it to be true. I want it I want it I want it. I want it like a fat kid wants cake. Like a drowning man needs air. Like a girl needs a shoe sale. Whatever analogy you want to use, just know that I Want It.

I just don’t know how to get it.

And that’s what makes me sick to my stomach. The fact that someone thinks I’m talented and that someone isn’t my blood-sister-BFF or genetic relative, not to mention someone I strangely respect (the whole fuck-you university incident not withstanding).
It’s almost more than I want to think about this Thursday morning.

Last night when I came home my toilet was stopped up, a leftover treat from seven that morning when I first noticed that both the bathtub and toilet had ceased holding up their end of the bargain. That bargain being the actual drainage of whatever spikely leg hair, foamy shampoo or, you know, Other that I flush down the drain. By the time I came home the tub had emptied, leaving a nice ring of grayish soap scum snailed down the side but the commode had just continued in its floating toilet paper dance all damn day, never draining, waiting for me to come home and lavish attention and praise all over it's gurgling ass.

Think you're going to get to piss? THINK AGAIN, MISSY.

Because I am in general deathly afraid of toilets I cleaned up the bathtub first, scraping the morning residuals from the plastic sides. When I could hold off no longer I turned my attention to the porcelain goddess, a goddess with whom I was about to have a very stern conversation. But conversation doesn't work much with porcelain gods, porcelain not being the responsive type, so I grabbed a plastic hangar from my closet and tapped the side of the bowl in the vain hope that I might dislodge whatever obstruction was, well, obstructing the drainage of the (thankfully) clear water. I should add here that while the water was clear, there were bits of toilet paper floating in it. I'm a bit of a water waster, bite me. I don't like leaving mounds of snot rags hanging out in my trashcan so I flush them.

Unfortunately that did not work out for me yesterday. It was the Conservation Gods taking my dare, upping me 2 chips and biting a chunk out of my ample left buttock.

So obviously the bowl-tapping did not work out. And because I refuse, REFUSE to lift up the toilet tank lid -- oh god just the thought of taking off the lid makes my skin crawl -- I called my friend Lilleeee instead.

Phone ringing.

Lilleeee: Hi princess

Me: Hi sugarplum

Lilleeee: Whatcha doin

Me: Oh, nothing. Um.

Lilleeee: What's wrong?

Me: Um, okay. Um. Please for the love of everything that's holy say you have a plunger because I'm having some toilet issues *silent retching* and I need some assistance.

Lilleeee: Well, I'm at J's house but just go let yourself in and see if my brother is there- he might know if we have one

Me: Oh, bless you child

Lilleeee: kisses

Me: smacks *click

So I go next door and yell up at Lilleee's brother, who informs me that no, there is no plunger *shudder* on hand but perhaps I should try the toilet brush.

Ok, I should further clarify that my petrifying fear of toilets includes all toilet accoutrements including but not limited to: brushes, plungers, disposable cleaner pads, tablets that turn the water blue and Anything Under The Tank Lid. So the thought of shoving the toilet brush into that gently swirling, oh-so-menacing water was right up there with thinking about peeling off my own skin with chicken wire.

But I am an adult, and adults do things like unclog toilets.

Back inside my apartment I had to shoo Fat Kitty away from the bowl because he was drinking from it *audible retching* and unfortunately I will never again be able to touch him because he has tainted himself with the water of the toilet. Blech. After Fat Kitty sulked away, audibly expressing his displeasure at being displaced from that Bowl-o-Death, I bravely and firmly grasped the brush handle and plunged it into the roiling depths.

Where I hit something hard.

Strange.

I pulled back the brush and pushed aside the clumps of toilet paper, hoping to see what might possibly be the hardness that I'd found at the bottom of the bowl hole. But the toilet paper had spent all day soaking and instead of moving aside in clumps it just sort of disintegrated with all my toilet brush poking, turning the water a cloudy white.

Still unable to see what was blocking the water from draining I decided I would remove what toilet paper chunks I could by utilizing my soup ladle and placing the paper bits in a plastic bag. Which I did. And then promptly threw the ladle away.

Looking back into the toilet depths I was actually able to see the bowl hole, where I could just barely make out that there was, in fact, something blocking the entrance. I put the brush back in and swirled it around the opening to get a better look.

Wait.

Was that?

Is that?

OHMIGOD IS THAT AN EYE? A SMALL, BEADY BLACK EYE??

I will not lie to you. I screamed like a little girl, dropped the brush in the bowl and ran into the living room where I jumped on the couch in an attempt to get away from that beady-eyed monster in my toilet. A monster that was obviously going to swim up, fly through the air and eat me alive. Duh.

After a couple of seconds I calmed down and realized that whatever it was, it was most certainly dead. And dead animals don't freak me out near as much toilets. Though dead animals inside toilets is never a good combination.

So back into the bathroom I went, this time armed with my lone metal hangar (the rest are all white plastic because, hello, no wire hangars!) which was bent into a hook shape. I shoved the hangar in the water and caught the edge of the furry creature under its belly and pulled it to the surface. It was then that I got a good look at it.

It was not an animal. It was a toy. A mother fucking furry cat toy shaped like a light brown mouse, covered in actual fur with beady little black eyes and a leather tail.

I went through all of that because my ignorant cats dropped a mother fucking cat toy in my mother fucking toilet.

Fabulous.

Bounce! Helps Repel Lint and Hair!

This evening when I came home from work there was a pretty pink flyer stuck in my door which is like the greatest marketing ploy, ever. It means that it catches you coming in from work, tired and grumpy and just a wee bit peckish. It sits silently on your foyer table while you meander around the house, peeking in the refridgerator multiple times, convinced on each try that something both tantalizing and moderately healthy lies inside. When you finally give in to the inevitable and resign yourself to another Fast Food Run you happen to glance over to the table- BEHOLD! The Hunan Balcony Chinese Restaurant has Fast Free Delivery and offers a Free Chicken on Stick with any Lunch Special! It may not be lunch and you may have no desire for a Free Chicken on Stick but the marketing ploy, it is genious.

So I flipped through the pamphlet, deciding on Schezuan chicken as I was a first-time patron of the Hunan Balcony and one can never be too safe with the Fast Free Delivery. Though I may love me some Egg Foo Young, this is a dish best chosen when one is completely and utterly secure in the knowledge that your Chinese food establishment of choice doesn't have wanky cheese wontons or weird dicey chicken in the Kung Pao. We have to come to an understanding, you and I. You don't just go ordering Egg Foo Young from any old restaurant. It must prove itself time and time again so that when you finally do order that tasty treat, it will not come in scrambled egg format and the sauce will not be strangely sweet or thin and runny.

Because I was passing the wee bit peckish stage and moving into the here kitty kitty come jump in this pan of boiling water stage, the thirty minute lag time between the placing of my order and the receiving of my order seemed interminable. But in all actuality that's faster than any pizza has shown up at my door which just goes to show you that Italians are fucking lazy. And Russians have no morals. *wink*

By the way I think I have a mouse-friend and I'm going to have to prevail upon somebody to come kill it. I discovered a nicely nibbled hole in the bag of the catfood this morning and The Fat One has been inexplicably staring at the cupboard where the food is kept, tail twitching. He's been an indoor cat his whole fat life so I hope whatever genetic lottery he was a part of is the one with the vicious mouse-killing instincts because much like I do not play the Swimming in Vomit game I do not play the Mouse Hunt and Kill game.

Glossy

This morning I woke up with a headache so intense my right eyeball just would not let itself be greeted by the shiny new day.  Not the left eyeball, the right one. It seems that my headache has a bit of a prejudice against the lefties of the world.  Next thing you know I’ll be on Jerry Springer talking about how my Headache molded me into the left-hating woman I am today because if the right one has to hurt it’s just not fair that the left one gets off scott-licking-free.  And then I’ll talk about how I resisted at first, played the skeptical card even, but the Headache’s reasoning was just so, well, reasonable and now I’m fully committed to the cause.

It’s kind of amusing if you think about it because I’m sure the right eyeball playing coy with the world is undeniably sexy.  Like, look in this eye if you want the business-like stare but look in THIS ONE if you want the sultry half-lidded gaze.  You choose.  All in all, this has the brilliance of those little soft-serve ice cream machines where you get to pick chocolate, vanilla or vanilla AND chocolate. 

LOOK, IT’S A TRANSITION

Brittany and I used to laugh uproariously about our blogs and how our personalities totally shone through and all that jazz.  It was like seeing the binary manifestation of ourselves!  Brittany is that kind of gal that can rope people in quicker than a cowboy on stacker2 (ephedra free!) while I normally have an adjustment period where I have to get used to someone else’s presence which is generally taken as bitchniness or even, gasp! snobbishness.  And so in turn people normally have an adjustment period for ME because I am so blatantly and mostly unconsciously adjusting for THEM.  Put back in binary terms, Brittany is a brand new bazillion gigabyte laptop that readily processes most programs that come near while I am a 1985 Commodore, a lugging chugging behemoth of a computer that takes simply ages to process damn near anything. 

This could not have been more clearly demonstrated by the fact that Brittany had struck up relationships with people outside of the blogosphere while I continued to type happily away in near isolation.  It was never a point of contention between us because, hello, we’re totally self-aware like that.  I recognize the limits of my personality and though I could tell you I try to change certain parts (and I certainly do, and have) there are portions that are just inevitably going to be impossible to fully correct.  I can appreciate certain aspects in people but that doesn’t mean I want to be Just Like Them. 

Which is why I gave myself the title of April’s Most Oblivious Douchebag because it was pointed out to me the other day that I don’t receive contact from other bloggers because my shining star personality has frightened everyone away it’s because I don’t have any contact information posted.  I was completely convinced I did and promptly logged onto blogger only to be very quickly proved wrong (not a feeling I’m fond of). This is ohsovery amusing to me because I’ve actually been disappointed when certain bloggers didn’t have an email posted because there have been things I’ve wanted to tell them outside of the public forum. 

So it was with great pomp and circumstance that my first email from a Real Live Blogger was received yesterday.  And what makes it even better is that this Real Live Blogger at one point left me the most cherished and fabulous comment, ever.  He once told me that he hoped his daughter grew up to be like me and because I’m never quite sure if I’m the kind of daughter my father would have wanted, those words will stay with me forever and ever and ever.  Thank you, Carl.    

Short Post Syndrome

Right this very second I would gladly sell these fucking demonspawn cats to anyone who'd like to put in a bid. It's like I come home and they want to impress mommy with their crazy mad skills. Skills that involve rolling down the hallway, head over tail, into every single object that's NOT locked down via titanium chain. And the water bowl? God forbid we leave it in one spot. No, let's move it across the kitchen floor and then act all perplexed when there is no more water to drink.

Mommy? What happened to my water bowl? And why is there no food in my dish? Mommy? Mommy? Why? Mommy? Who is that strange man with the leather bomber jacket? And why does he have that weird sharp pointing thing? Why is he trying to stab me with the pointing thing? Why Momlhweohjpwhhwkj................

In other news, I bought a picnic basket from Wal-Mart today because I totally needed it and it was at the Always Low Price and all. Why I would need a picnic basket, I'm not quite sure. But I'm sure it will come in handy when I have to transport my demonspawn to their new home under the wheels of a fast moving vehicle.

I'm also very hungry and the prospect of eating some seriously questionable eggs or a package of tuna is not at all inviting. I did try to buy bread at the Wal-Mart but all they had were weird flavored bagels-- because I prefer the bagels over sliced bread you see-- and I couldn't bear to eat a turkey sandwich on cinnamon flavored bagelness. It seemed wrong, somehow. Like eating porkrind flavored cookies or using the same piece of Kleenex twice.

I Totally Support The Dental Industry

There are a lot of things I’ve done while on a sidewalk. 

I’ve walked down the streets of Manhattan with a mirror in one hand and mascara in the other.  I’ve yakked on my cellphone.  I even peed on a sidewalk in Spain once.  Granted, it was 2am but in my liquor-clouded head, peeing on the sidewalk was the only option. 

But never have I considered performing daily, hygienic practices while on a sidewalk; especially on a sidewalk I was traversing while sober.  (Barring the peeing incident, obviously.  Though that really wasn’t a hygienic practice, to be quite honest.)  It just seems infinitely futile to take a shower on a sidewalk, being as how this is a task better suited to an environment with running water.  Much as how it would seem equally futile, or maybe just ill-advised, to clean out one’s ears or perhaps cut one’s toenails on a sidewalk.

Which makes it all the more disturbing that the woman crossing Fifth and Rock streets this morning was sporting one of those vibrating toothbrushes all up in her oral cavity.  About every third step or so she’d reach up, grab the handle, and vigorously brush her teeth.  Once she stepped back up on the sidewalk, she stuck her tongue all the way out and methodically scraped, in three swift swipes, the top of her tongue, the bottom and then the top again. 

And at the time, it wasn’t so much the sidewalk toothbrushing that had me perplexed.  It was the fact that this was not a woman who appeared to be generally concerned with ANY hygienic practices, much less the daily brushing of the teeth.       

Flowers Are For Pansies

This morning I had one of those moments when I sat down on my toilet seat lid and contemplated reenacting that moment when the Incredible Hulk literally busts through his clothes, ripping them into teeney tiney wee little shreds. Not because I had muscles paying homage to the joy of steroids but because my chosen shirt for the day was that unbelievably complicated to get on.  I originally chose it for today’s attire because I haven’t worn it since, like, January and it’s purple and pretty and makes me want to say things like “Don’t you just luuurv jewel tones?” But about halfway through the process of trying to get the damn thing I totally lost all desire to talk about jewel tones and got pumped up to talk about how I rip the heads off poor defenseless kittens when I get annoyed.

So I sat down, defeated, on my gleaming white toilet seat (bleached the night before, naturally), my right arm held captive beneath the purple sweater, my head through the opposite side of the shirt and the tie thing in the back that’s supposed to lay delicately and gracefully at the back of my neck was at the front of my neck, hanging limply and dejectedly, no grace about it. 

I should explain that this is no ordinary shirt.  It’s one of those festive criss-crossy shirts that are supposed to accent my accentable areas and draw attention away from my unaccentable areas.  But this criss-crossiness doesn’t just happen in the front, IT HAPPENS IN THE BACK AS WELL. And in an attempt to make the general population scream in futility, the makers at Gap have decided to give you helpful little sewn-together areas so that, theoretically, you should be able to pull it over your head.  BUT LO, there is a tie at the neck! So that your back boobage doesn’t mistakenly tumble out!  Danger zone!  Alert! I’ve yet to fully comprehend the purpose of the neck-tying area but WHO AM I TO JUDGE, I leave projectile bottles of bleach in my trunk, just asking for a summery day to render it a veritable missile of goo!

So anyway.  I decided to wear a green shirt today instead.  One with a nice normal v-neck and two regularly shaped arms, no criss-crossy about it.     

 

Duck Feet

My previous experience with the Comcast assclowns was not so pleasant and totally made me want to gouge out my eyes with one of those little spoon-slash-forks from Kentucky Fried Chicken. I guess because I wasn't going for the super complicated installation of wireless internet they were able to downgrade the number of technicians sent out to my home to a whopping one! person, a guy who smelled like licorice. Which made me think of jagermeister, and please don't judge me if that's not spelled right because I hate that sickly sweet crap masquerading as liqour. But he DID smell like licorice which was slightly strange in that way that makes you wonder if it was a personal decision to smell like that or if it's something he's struggled with his entire life and was possibly teased mercilessly about as a kid. Like if he had cankles or wore tightrolled jeans after 1995.

I'd have teased his ass, too.

Before going any further I'd like to thank this kid for writing here for a few days while I sat in a cubicle and trained with a guy who's job I'm taking over. The only cool thing that came out of that was my swank ass digs with windows. And the whole BlackBerry, laptop and cellphone situation. Though it's really not as cool as one might originally think because who REALLY wants all that shit when it means They can get ahold of you at all hours of the day and night. But who am I kidding, I ate that shit up with a brita filter.

It's strangely freeing that I can sit in the privacy of my own home and write FUCK SHIT ASS CUNT HOLE MOTHERFUCKER and not worry that Someone is looking over my shoulder and blatantly judging me for my lack of vocabulary or utter offensiveness. (Or for the fact that that I'm totally not working.) It's so freeing, in fact, that even though I'd been practically salivating for two weeks in anticipation of getting my very own internet connection in my very own home (well, apartment, let's not be technical) I completely forgot about my plan to have a post that utilized the word Fuck in every sentence. It's probably too much to ask that it's freed me from my near-obessesive verbalization of the aforementioned words, though.

Sometimes my immaturity astounds EVEN ME.

Because I'm not in the mood to tell an entire story I'm going to give you some one brief look of what mi vida was like this past week:

Tuesday night I was at work until midnight. Please, contain your jealousy. I was tired and cranky and ohsovery exhausted when I walked out to my car, opened my door and was BLASTED with the smell of bleach. Now, I like bleach. You might even say I love bleach. I have an unhealthy obsession with using it, which means I can only buy white sheets because THEY MUST BE BLEACHED. But the car is not the place one wants to smell the bleach, being as how it's a CAR and not a BATHTUB. Slightly perplexed, I walked to the back of my car and popped the trunk where I quickly found out that leaving a gallon of bleach, even if accidentally, in the trunk of one's car is never a good plan. The high had reached 90 degrees that afternoon, rendering the gallon-o-bleach a veritable projectile of bleachniness. I didn't even have the energy to clean anything up; I just grabed the Febreeze from the backseat and sprayed it angrily at the airvents, hoping the smell might somehow magically dissipate.

About six minutes later I'm pulled over by one of the city's finest for going 82 in a 60. I won't even argue, it was my godamned fault. But it was late and the interstate was DESERTED I tell you, except for the red truck traveling beside me at the exact same motherfucking speed. Though I probably looked the most suspect seeing as how all my windows were down and I was repeatedly hanging my head out of the driver window to gulp a mouthfull of fresh air.
I'm too afraid to call the number on the ticket just yet because it's kind of nice living in ignorance of how much that ticket is going to cost me.

I Have An Ulcer In My Mouth

Q: Are the rumors true that Robin has a third nipple?- Coyote Mike
A: Wasn’t aware there were rumors but I’d appreciate it if whoever started them could be lightly beaten with small, toothy woodland creatures. Thanks. I’m very sensitive about such things.

Q: Where did you two go to college and what did you study and is she as fascinating in person? – Carl from L.A.
A: We both went to the University of Central Arkansas and are Honors College alumni. I majored in Telecommunications w/ a minor in Honors Interdisciplinary Studies while Brittany was a vomitous overachiever and double majored in Speech Language Pathology/Psychology and double minored in Creative Writing/Honors Interdisciplinary Studies. Until I asked her last night I was completely unaware that she was a doubleupper. I can be excused from knowing this as I worked full-time for the majority of college, hence excluding me from various bits of knowledge up to and including the whole double major scenario and her favorite flavor of jell-o. And I am totally not fascinating in person. I go to work with wet hair almost every day, I drink a Diet Dr. Pepper for breakfast, my favorite food is cheetos, I tell horrible and long-winded stories and all the items on my desk are lined up perfectly. I give heinous first impressions and I wear lots of bracelets. I get nervous on the phone with boys and talk super-fast and laugh my weird girl-laugh and usually make not one lick of sense. Though I am SUPER flattered that someone thinks so.

Q: If Robin won a million dollars, what would she do with it? – Jenni
A: Since I’m capped off at a million we’d have to assume slightly less than half go to taxes, leaving me about 650-thou. I’m thinking I’ll hire a landscaper for my parents 26-acre property, refinish their deck, give my mother new countertops, buy my dad a new truck, build my mom an art studio with lots of windows, pay off my car, pay off my debt, buy a small house with wood floors, take a trip to Switzerland and buy myself a cabana boy named Paco who performs various and sundry duties.

Q: Dear Abby, what’s her other strong points besides writing so eloquently?- Texas Roxy
A: I open a mean can of asparagus, I can aim the squirting water bottle at my demonspawn with a successful water-hit up to 30 feet away and I have wicked nice teeth.

Q: How tall is Robin? – Pam
A: I am five foot seven inches, exactly. Not even a millimeter above or below. Well, maybe one.

Q: Robin, what does Brittany look like naked? – anon
A: I’m only assuming here, but are you by chance infected with Mad Cow Disease?

Q: What is Robin’s medical history? Has she ever contracted an exotic disease? Visceral Leishmaniasis? Rabies? Malaria? Whooping Cough? Polio? Tuberculosis? Mononucleosis? Osteoporosis? Any osis? – anon
A: I totally got mono my sophomore year thanks to a slutty fellow counselor at the summer camp I worked at- but he was totally hot and drove a bitchin Camaro so that makes my SIX MONTHS SPENT IN BED TOTALLY WORTH IT. I should have ixnayed his ass when I found out he drove a red Camaro. I distinctly remember a time about 2 months into my bout with the dreaded kissing disease when the elevator was broken and I had to take three flights of stairs to my dorm room. By the time I got through the first flight I was panting. By the second flight I was near the passing-out stage and had to sit on the top step for TWENTY MINUTES until I thought my shaking legs could hold me up. I don’t even remember walking in my room but I woke up ten hours later face down on my dorm bed. Fully clothed, thankfully.

Q: If Robin was an animal/book/murder weapon which ones would she be? Also, what’s her telephone number? – The Belligerent Intellectual
A: If I were an animal I’d be an alligator because HOW COOL would it be to have snappers like that? If I were a book I’d have to be a new one because I totally judge books by their cover and can always find fault with a design so I’d probably have to with a book about star crossed lovers (oh, the cheese) and have the cover be a brilliant cerulean blue with a warm chocolate brown one-inch edging and a tiny metallic gold star (because YOU get a gold star!) in the center. If I were a murder weapon I’d have to go with a tea cup because you KNOW someone can fuck your shit up if they kill you with a tea cup.

Q: Does Robin like fat guys?-Drunken Chud
A: How obese are we talking here? There will be no slapping of the fat and riding the wave in.

Q: Has Robin ever had a lesbian experience? – Drunken Chud
A: Besides the spin the bottle kiss I shared with some fellow college graduates, no. Pussy totally skeeves me out.

Q: If some catastrophe were to strike and Robin could only bring 4 things with her, any 4 things, her possessions or someone else’s, what would she take to live out her days in the wilderness- Drunken Chud
A: A supersize box of chapstick, a harpoon gun, a plastic covered and sealed queen size mattress (for sleeping and river traversing) and a tarp.

Ole'!

I should clarify some things about L*%$#%, my shaggy-haired stalker. 

 

1)       By older man, Brittany means that he was a sophomore while I was a lowly freshman.  In the world of an 18-year-old, someone who is that much closer to being able to legally buy beer is an Older Man. 

2)       He was, in all senses of the word, a total and complete rebound.  I had just finished a ridiculous relationship with Kevin, Man Of The Facial Hair, who had decided to move.  I know.  Moving.  That’s almost akin to maiming small woodland creatures in the presence of children.  THE PROBLEM would be that he moved.  And forgot to tell me.  I’m mentally slapping my leg now in my fit of hysterical laughter.  Because that shit is fun-neee.  Kevin was quickly followed by Hunter who is now infamous for the following phrase: “Come back when the white van is gone.”  The white van being his druglord, obviously.  Oh, and those strange smells in the back garage?  THAT WOULD BE METH.  But did I know? Of course not.  I’d grown up in Small Town Southern Middle Class Suburbia where throwing back a 30-pack was way more hardcore than snorting a line of coke.  Then L^$#% showed up with his shaggy hair and soft-spoken demeanor and twenty page papers on the Euthanization of the Mentally Diseased and my heart, it went pitter patter. 

3)       Brittany was right, I was passive aggressive about this guy for about a three week span.  But never fear, my normal cynical and obnoxious nature got it’s chance to shine one evening following the letter Brittany and Emily so lovingly composed. I was lounging in bed that night with all the lights off and the windows open.  It was one of those rare fall nights that weren’t terribly cold or terribly sultry and the breeze was unbelievably soothing.  I should probably try to explain why I like lounging in bed with the lights off but that would take too much damn time and I’m not in the mood.  I was contemplating the nature of toenails when I heard a rustle outside in the holly bushes… a sound I knew as L&^%% wiggling his way between the hedges.  So I calmly picked up my phone and quietly punched in the number to the front desk where Emily, the RA, was stationed for the evening.  I whispered the code phrase “The goose has landed” and placed the phone back in its cradle.  No less than 45 seconds later and I hear our favorite Campus Cop, Hollywood (dubbed so in a tongue-in-cheek homage to his C-movie star looks and fubar teeth), crashing around the side of the building waiving his big Campus Cop-issue stick in the air.  L*#$% takes off at full speed as Hollywood screams all manner of obscenity, finally giving out the chase at the end of the parking lot.  Notso strangely, I was never bothered again.

4)       Brittany forgot to mention the most important part of this story: Halloween was a few weeks after our, um, breakup and in a stunning display of utter scariness, L*$%& showed up in head-to-toe black spandex, a yellow tutu and a gold and black furry antenna.   After viewing what can only be described as the world’s most revealing Halloween costume, a male friend of ours remarked, “Ya know, if I were him, I woulda at least stuffed a sock in there.  Does he know he looks like a 12-year-old girl down under?” 

 

 

The Stalker

Keep your pants on, kiddies.
The answers to your questions about Robin are on the way.
Expect them as tomorrow's post.
All but that last one . . . I think I know who you are and I have to ask: WHY WOULD ROBIN KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE NAKED?????????
This isn't College Co-Eds II.
We don't walk around in the nude and have pillow fights.
Those kinds of friends don't even really exist.
Sorry for bursting your bubble.

In the meantime, enjoy the following:


Freshman year was full of firsts.
First time away from home.
First real taste of freedom.
First fraternity party.
First dorm.
First horrible bout of poisoning from what the cafeteria pawns off as food.
But it's free, so it's worth it, right?
It was also Robin's first encounter with a stalker.

He appeared nice enough.
Attractive, older male.
A few dates.
Some phone calls.
Seemed normal enough.
Until . . . .

He wouldn't leave her alone.
Everywhere she turned, there he was.
At first, even though she might not admit it, it was flattering.
This guy that could have any number of women.
Paying constant attention to our dear Birdie.
But there's a thin line between attraction and obsession.
And he surpassed that line with a quickness.

He started hiding out in the Holly Bushes under her window.
Yes, holly bushes.
Big, prickly, green shrubbery.
That can't be comfortable.

He would stare in her window.
We caught him several times.
Robin, for the first and last time in her life, was passive aggressive.
She didn't want to hurt his feelings.
And part of me will always think that she wasn't quite sure that he was over the line.
He was.
So we took over for her.

Emily (our fantabulous resident assistant and good friend) and I took it upon ourselves to email him. Speaking of passive aggressive.
We called Robin in to witness that which we were doing.
She needed to know what we were doing in her name.

Granted, some of this letter is paraphrased . . . who the hell remembers a letter you wrote 8 years ago? BUT, the part in BOLD is verbatim.
Trust me on this.
THAT part, you don't forget.

L*&^,

Stop calling me.
Stop coming around.
I'm not interested.
It's downright scary.
If you continue in this pursuit, I will call the police.
Do not call me, do not email me, do not approach me, do not talk to my friends, do not talk to my family, do not talk to my dog, do not be seen in my general vicinity. Stay away from me and all things in relation to me.

Robin.


L*&^, though a very intelligent man, couldnÂ’t take a clue.
Even one so blatant as the above.
He continued to stalk our dear Robin.
Though he was surreptitious about it.
A bit.
Until Crystal - Robin's roommate and our dear friend - caught him at the window again:
On tip toes, hands on the windowsill, trying for a glimpse of our dear Robin.
At this point, Crystal reached through the window, forcefully threw him into the holly bushes and slammed the window shut.

L*&^ was not heard from again.
Nor seen.
At least not Freshman year.

When we were Sophomores and he was a Senior, we heard tale that L*&^ was moving to CO.
We ran into him in the courtyard of Short and Denny Hall.
Yes, he was packing to move to CO.
But he was taking his girlfriend/soon-to-be wife with him.
Turns out he had gotten a 17-yr old Freshman pregnant.
Nice.

---Meghansdiscontent - - AKA Brittany

An Opportunity . . . Of Sorts

It is entirely possible that [redacted] may kill me for this, but I'm all about living on the edge lately.
Or maybe I just welcome death.
Whatever.

Here's your chance:
Submit questions about Robin.
Anything you wish to submit.
I will answer what I can.
I will then forward any remaining questions to Robin and if she is willing to answer them, so be it.
Otherwise, this is your opportunity to find out what her friend thinks about her and things I can tell you that she probably wouldn't. :)

You can post them anonymously or not under the comments section.

Questions can be about [redacted] specifically, about her past or our shared past, anything Robin-related.

Enjoy!

--- Meghansdiscontent - - AKA Brittany

I Got Nothin: But I Promise To Do Better Later In The Week

Robin has asked that I entertain you folks with some stories while she is unable to reach a computer.
Though this will not be entertaining, I promise to do better later.
There are certainly stories from college and later years which would allow you insight into our dear Robin, but this will at least tell you guys how we met.

Robin and I are on the way to a mutual friend’s party recently when she looks at me, obviously perplexed, and says: "Do you remember how we met the first time?"

After I got over the shock and awe of her not remembering something so vastly important, I was able to answer:
"Yeah, don’t you? You were sitting outside the laundry room of the dorm reading a book, waiting on your laundry, and I was going to do the same, only I’d forgotten my book. So I struck up a conversation. We discovered we had graduated less than 30 miles from each other and started listing people we had in common."

"Huh. I just didn’t remember."

"And now?"

"Yeah, not so much."

"Huh. Whatever."

Great story, eh?
The only shocking thing we DID realize was that this was almost 8 years ago.
Holy Jayzus.
We’ve known each other 8 years.

And, as you could have guessed, we’re not keen on keeping people around.
We both acknowledged that our friendship to each other and to a handful, literally maybe 4 total, of other people from college are our longest friendships.
Neither of us talk to anyone from grade school, middle school, junior high, high school or any jobs that we’ve ever had.
We have our handful of college friends and then the randoms we have met in the last few years.
All other ties to the past (save family) have been severed.

Are we the only people like this?
Do all of you other people still have friends from your childhood?

- - - Meghansdiscontent - - - AKA Brittany

You Thought I Was Dead, Didn't You

As it turns out, I’ve been moved to a different part of the Fluffy Cloud Where The Carebears Live.  This particular part is actually the innermost sanctum of the Fluffy Cloud and requires Actual Work; not to mention the Quick Learning one is expected to participate in.  And though one could get excited that this new part of the Fluffy Cloud comes complete with a Blackberry, a cell phone and a laptop, keep in mind that these are not just fun toys—they are, in fact, tools one is expected to use daily as a part of this Actual Work process. 

So because I will be sharing a cube with a very official sounding Carebear while I am trained to the fullest extent of the law, my email and internet access will be sporadic and short.  Please Bear with me. 

If you’re nice, I might get Brittany to write some stories about last weekend. 

But only if you’re very, very nice.

 

I Joined The Band To Get Out Of P.E.

Twenty minutes until I go home and I’m so tired I could easily crawl under my desk and sleep until morning.  Maybe it’s the rain or the cloudy skies or the gradual polarity shift scientists say is happening or perhaps even my body is so in tune with le nature that I can sense the slowly depleting ozone layer and my body is offering itself up as retribution for the sins committed by mankind.  And if YOUR body was offering itself up to the Ozone Gods then you too would be ridiculously tired. 

Also, my left buttock hurts.  Don’t ask me why because I couldn’t tell you.  Even though my body was offered up to the Ozone Gods they declined the left buttock, instinctually knowing it was malformed and because of this rejection my left buttock has taken to sulking. Which has manifested itself by way of strange pains.

I’m so glad this is making sense to someone BESIDES ME. 

In preparation for this weekend I’m doing nothing because I have to be on my best behavior.  Brittany and I are going to Fayetteville (spelled right? how sad. this is a large city in my current state of residence and I can’t even be bothered to spell check it.) and as I have never been there I’m strangely excited.  Not strangely as in the first two paragraphs strangely but strangely as in this is a college town with a bar-lined street named after the offspring of a male appendage (Dickson) strangely.  We talk constantly, her and I, of taking weekend trips to somewhere, anywhere, over the rainbow.  This life sometimes gets so monotonous that only a little road trip will clear the air.  But now, after two weeks of having her heart broken (I am not allowed to break the heartbreakers knees because she still *retch* loves him and HE seems to think he has another side to the story.  To which I say Who Cares because you suck and can’t make up your mind and lie by omission which makes you a Vagina.  And not the good kind, either.  Obviously I’m expressing the full range of my maturity, she is my friend, leave me be.) as well as just a few days after hearing the words “kidney” and “failure” in the same breath and from someone we may as well concede would know about such things as he is a medical doctor and all.  So in an attempt to distract from broken hearts and failing kidneys we’ve decided to force her liver into shock because really, WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO? Take medication? Eat healthy? Meh.  Obviously our solution of is way better than that. 

Again, I am kidding.  I don’t drink that much – anymore—and neither does Brittany. And killing one’s liver is never a good response to anything.  Much like breaking someone’s knees is not a good response due to that pesky jail time and possible broom raping from Big Joanne in the cell next door. 

 

 

Obsess Much?

Yesterday on lunch I decided I would pop on over to the bank and deposit (DAMN IT I DID IT AGAIN WITH THE Y THING) some money.  Not much money, but I don’t like to carry cash because I get tempted to spend it and suddenly the six packages of granola bars I bought from the vending machine equal thirty dollars.  In case you’re confused how six packages of granola bars, at seventy cents a piece, could cost thirty dollars well then you and I are in the same boat.  But this is inevitably what happens so I have attempted to correct the way that the dollars flow endlessly from my wallet. 

The bank is less than a 10 minute drive from work which is great because it used to be like 40 bazillion miles away which meant that the lunch run bank trips were only done with there was great need, i.e. check going through and have no money! Must move money from savings to checking, stat!

Don’t you fucking love how I tell stories? I do this in person too and it is WAY more annoying.  Ask anyone, ANYONE who has spoken to me on the phone or in person and they will most definitely confirm.  I can’t just tell you the story about going to the bank, I have to tell you about the godamn granola bars and the fact that my bank has possibly the fewest amount of branches in the entire state because I picked this bank my first day of college back in 1998 in Conway, AR.  The helpful little registrar lady said I could drive down Oak Street and there’d be a fucking plethora of banks from which to choose.  She was right, there WERE a large number of banks.  It just so happens that I picked the ONE BANK that has only ONE BRANCH in Conway and ONE BRANCH in Little Rock.  But instead of moving my fundage I have fanatically stuck with this bank because I’m just too damn lazy to change over all my automatic drafts and wait for checks and shit.  But now there’s a branch close to work and the day I realized it was going to be MY BANK, the one that I normally drive 30 minutes to get to, I did myself a very large happy dance. 

So as I’m driving down the road a maroon Subaru gets in front of me and I end up directly behind him for about 10 lights in a row.  Whatever kind of Subaru he was driving is the kind that’s mostly on the level with my Honda so I could see straight through his car, thanks mostly to the fact that there was no window tinting on the vehicle.  These windows were so clear I could have seen a dog hair on the back seat if I’d tried hard enough. 

As we’re sitting at the first light the young gentleman takes his right hand and begins to notso gently smack the top of his head.  Not the side of his head, in a movement that could possibly be construed as a one-time DOH! moment.  No, he was smacking the exact center top of his head over and over and over and over.  When the light changed to green, he stopped. 

Interesting. 

Next light, same procedure.  And the next and the next and the next.  The whole time I’m sitting in my seat with my mouth hanging slightly open, mouthing What The Fuck every few minutes. 

At the last light we had together he merged into the righthand turning lane and I continued straight and into my bank parking lot all the while he continued to smack the top of his shiny and shaved bald head, over and over and over.  Then the light turned green, he turned right and placed his hand back in his lap. 

All I got to say is, Hunh?  

I Hope These Kids Give My Heart Back

At some point I’ve probably talked about my second job, the one where I work in a nursery two-to-three days a week.  I should point out that this is the kind of nursery where there are small humans, not small-to-medium sized plants.  I have no skills with plants, no matter how much I’d like to have a backyard of begonias and salvia, my two favoritest flowering plants in the whole entire universe.  This is the kind of place where some pleasant and notso pleasant Christian families come to drop off their kids while they participate in a small group discussion about Keeping The Faith, George Michael style or Keeping The Faith, God style.  They don’t really talk about anything related to George Michael, though. 

Sometimes I think that, as a parent, if someone offered me free childcare for four hours at a time, even if those four hours involved listening to the musical stylings of a really bad musical director or possibly even absorbing the grating drone of a pompous Billy Graham-esque church leader, I’D TAKE THAT TICKET AND FUCKING SMILE.  Thankfully the musical director isn’t that bad and the church leaders have yet to display any signs of Grahamness so the parents are probably okay with getting their weekly doses of Jesus, all while their smiling, drooling children play in the yellow basement nursery, a place so far away from the actual church-y area that the chances of a parent having to hear “But Mommy, why?” one more damn time are quite slim.

Because I am not a teacher and have firmly put my foot down about caring/instructing for small humans over the age of three, my only real job in that yellow basement is to keep the babies and toddlers relatively happy.  Be that changing diapers, wiping snotty noses and/or drooly chins, placing bottles in mouths, sippie cups in hand or bouncing two 7 month old baby girls on my knee in a desperate attempt to get them to stop. fucking. crying. that is my job and truth be told I don’t remember what my life was like before I spent 16-20 hours a week caring for these kids.

In two months I’ll have been working there a year and my god people, the changes these kids can go through in a year are utterly astounding.  I’ve watched one girl, undeniably my favorite, morph from the precious toddler so stricken by the fact that Mommy had abandoned her to the Evil Nursery Workers she would whimper and cry for hours on end, clutching my neck for fear that I might have to put her down, into the chest-constricting angel she is now.  Please note that I honed my mad baby skills by changing rancid liquid poop diapers and feeding 5-month old babies all while this kid had The World’s Strongest Death Grip around my neck.  She will turn two in July and already, already! she can count to ten and sing her ABC’s and holy cow, the shapes and colors!  She knows them all! When she says triangle she puts the emphasis on the last syllable and tilts her delicate china doll face a little back as if the force of that last syllable was too much to say with her chin in the normal position.  And in the cutest mispronunciation of a color I have ever heard she says “eeyorange,” a mix of the name “Eeyore” from Winnie the Pooh and “orange.”  And when she says our names, ‘our’ being the girls who share the yellow nursery dungeon-esque space with me, she makes every single one of us melt.  Every time she says my name she pitches her body a little bit forward and nods her head in one quick yet obscenely cute bob as if to affirm that she has, in fact, said the right name and that we should probably give her a cookie and maybe a juice box because she’s a wee bit parched.

The clincher came Sunday night, a time when I usually walk away so tired and worn out from 8 hours of corralling and diaper changing and time-out placing that the only thing I can think about is getting home to wash my face and plop in front of the couch for Grey’s Anatomy.  One family was late picking up their wee ones so I was one of the last cars left in the parking lot.  As I was walking out to my car one of the little boys, Micah, jumped out of his dad’s arms and ran towards me with the kind of innocent and guileless and infectious grin that only children can have.  He stopped about a foot away so I crouched down onto the hard black asphalt and smiled back. He ambled the last few steps over and placed his tiny chubby hand on the side of my face, uttering the three words that officially broke my heart in two:

“Bye Bye, Ribbit.”          

It's Oh So Quiet, Said Bjork

Why is it that every time I type the word ‘deposit’ I type it as ‘deposity??’ This is a very valid question and I’m going to need the answer ASAP because, hello, I need to stop doing that. Even when I tell myself, “You are about to type the word ‘deposit’ please don’t add the ‘y’” I end up doing it anyway- just like I did back there about 19 words ago because obviously I am the world’s biggest freak. I just don’t understand. I mean, it’s a complete extra and unnecessary finger movement- it’s not like it’s a key that’s under the left hand. If I consistently typed an ‘f’ after the word I might could possible understand it. Or maybe even a double ‘t.’ BUT NO. I type a ‘y’ each and every single fucking time. Which just makes my pinky tired with all that backspace work I put it through.

And do you know how many times a day I type the word ‘deposit?’ At last count it was somewhere in the millions. Slight exaggeration, obviously, but still. Very annoying.

You know what else is annoying? Friends. Friends are the most annoying human beings on the face of the planet. I’m just saying. Not the tv show Friends because I quite like that show, especially the early ones when Chandler was supremely funny. Not that he wasn’t as funny in later episodes but because he had to do that whole character arc thing and go from being the sarcastic Could I BE Any Funnier guy to the Grown Up Who Occasionally Makes Witty and Acerbic Remarks guy. So I guess if I’m honest with myself, he did get less funny. This is the kind of revelation that will shock the world, my friends.

NEXT TOPIC

I wish someone, anyone could have been at my apartment last night to witness the true scariness I enacted without one ounce of shame. In fact, if I’d purchased my digital camera this weekend like I wanted to instead of letting my dad convince me to let him buy it online (which does honestly have a better price but I’m a creature of, well, nowishness) I’d have had it handy to permanently capture my visage and it’s startling accoutrements for all the world to see.

Because, dear internet people, it turns out that I pressed my luck just one inch too far. I had my hair cut and dyed on Thursday, the day before my birthday, because I love having Birthday Hair and Makeup. It stems from my younger days when Mom always bought be a new outfit as part of my birthday loot and I wore it proudly to school as if to announce that not only was I the Birthday Girl, I was wearing some clothes that hadn’t even seen the inside of my washer yet. And I most definitely got myself some new hair for the mostly unremarkable birthday age of 26.

To be fair, my hair has been through a lot, especially in the past four months. It started out by bleaching the top half of my hair in a salute to my hidden punkishness. Then when I found out I was going to be an Ass Wiping Specialist I expressed my displeasure by leaving work 5 hours early, ahem, and going home to dye my hair flaming red. At least the bleached out portions. But you should know that the color on the box is now what’s going to happen when you apply it over bleached out, stripped out hair. Bit like bozo, I was. Because having bozo-colored hair totally showed them, eh? Then I died that portion a medium brown. Now, 2 months later, I’ve got the dark tresses I’m assuming I started out with as I haven’t really seen much of my normal hair since 1997. DO NOT JUDGE ME I just happen to like the dye.

As it turns out this dying episode was the final straw and my stylist made the following comment when
blowing out my hair “Boy, you’re hair sure feels dry.”

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO HEAR.

I discard the comment because she’s flat-ironed it into submission and it doesn’t really feel that dry to me, just more like she put too much product in. As stylist are wont to do. No judgments.
But then I wash it the next day. And it sprouts up into a brillo pad like monstrosity that truly expresses the might of my hair’s fury at being dyed one more damn time. At home with my mother later that weekend, she suggested pouring olive oil on it (as heavy-duty conditioner was OBVIOUSLY not doing anything) and we heated the oil, poured it over and she wrapped my head in saran wrap while we watched an hour of the home and garden channel.

Sunday night when I came home The Hair was still expressing it’s almighty displeasure so I thought, fuck this
hour long oil shit, I’LL JUST SLEEP IN IT. So I heated up the oil, poured it on my hair and gathered my hair in a knot on top of my head. It was at that moment when I realized I had no saran wrap.
Only foil.

That’s right, I took a 4 foot strip of foil and wrapped my head in it.
Then, because I was scared the foil might slip off, I grabbed the ghetto highlighting cap that I’d saved from some box of highlights from many years ago. I never used the cap, the kind where you shove the weird needle hook through the designated holes and yank out strands of hair to be highlighted which ultimately makes you look like a dehydrated chia pet with weird small tufts of hair sticking out. Why I had saved it, I have no idea. But I took it out of the back of the bathroom cupboard and pulled it over my foiled head, tying the plastic strings together under my chin.

One doesn’t want the oil leaking out onto one’s pillow, now does one?

And then I went to sleep, like a good little worker who has to be up at the ungodly hour of 7am to make it to work by 8am. Okay, 8:15.

So here is my rendition of what I looked like:
*note: kidding. apparently blogger doesn't like me today.